I feel worse than I did before, I feel like I have given in.

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I have been depressed for a long time i know, and since just before christmas started having panick attacks in which I ended up in casuality (I had to have tests for everything from stroke to brain tumour) They found nothing physically wrong with me.

It seems that every 10 years I have some kind of major crisis normally resulting from a drink and/or drugs binge (on the face of it I am a middle class professional mum of three beautiful children, I do charity work in Africa, have many friends a caring loving husband) but I just cant stop pushing 'self destruct' for years I have been in and out of counselling, but have always refused medication. After my latest crisis I have finally agreed to try medication and have prescribed Citalopram, I am on day 5, I feel worse than I did before, I can't do anything, I have no energy and feel like I am in a bubble, my husband and children are confused and frightend as they have never seen me like this before, i can normally get back on my feet after a few days of feeling low, but now I just sit and stare, smoke cigarettes and drink tea, I have no appetite, I hav'nt washed for days, I feel like I have given into medication and its taken me over, is it best sometimes just to go it alone and except this is me and ditch the meds???? Any adivce greatly appreciated :? :?

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  • Posted

    Ditching the medication shouldn't be the first option. Citalopram will take 4 to 6 weeks to show the benefit. Stick with it at least that long. In the meantime take a good long look at your situation. Be honest with yourself and ask why you feel like you do. I suspect you know the answer but you might be unwilling to admit it to yourself. Be brave and say it.
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  • Posted

    Thank you for your reply,

    I have also been reffered to a pyscologist so I guess its time to try and see it through unlike before when I have given up after a few weeks.

    I know many of my problems stem from childhood but I just get so bored talking about it again and again, I guess I think I am text book.....Violent alcoholic father, fucked up mother, pedophile step father, adolesence spent in care, Mum and dad both dead before age 50, (older father figure husband who takes care of me) A fear of intamcy and comittment (although I have managed to stay married for 10 years, but thats more to do with my husband than me).

    I then worked my backside off to never be the 'sterotype' kid that leaves care, I got my education and worked hard in my career. But my career is working with kids in care managing projects to give them better oppertunities and a 'way out' saving kids who were just like me, although it does'nt always work does it?

    Sorry, I am going on now, maybe this is a side effect of the meds? I can't sleep by the way, hense the reason for being on here at 2.00am!

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  • Posted

    Leanora1-me too!

    excpet my relationships with everyone, aside my children, are dysfunctional!

    I cant sleep either! I either sleep all the time, so much thta i miss so many things, or im awake for days and do not know how to fill the time!

    Citalopram should kikc in about 4 weeks in. When i was better than i am now, it did work! (EVETUALLY-be patient and kind to yourslef and tuh, dont let others eat your good qualities- we all have some somewhere!

    I cant sleep! I feel like someone planted bricks on my bod, I honestly want to go! Thers nothing here! I am being criticised for being an unstable alcoholic mother ( medical notes state this too) I went for help and wham bam ive fed into the hands of my ex, whose not only really hurt me but really should be put in some instituition for what hes done.

    Having siad all that, i was probaly of the reails when i met him nevermind the rest. ive gone for help and NO ONE IS listening TO ME! Hes won! hes doing what his father did to his mum! What his father did to him and his siclings to my children and ive been sick! :roll: vecause ive been painted in such a bad light and i dont feel anyone believes me or ever will, i want to go...and its killing me..becaus ei love my children. they are different ! My children are open minded, caring and very very beatiful, but im a rubbish mum as its been recorded and no one is helping. i can help myslef uh huh il do that and this- but no one is listening to what really is bothering me and i find it hard to talk about, and wether im being believed is another story!

    Im reliving shit from 14 years ago, the present circumstance and , why couldnt my twin have had my life???????????????

    Okay for anyone who want s a laugh go google the italian man wh owent to Malta. it will maybe make you chuckle for a brief secondor 2. i dont care anymore , i thin my anti psychotic meds are making me psychotic, and citalopram is making me sick! I want no more meds and i want to be left alone!

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  • Posted

    Hey Leonar1. Youll be amazed at what a psychologist can break through! Im so glad youve been givn a Psych because they are truly great. I just hope yours helps you as much as mine has just done! Maybe you should mention that you cant get to sleep on this stuff-as that can lead to other problems. Take care!
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  • Posted

    Decided to take my pill at night as it was draning me during the day, felt really good all evening, managed to cook dinner from scratch, did a load of washing and sat up and watched some tv with my eldest son, went to bed at 11.00pm, took the pill, at 2.10am was woken thinking I was having a heart attack, could'nt breath felt like my skin was on fire, I knew it was the effects of the pill, so I managed it and went back to sleep. Feel ok this am, have done the school run, going to try and wash today as I hav'nt done that for a few days now. Going to GP tomorrow and hubbie has agreed to come with me. This really is an hour by hour, day by day thing....
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  • Posted

    It's only day 10. Keep going and I'm sure you'll feel the benefit. I did, even though the early days were really difficult. You sound as though you have support. That's so important.
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  • Posted

    Pains in chest, and burning sensation ended up being a chest infection and not the pills, so on antibiotics, but feeling much better on my meds, had a better nights sleep, still feeling tender emotionally, but no more side effects, so have decided to stick to it.

    My worry now is that I am hiding away from the aftermath and consequenses of my last drama, it has effected many people this time, I am frightend of what will happen next, and worry that I will really lose it. I wish i could turn the clock back, I wish my life was normal.....

    Thank you for all the support and advice being given on this sight, it really is very useful, I am hoping to be able to offer some back to others when I am feeling stonger....

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