I feel so alone....can anyone relate?
Posted , 4 users are following.
A little about me im 25 i have a stressful job that i love and couldnt dream of doing anything else with my life. According to myers-briggs im an INFJ that being said i am very introverted but also like to be extroverted at times. I was diagnosed with depression about three years ago and felt emotionally and mentally i had hit rock bottom then. I had constant thoughts about my worth and why am i here and so on and so forth. I tried different medications and lexapeo seemed to be the best for awhile but eventually i found myself back at the same low that led me to meds in the first place. I decided then to go off of them that i would handle the peaks and valleys as they come head on. That has worked up until recently now i feel so lost and numb. Its like i am in a glass box watching the world pass by. It seems like everyone has someone to lean on except for me. I see people close to me making great strides in life and i am genuinely happy for them but on the other hand a bit jealous at the same time. I am an extremely empathetic person i am always there for my friends day or night big or small problems and about 1.5 years ago my best friend found out her husband cheated on her and he wanted a divorce it was a drawn out process and i was there for her every step of the way lots of tears and some triumphs i was there. She met her now husband and he seemed really great for her she was happy he was happy and it was great then one drunken night everything turned he got really mean and everything was downhill from there. A month or so went by i helped them move and she asked me to move in as she did not trust him he was making her crazy so i did because she felt she did not have an out at the time....i stayed there for a year there was a lot of fighting and tire slashing and name calling and just wrong doing on both of their parts. I was the mediator the one that would keep things calm between them their own personal therapist if you will. Being an empathetic person i felt both of their issues deeply it was a 24 hour a day feeling....the consequence my anxiety went through the roof and eventually i became bitter. I finally made the decision to move out their battle is not my battle eventually maybe our friendship will go back to what it was. i still talk to this friend occasionally we went from hanging out and talking all the time for the last 10 years to the occasional text which hurts but i try not to put to much emphasis on it. I know its him not her he has narcissistic behavior and is a stalker type like i said she is scared of him. Back to me i have been back home at my parents for about 6 months it was ok in the beginning but now i find myslef more times than not being a recluse. I usually work 6 days a week if i happen to have a weekend off instead of makingthe most of it i hide in my room in a blanket caccoon racking my brain of why i feel like i cant be social anymore. If i do go out with friends im usually uncomfortable and i require alcohol to loosen up a bit im not talking hammered drunk all the time but more times than not i end up drunk it all depends on how comfortable or uncomfortable i am in the situation. I refuse malls and other things that require me to be social with people. It truly feels like im only comfortable at work or home nothing else. I hate feeling this way i dont talk to my friends or family about it because i know they wont understand and ill feel worse in the long run. I just wish i didnt feel so isolated but it is a huge battle to want to just cut loose and be free of yourself its very tiring its a type of tired sleep cant fix though its body, mind, soul tired
1 like, 7 replies
Erika1015 Boxergirl09
Posted
Hello. Sorry to hear about everything you went through.
I can understand as I was diagnosed with anxiety & depression a year and a half ago.
After my breakup with a controlling ex, I lost some friends. I mean a few still text me and are Facebook friends but we haven't hung out much, I think due to the fact they were mutual friends with my ex.
One was even feeding my ex gossip about my life, although she denies this.
I started therapy and medication which helped tons. I felt emotional and alone before. I was happy I had family there for me at least. You said you were on medication, have you tried therapy?
It helps so much, having someone who isn't involved directly. You can discuss a lot more without being judged.
borderriever Boxergirl09
Posted
I do relate to your depression, anxiety and isolation, now you need to approach your needs and worries and address your concerns.
Talk to your GP if you have not done that yet, He will be able to arrange some CBT, that will help you address your pain and concerns. Possible medications may be prescribed. and these treatments could help you look towards actions to address your low mood
We are here to chat either a PM or on site whatever would help You.
BOB
phil76209 Boxergirl09
Posted
Hi,
I completely empathise with you about the not wanting to go out socialising.
In the last 4 months slot has changed for me some good some bad.
I honestly feel I'm a better person when I'm single. I don't socialise too well, I never enjoyed it unless drunk. I don't understand conventions if speaking I just don't pick up on the clues. This makes me awkward but I never say too much which is a coping thing. I have answers and remarks but they sound (in my head) immature and I anticipate their response to mine being negative to mine, or have a negative
phil76209
Posted
... tone to it. And I take it real personal like I've said something wrong and this reinforces my feelings and thoughts that I'm no good at conversation.
But going back to the single status. Everyone around me seems to hav a partner and or kids. I don't want to be alone, I need to feel comfortable in conversation with a partner. But again I struggle, I can't communicate what I want cos I believe it will hurt them so I say nothing and this builds up so that in my last relationship I felt I ws hiding things and lying. It wasn't my intention but I lied anyway cos that's what I do.
Going on to ur friends. U sound like an amazing friend. I hav couple friends who seem golden on outside but things are superficial when presenting themselves in public. I hav distanced myself from these cos they use fakebook and I hav deleted my account cos 1. I have nothing I want to brag about to the world and 2. I don't want to see the bragging or superficiality of their lives. It makes me feel calmer now.
I have to sort out my communication issues before I can find someone else.
Also I hav joined a compassion focus therapy group for 12 weeks. CFT. My psychologist put me on it. It's helping me accept myself and I'm hoping it will enable me to improve my speech skills.
These are the most honest nice people I hav met in a while.
I know how u feel when u say ur friends or family won't understand. Do they not know of ur depression?
lisalisa67 phil76209
Posted
phil76209 lisalisa67
Posted
It is. I have no idea how widespread or available it is where u are but I'm sure there's info on internet.
😃
lisalisa67 Boxergirl09
Posted
Im got the same results haha. Very common for people with anxiety disorders too i guess we are the one percent haha. Would have perferred it to be in the financial realm lol. pinterest has a ton on this.
you are severly empathetic and absorb way too much of the world around you. One would think this shoud be rewarding as you do your best to be there for anyone in need, sadly that is not how people are wired. Oddly you can get used, taken advanrage and stepoed on rather then appreciated. A blance is needed in your oart. Its okay to be assertive as ling as it is coming from a good place. I can completely understand where yiu are coming from with that. Took me decades to realize that myself. I was the goto oerson, i was exoected to droo the anything and everything to be there, but little to nithing in return, actually sometimes rudeness was returned. I had hhad eniugh and kindly spoke my mind. Sometimes i get the whole theory that some people just dint have it in them to be loving or kind, its just them. Each of us has a level inside us and we think because we are so kind its to be returned, it isnt. It comes naturally to you, its a part of you..not others though.
Your friend is dealing with a lot. She doesnt realize her own state of mind to even attemot to see your side of anything. She might not even care as she sounds unhappy. It isnt your mission to fix her or uplift her. Her having you move in for that year was probably traumatizing for you and olaced you in an awful situation. I am sorry..she wont say to you so i will. Not everyone knows how to apologize. Forgive her it isnt something in her knowledge bank.
Infj tend to seek out things to "fix" they like peace. Deep thinkers. Thats in the positive end if it haha. They feel too much and feel too strong usually holding the utopian world in their mindset. Only not so much how it is but what they wish it to be, inflexible to be able to comprehend or believe otherwise. Kind of their own little world thing. Which is useful to make change but its a slow process.
you have been hurt and that messes uo the whole balance of things. Creates anxiety because forgiveness is difficult at times. But maybe realize forgiveness is really for your self to let it go so you dont dwell in it. By no means does it release the other persons actions or character. Sometimes if you dig deep the forgiveness is to yourself maybe for being manipulated or tricked or for caring so much into something or someone you didnt realize was a taker. For thinking it was something you wished it to be but it wasnt.Lots to think about with that. Point is forgive yourself.
Dealing with High anxiety can be tricky. You are a "feeler" by nature. Anxiety disorders are people who feel and over think too much. Really it used to be. Behavioral/emotional disorder but was moved to the mental illness area a bit over a decade ago. Therapy and at times medicine is helpful to quiet the emotions down. Not always needed but requires a lot of awareness on your part to dismantle the negative thoughts and feelings.
i understand the soul being tired. Wow do I get that. But that is fixable. They have so much out there on all this. Meditations are great for the needed break and vibrate a higher energy for the soul. Not so much the standard guided ones but the other ones. The healing meditations. The soul really thrives off "love" and nature and the beauty of it, walking helps a lot and nature walks or by the ocean are very uplifting.
this is a journey, thats really all it is.