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For about 3-4 years now I have thought I had depersonalization, recently I noticed that when it gets really quiet (at night when everyone is asleep) I start hearing things but not every single night. Not voices telling me to do things, I just hear people talking but i can't hear what they say. I hear them talking to one another quietly. I sometimes hear the television on or my brother playing video games but when I go to see who is awake, no-one is out there with the the in and my brother is not playing video games. My memory has gotten so bad that I can't remember anything before the age of 10, I barely remember anything before the age of 15, just small memories that don't really matter. I don't remember what day it is, I don't remember what month it is, I don't remember what I did the past week. I feel distant from the world, I feel like I literally live in my head, like my body just does what I want yet it isn't attached to me. I literally feel like i am inside my head just sitting here thinking to myself 24/7. I get depressed extremely badly when I'm alone at my house. I get awful thoughts of killing people after they hurt my loved ones mentally or physically. I brutally murder them, I break their necks, I sometimes fantasize that I have powers and I use them to kill people that are hurting my loved ones. Sometimes I have random thoughts of a family member naked and I immediately shake my head furiously to get the thoughts out of my head. I don't know why but I always have to have attention, I get depressed and tell some Friends that I am going to kill myself so that they will care for me and talk me out of it even though I have no intention of actually Killing myself. If I'm not in a relationship, I get extreme suicidal thoughts. I act erratic and I do things and say things that I don't understand why I do them. I get so attached to my friends that I always want to be around them 24/7. I haven't been home for more than a day in the past few weeks because of this. I am 17 btw. I smoke weed to forget the issues in my life and I smoke cigarettes Because of my anxiety and bc I'm addicted. I have extremely bad anger issues but I have learned how to suppress them. I don't know what is wrong with me but if I don't soon find out I am going to absolutely lose it. Please help me.
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