I feel so sad

Hi Mrs J.

Sorry to hear you are feeling sad! This is not going to help , but me too!

If you feel scared, lock your door,(but dont do a me and forget to take your keys out the lock, this tends to lead to locking your husband out!!). I have done this , by accident, on occassion!

Close all curtains,,,and phone someone who could help up your spirits. My sister is my favourite for this! She has lots of funny stories to tell!

I feel like a yo yo at the mo, up then down!

My arms feel sore, stomach feels like someone has planted some worms in it, , I have the biggest black bags under my eyes! Cant explain the nervous and pain that I have...I keep sweating too! Dont get me at all!

I do have a funny story to tell...it may halp you smile....

After being at childrens concert...I opened a can of fizzy....juice!....Yuck! It sprayed all over me....all over my trousers ....alll over my coat....everywhere!!! So I stand up....and my friend with the loudest voice ever, shouts....'.oh no....you should have practiced those pelvic floor exercises more'....ie look everyone...look whose peed herself. So I go off to the nursery toilets to try and clean myself up. Then meet teacher who says:'Is that you going to change your nappy then?' (How so so cheeky!). Hmm, maybe you had to be there!

I was quite relieved to get home!

Still feel bad though...but maybe things like this will get us better. Hope Ive helped.

Thanks Katy

That was very funny but I didn't wet myself laughing (nearly).

The curtains have been closed since 4.30 and the door is now locked. I hate going to sleep at night so I think this will be the most testing time.

I keep thinking things like,,,,,, what about if it gets icy outside and he crashes the car. I won't be able to get to him. What about if something happens and I can't fix it. I feel like I can't be on my own.

I sit still hoping if I don't do anything then nothing will happen.

I feel so mad.

J

x

Dont go there! This is not going to help...but my partner had an incident just a couple of hrs ago. He was cycling to work...and some silly birdy opens car door to get out car...he cannot slow down quick enough...crashes into the door of the car...and then hits another car! He is a bit shocked at mo! But bumped his bad knee and arm,(he was just lucky it was not his head!).

The worrying just does not end...at my end...I told him that I knew what I was going to get him for christmas, but he was not too happy about that little comment...so i did not help him....but at least he is okay!

Its like going out with that guy from 'Curb your enthusiasm\"!

Could he not have just got the bus?

Husband got there ok. I shouldn't have worried.

Next time to worry is when its bed time and I try to get to sleep.

Got a relaxation CD to listen to. It sounds like waves sweeping up on a beach. So far its worked everytime, hopefully it will work this time.

Katy hope your partner is ok. give him a hot coco and tuck him up in bed with a hot water bottle. That always help when you hurt yourself.

J

x

I rang him to see if was fine. He was not . He sounded upset...so I told him to tell his boss...and to come home.

Boss would not send him home...I am just hoping he has calmed down...not so good though!

My children are so excited about santa coming. I cant settle them...my head is nipping...from alll the noise they make....(go to sleep little ones...or youll end up like monster me...with big black bags) so I cannot focus on my partner at mo! Though he has not come home...I just want to speak to him in peace...theres too much noise! (Control your children...child!) Is what I often think!

Christmas is just one big lie for me, santa does not exist....and neither does that stuff...alll that stuff about mary, jesus and god. That minister in that church today went on and on and on and on and on...I just wanted to say look...there is no god, there is no mary and there was never a baby jesus. You would have to be ridiculous to believe such nonsense. I cannot write, on this forum ...the little pattern of swear words which all fitted together when that sillly, brainwashing minister was speaking!!! I cant handle that stuff...I do apologise if you are in anyway religious...but my wee head cannot go there...its all nonsense. Xmas is just an excuse to put up tacky fairy lights and spend alot of money on packaging!!!

Sorry, I just wanted to view my thoughts, as this stress at this time , does not help me and all this banging in my head. Please forgive me if you do believe...but Iam just not interested in all that waffle. But I do think its a good excuse to spend some quality familty time together...thats what I think its all about, nothing more...nothing less..You would have to be ////to believe, I think!

My family seems to be falling apart...and I dont get to spend time with my partner...this sounds really bitter...but partner and his dad, partner and his deaf dad, partner and his deaf dad ... is what I am faced with all the time. And he does this thing....his dad..(dont get me wrong) He is a good guy...he does this thing,,,he puts his whisky glass or wine glass , depending on what his tipple is, on his head, to top him up....I find this so annoying. Even though he is elderly , he has all his bits , all his bits intact, moreso than my mum who is not elderly..yet,,,and I have to ...well...top him up! I find this so annoying.

He just sits...then partner copies!

Is it normal to feel this aggravated..i am not so sure...but even when my partner collected me from hosp after having 2nd baby....who was in the car..yes,,,you guessed it...his dad....I could hardly get my big bottom in the car for his dad and the childrens car seats.

On and on and on...waffle.waffle waffle...why does he not understand that I have my own family considerations to cope with? Is this really insensitive.?..is it not just that my partner wants to spend every last moment with his dad?

katy, I used to be like you. things about people annoyed me. Every little thing they did that wasn't \"normal\". You know like putting a glass on their head and sitting there like a stuffed melon.

Now after taking the medication I feel more awake to differnet situations. If it doesn't hurt anyone/anyhing then it realy don't matter. If it does hurt someone then its upto that person to say. If that persons not able, mentally/physically able to stop the pain then it annoys me and I will say something.

If your mum does something she doesn't like I'm sure she will say so. You cannot look after everyone and you should let other people have the chance to look after themselves. Maybe sometimes your mum don't mind the situation as much as you do.

Your partner must be a good man if he wants to spend time with his elderly dad. He could be the sort to go to the pub everynight with his mates and spend all the money.

He could have sent someone to pick you up from the hospital after you had your second child but he didn't he wanted to be there.

He must have some good points. You need to look for them. Think of all the people who have to hide there faces cos their partner has done something horrible. I know something happened to you recently but he did say sorry and I'm sure he's getting stressed about christmas and money.

At least he works and don't sit on his backside all day and night and then go to the betting shop and pub.

You are very lucking. Try to see that. I wish I could talk to you more but I'm sure they will remove it if I carry on anymore.

better finish now before you eyes get to tired from the reading.

take care sweetpea

J x

Sorry, you probablywant to go to bed!

But at least you have been distracted from all that fear..me too..anyway, yes...you have a point about my partner...maybe we are too alike...He does make an effort to meke me laugh and stuff...and , like my mum always says..\"there is not enough forgivenss'... I know that if I were to split with him ... I would really miss him...but I have to weigh everything uo...I cannot decide what to do...but I do not know if i will ever be able to forgive him for last weekeneds events! It was scary...but I think..the monster in me drove him to it!

Deep down, I just want it back...to how it used to be...I dont really understand what has happenened...is it just silly old me?

Its not silly you, its having children and being tired, going to work and paying the bills. doing the housework and then when something out of the ordinary happens its too much to cope with.

I know how you feel. I go to work and hope nothing differnet happens cos I don't know if I can handle it or if I will have to go in the break room and escape for a few minutes.

Try to tell yourself to chillout more. Time for your brain to adjust. The children will be excited and you need to see the fun in father christmas and their little faces on christmas morning.

They will love christmas day as long as you don't argue with dad and all have fun. Even if they don't get everything they want atleast you can make the day fun.

be strong. I know you can do it

J x

I'm now in bad and I feel like I want to run away and hide. My breathing is getting harder and it feels like my asthma has started to play up. Its proberly not my asthma but a panic attack.

Got to take deep breathes and calm down. want to cry

Anyone got any words of help

PLEASE

Mrs J, are you okay? Did you get over your panic...I get it too! Usually i cant get my breathe, and cough etc...then cry...like a v unhappy baby! Hope you are good now...another dayetc...yippee...hmmm!

Partner has gone to the police station to report his accident. He was fine after...a little shaken. He was more upset about the humiliation of it all!

Hope you are okay...I was like you on Thursday night......I did not get any sleep (even after taking a little pill) , I could not breathe and coughed and coughed ...could not breathe etc. Friday was tiring...but I sort of get used to feeling completely jaded.

Hope you feel better soon, luv Katy

Hi Katy

In a rotton mood today. Spoken to husband on text and e-mail. He can't be bothered to phone.

Got xmas tree in from the shed. Not going to put it up until hes here. Not going to do everything on my own.

I keep crying, I don't want to do it but it keep happening.

Don't even feel angry that husband has gone away. He's visiting family for xmas and I'm not up to seeing people I hardly know.

Its not even that I hate being here. I don't know what it is.

J

x

Oh! Mrs J you dont sound good today! Hope it all gets better! I still feel ////to, but I have found something out...you may find this weird. hey it may , hopefully, cheer you up.

Smells! Its all smell associated...all of it! If I smell bleach..I want to throw up....if someone walks past me in the street reeking of alcohol....I want to throw up! But if someone does a washing, in that laveneder bold washing powder, I feel more comfortable. If someone srpeys jasmine and rose oils....I feel better, although low, nut more comfy.

Maybe you could try it.

Do you worry that you are in a bad way becuase your body is preparing you for some horrible trauma? That makes you worse....Yip...

Hope you get better soon. You could go and buy something nice for your tree!!! Got to go...partner coming home!

Okay ,,,yet another wierd day! I cant stop ranting about how unfair this world seems!!!Maybe its this pill...maybe its not working!

I thought I was in a good mood today, how wrong was I ?

Mrs J ...are you there...are you okay...are youfeeling better yet???

My partner went to the police to report incident. (Why is it that no one tells you how the system operates, until its too late!!!)Why is that?_. Apparently, an ambulance should have been called...its mad! The policing system ought to be sorted to!!!!So far they have never managed to help me in times of need either...and now my partne thinks he has ptsd...he keeps calling me Fiona. Hmm....dont go there!!!

Do you think its carma from the events of last weekend?

Are you there Mrs J? Are you okay? Hey. at least you have a tree, a shed , a house....it could be worse...do you ever think like that? Sometimes I can...but then things happen...and it all seems to get worse...

Sorry, that prob does not help you.

Yip .....I took the thirteenth post...okay....scared...what next?!!!!

Mrs J....are you okay?

Please be...I have not heard from you. You have done me some good...so chin up! Pls be okay! Hope you are!

Katy