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I feel very stuck in my life, like everything.. Anxiety and depression doesn't let me explore the world and who I am. In my youth I had not a decent opportunity to develop myself like other kids did. I had to grow up quicker then others due to a difficult situation at home which lasted 10 years. This affected me as a person and it made me a introvert. People always used to call me a quiet person and a dreamer, this made me sad, insecure and gloomy, even most of my family called me so everything I seen them. That's why I used marijuana daily to get away from reality, because I actually didn't want to be on the planet. It was something which really didn't fit me as a person.
2,5 years the bucket of water overflowed and I ended up in a deep valley which I am still trying to clime out of. I had time to think about a lot things which I was going through in the past. The only hope which keeps me going is that some day I will be stronger then ever with much more knowledge about life. But it is just hope for now and I am feeling stuck more by the day.
My emotions and thoughts makes me desperate. I feel hopeless and I can't see how I could find happiness in life, mostly because I never really did. It makes me gloomy that I lost my freedom in life of anxiety. I don't know how I can feel better about myself. It feels like I have a blanket of pure negative feeling over me which I even can feel physically.
I am now busy to search for freelance work which is going to be a gigantic step in life. I did stop with my study 2 years ago and in the meantime I mostly stayed anxious and depressed at home. I don't feel ready for it, but I want to take step so badly. First thing I want to do when I feel happy and strong is to travel the world and just EXPLORE.
I have another thing which frustrates me a lot and that is that I have the feeling that my mind blocked certain thoughts and emotions. In my past I used some sort of 'robotmodus' which turned of everything and I still experience stuff from that. The one that bothers me the most is that I can't cry which frustrates me a lot, because I feel like that would keep off some weight of my shoulders of negativity. The idea that my mind blocks me of crying makes me very frustrated. I don't want to feel like a robot anymore.
I am also afraid that I will always be alone. I mean I have my mom where I live and my sister and brother, but that's very limited of course. I did have enough friends in the past, but I am not able to keep up with there lifestyle anymore so I almost never see them. Another thought which makes me feel very gloomy is that I am not worthy enough for a relationship with a female. Like who the hell wants to start something with a guy which can't take care of his self properly?
Hopefully I could get some advice.
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