I feel terrible after last night

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Hi, ive had a manic episode for about a week now and last night i went out on my own, I consumed a massive amount of alcohol and gambled away £500... to top it off I ended the night by enganging in very risky activities. I have a beautiful wife at home and a beautiful 3 year old daughter,,, we also have a second child on the way. I hate myself so much, am i selfish? is it my bipolar that sends me on these intense alcohol fulled nights or is it just me? and as usually the manic stage has disappeared and has been replaced by guilt and worry. please help

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  • Posted

    Chris - have you been diagnosed with BD, and if so, what type and when?  If you are bipolar, this would certainly explain episodes of risky behaviour like the one you describe - though it could also be explained by other mental disorders or just by personality or social factors (eg. friends who behave the same way).  In short, a lot of contextual information is required to assess why you behaved this way and whether it might happen again, and what you should do about it.
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    • Posted

      Hi, yes I have been diagnosed with bipolar by one physc and then I relapsed badly and was told by another physc that I have unstable personality disorder. So to be honest I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I just feel so lonely and embrassed with the way i behave.
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    • Posted

      to live with this condition, you have to learn to accept that many if not most people are not capable of understanding mental disorder like BD, and will always judge you unfairly for any weird behaviour you show. All you can do is keep reminding them of your problem, or failing that, having less to do with them - but don't let their views make you think that you are doing bad stuff just to p*ss them off - you don't always have control of your behaviour, and that is not your fault. If they don't understand that, you either educate them or move away from them...
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  • Posted

    Hi Chris am sorry you feel so awful. I hope you are a bit better today? When were you diagnosed with BD? Has anything changed? What drugs are you on?
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  • Posted

    Hi Chris,

    I wanted to reply because I too have Bipolar Disorder, and your experience last night made me feel desperately sad. I too am married with two young children and, whilst I have never been unfaithful to my wife, I understand what happened to you last night during my many years when I was undiagnosed and unmedicated. 

    Bipolar is a vicious condition and I feel your pain. I have Type 2 Bipolar, but I understand how difficult manic episodes are as a recent spell on antidepressents made me go way higher than I'm accustomed too. It was deeply unpleasant, and all I could think of doing was all sorts of crazy stuff- gambling, risky walks in dangerous towns and the like. Prior to being married, I spent many years engaging in extremely risky behaviours at university, which made me more depressed when episodes came and, without sufficient diagnosis, thinking I was 'wierd' and 'too crazy' for anyone to love!

    Firstly, no you're not selfish. You have an illness which means you struggle to maintain a balanced mood. Whilst this doesn't get you 'off the hook', it's important that you give yourself a break. You should also try and get on some mood stabilizers. Lithium is a great drug for me personally, and its good to take when you have young children as the side effects are very minor if you get your dose right. Second- it's your bipolar that does sends you into 'intense alcohol fuelled nights', not you being a bad guy. The simple fact that you feel guilt and worry shows that you aren't a bad guy. Having a manic episode is like taking drugs, having a great time and then waking up filled with shame and regret- it's awful. Bear in mind that some of what you're feeling is due to your brain being 'wrung out' by what happened. If I were you, I would take a few days to breathe and think through what happened. I say this only because I myself have bipolar and, had I not have been medicated, it would have ruined my life in a heartbeat. 

    You are not a bad person. You have an illness and, as hard as it is, no one should condemn you for it. After all, we don't walk around telling people with diabetes or artheritis to stop being so selfish and 'snap out of it'!

    Lastly, I see one of your psychiatrists suggested an emotionally unstable PD. I have both Bipolar and Emotionally Unstable PD, and they are as unpleasant as each other. Get the right diagnosis as soon as you can, get medicated and don't put too much pressure on yourself to fix everything right away. 

    Feel free to reply with any questions, and I'll do my best to answer them. I really hope you're doing ok buddy. 

    Charlie 

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  • Posted

    Bipolar is just the sophistercated name for Manic Depressive. When we are out of balnced in our minds either from things that happened in our past that we did not deal with than we bury our emotions alive.  Then since our mind is like a computer center we can store, delete, fast forward etc.  Also we can get a virus which is Bi-Polar.  The antedote is counseling, delete and renewing your muind in a relationship with Jesus Christ.  the alcohol and other stuff is a choice you make to cover how you are really feeling.  please deal with it before you lose your family. take resposibility for your own actions.
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  • Posted

    Hey, 

    I used to have similiar nights to this except I dont gamble. About 6 months into getting treatment I decided to stop drinking large quantities its the one of the best decisions ive made. I feel happier healthier and more in control. I my medication has worked better and I have stopped engaging in risky and wild behavior. I still feel my mood shift but since stopping drinking and giving the medicine time to work the mania hasnt been as out of control and the depression hasnt been as unbearable. I still enjoy a couple of drinks socially but do not lose control.

    If there is one thing i recomend doing it is to stop drinking till your drunk. Just have a couple and move on to soft drinks.

    I used to think when people told me to stop drinking they were being party poopers so to speak but now i realise they had my best intrests at heart.

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