I feel stuck..

Posted , 6 users are following.

Hi,

I have a generalized anxiety disorder which affects my life a lot. I am dealing with it 2,5 years now and I'm 20 years old. Besides my anxiety or because of my anxiety I also suffer from depression.

I feel very stuck in my life, like everything.. Anxiety and depression doesn't let me explore the world and who I am. In my youth I had not a decent opportunity to develop myself like other kids did. I had to grow up quicker then others due to a difficult situation at home which lasted 10 years. This affected me as a person and it made me a introvert. People always used to call me a quiet person and a dreamer, this made me sad, insecure and gloomy, even most of my family called me so everything I seen them. That's why I used marijuana daily to get away from reality, because I actually didn't want to be on the planet. It was something which really didn't fit me as a person.

2,5 years the bucket of water overflowed and I ended up in a deep valley which I am still trying to clime out of. I had time to think about a lot things which I was going through in the past. The only hope which keeps me going is that some day I will be stronger then ever with much more knowledge about life. But it is just hope for now and I am feeling stuck more by the day.

My emotions and thoughts makes me desperate. I feel hopeless and I can't see how I could find happiness in life, mostly because I never really did. It makes me gloomy that I lost my freedom in life of anxiety. I don't know how I can feel better about myself. It feels like I have a blanket of pure negative feeling over me which I even can feel physically.

I am now busy to search for freelance work which is going to be a gigantic step in life. I did stop with my study 2 years ago and in the meantime I mostly stayed anxious and depressed at home. I don't feel ready for it, but I want to take step so badly. First thing I want to do when I feel happy and strong is to travel the world and just EXPLORE.

I have another thing which frustrates me a lot and that is that I have the feeling that my mind blocked certain thoughts and emotions. In my past I used some sort of 'robotmodus' which turned of everything and I still experience stuff from that. The one that bothers me the most is that I can't cry which frustrates me a lot, because I feel like that would keep off some weight of my shoulders of negativity. The idea that my mind blocks me of crying makes me very frustrated. I don't want to feel like a robot anymore.

I am also afraid that I will always be alone. I mean I have my mom where I live and my sister and brother, but that's very limited of course. I did have enough friends in the past, but I am not able to keep up with there lifestyle anymore so I almost never see them. Another thought which makes me feel very gloomy is that I am not worthy enough for a relationship with a female. Like who the hell wants to start something with a guy which can't take care of his self properly?

Hopefully I could get some advice.

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    hey coto,

    I just wanna say I understand how you're feeling. I have very similar feelings. I've had GAD and depression for over 10 years now. I have no real advice to give.....but wanted to say you're not alone. Best of luck... keep your chin up.

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  • Posted

    Many many are stUck but surprising you can achieve contentment in that. Practice and practice it and do that always through your life, it doesn't come easily so be prepared to stick it out for a long period You have your famile and a home - what about the hundreds homeless on the streets or those facing terminal illnesses and their families . For now it's a matter of learning to cope with 1 day at a time

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    • Posted

      Well contentment is very difficult to get. When I go outside my house my mind and body immediately goes on alert and it makes it impossible to have fun. I don't know how to change that. Some things has got easier to do, but I am never relaxed.

      Of course I am happy that I have my mom, brother and sister which do support me, but my world feels very small.. It might sound strange, but sometimes I am thinking that having a physical decease would make so much easier.. I explained a thousand times to my father what I have, but he still doesn't get and accept it. Of course I don't accept it myself, but to have some support to someone who stands close to you makes things easier.. But lucky for me I do have a couple people who are there for me.

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  • Posted

    Hi Coto, I too had to grow up quickly but am 60 this year so managed it and to be honest learnt a lot from it. You still have your Mum and siblings, can you talk to them, really talk to them or do you shy away from sharing your thoughts? if you can get through to them how low you are feeling that may be what it needs to release your tears and start to heal. Not everyone is full on happy all the time and being quiet is not a bad thing. Do you have any hobbies or anywhere you can go to speak to people? Not everyone meets someone in the clubs and pubs there are people like yourself everywhere you just need the right moment to start up a conversation. My mantra in life is SMILE, a smile makes the world a better place and through this you can start up a lot of conversations, on the bus, train, coffee shops, libraries. I think the best friendships are those made randomly. At 20 you are still young and have plenty of time to meet the love of your life you are worthy, believe that. My son is 20 and has never had a girlfriend, he is very confident but not into clubs and pubs so it is a lot harder and he feels lonely at times. Get that freelance work, this will open a whole new world and one in which you will meet new people. I will say that looking miserable will turn any new friends off, deep breath smile and just say hi, you never know where it may lead. Promise me that you speak to your family, they may just see you as a grump and not really understand what is going on inside. Take Care and remember you are as worthy of life as the rest of us x

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    • Posted

      Hi,

      Well most of the things I can share with my mom except a few things. I also see a psychologist, but I don't share like everything with her. Mostly the things I really am ashamed of I keep them to myself. I don't think it would help me to release my tears to tell them those things. I understand no one is always happy, but I think I just forget the true meaning of happiness and peace. I just stopped taking my prozac for a few days, because I had the feeling it didn't work anymore. Smiling is a thing you can achieve the most with, but having anxiety and 0 relaxation makes it really hard to impossible to do. Sometimes I can do a fake smiles.. But yeah.. That doesn't mean a lot. What I said above, when I leave my doorsteps I am never fully relaxed and always alert. This makes it hard to have room for positive emotions and thoughts. I don't know how to break this pattern.. Maybe it just needs time. Love is something I am ashamed of to talk about, mostly because in the past when I had the opportunities I screwed it up, because I was afraid to let anyone get into my comfortzone. Makes me gloomy to think back about that. And now there is no way that I could get a normal relationship with someone, because of my anxiety and depression. I try to not think about it a lot, but sometimes you can't stop thoughts:/. Yeah that freelance work could help me out a lot I think. It's good to not have the full pressure of a payed job so I can work to it slowly.

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  • Posted

    Hi Coto - sorry to read you are suffering. You are not alone. There are several points in your post that should be addressed:

    How long have you used pot and when did you start using it? The brain is not through with growth until about 21 years of age. Usage in the teen years can cause necessary connections to be stunted. Early usage can also cause psychosis. You are self-medicating to escape and to numb yourself - which is perfectly understandable. People use all sorts of escapes - alcohol, gambling, drugs, sex - anything to relive the pain or shut the door to it. It is not the answer as it does not address the underlying issues.

    You have trained yourself not to react to things, shutting off your ability to express in the moment. The inability to cry is a symptom of that. It's disassociating from the moment and cramming down the emotion. It's a practiced method to prevent feeling anything. Once you access and express the underlying pain, the floodgates will open. Embrace it, don't be afraid.

    You are not opening up to your psychologist. It takes time to trust another person - particularly with sensitive and deep feelings and secrets. That's perfectly natural, but the psychologist is there to help you, support you, give you a safe place to vent, to guide you through the process. She is not there to judge you, and if you feel she is, get another psychologist. If you bury things from her, her ability to help you is stunted. The result won't be as beneficial as it might be. Those secrets you are burying are what keeps you down. Like a wound that is bandaged and never given air or light, those wounds will fester and eat away at the inside. Trusting another person with anything is very difficult for people like us, but it is the way out as difficult as it is to go there. Keep working at it.

    It doesn't matter what others think about you. We are trained from the point we can understand that we are responsible for the feelings and thoughts of others. When we do that we are not serving anyone, least of all ourselves. You come first. Whatever anyone else thinks about us in the moment, 30 seconds later they are wondering what to have for dinner. Their ignorance of us and shallowness of their assumptions are only real when we give them power. It's a habit we are indoctrinated with, the delusion that we are responsible for what they feel/think. It's rather narcissistic if you think about it, that we have that sort of power over others. Likewise, they don't have that power over us, even though we are trained to think they do.

    Self understanding, trusting another enough to be honest with them, knowing that we are worth as much as anyone else, and perseverance is what will walk you out of that valley. It'll take time, but time is what we all have, plenty of it, and that time is never better spent than when we use it to understand ourselves and be honest about our needs. Go for it - it's the best job you'll ever have.

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  • Posted

    Getting professional help, joining therapy groups, exercising almost daily, reading books written by others suffering our same ailment and medication did wonders for me. We are all different, I know but the only advise I can give is advise that worked for me.

    BTW introvert is not a bad word. There is nothing wrong with being reserved, withdrawn, restrained, inhibited, shy and modest....which are all other words for introvert. Although some around you may make you feel bad because you arenĀ“t an extrovert, there is nothing wrong with being and introvert!

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    • Posted

      I have professional help for 2 years, but it didn't made a lot improvement yet to be honest. It made some thing easier to do with less anxiety, but I'm always alert and its drowning my energy really.

      I'm actually looking for a good exercise routine again, so I'll be fit again. I already gave it a try in the past, but I gave up after 3 months, because my energy was so low I couldn't even do a 5 minute workout. Probably because I also did a (wrong) diet besides it.

      I know everyone is different and everyones mind work different. Some things could work for me, but not for you etc. At the end its my own journey.

      You know I also am aware that introvert isn't bad, but in my situation I learned it myself from things from the past. Therapy improved that I am a bit more open to others, but often I still can't be myself. My own father is calling me that all the time my whole life when I see him and he discuss it with my whole family which actually really have hurt me and still does. Now a days I say more when I'm with my father, but I can't be myself. That's why I don't really like to go there. Besides that he don't want to respect what I have and don't want to look for the best way to help me. The last vacation with him he said I had ruined his whole vacation, because at one dinner I wasn't feeling well and had a anxiety attack. That really breaked me and that was the only time I cried in 3 years.

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