i got brain damage from electroconvulsive therapy.

Where do you live?

I haven't heard of that.

However I found that memory loss was also apparent in the way I felt about peopleI I couldn't remember the feeling of love. I still find it hard to feel love when I get really tired even now. I feel totally lacking in emotions.... Just hollow....

But those emotions and feelings have returned.

I was punch drunk by the end of it. I couldn't walk through doors without walking into frames.

ECT damages many parts of the brain... That is reflected in the more diverse symptoms that you describe.

Psychiatrists can't control the damage it does. They don't even know what it is actually doing.

12 years on things are easier.... But I will never work again.

But i have rebuilt my life and found happiness.

I hope that helps.

I had ect in 1962, maybe a dozen times. Prior to that, I seemed to be normal, but then suddenly started to mentally malfunction. Delusions, wild anxieties. My parents took me to a psychiatrist but I reacted violently to him and he told my parents to have me put in a state hospital. I was 16. I didn't resist it, not knowing what that might mean. As I remember it they started me on ect almost immediately and I realized quickly that I didn't like it or the hospital and needed to figure a way out. So I cooperated fully and was released after 3 months. After release I became bipolar but never sought treatment. Or medication. I just white knuckled through my life and now I am 70. The manic part of my condition kind of went away in my thirties, but I still have depression tendencies. I retired 5 years ago and enjoy not having to be social unless I want to be. I'm married but that may not last much longer. I recently read about ect and it sounded right. I've struggled with memory issues since ect and feel like I lost of lot of IQ points from it as well. I did well in school before but struggled after. I never saw a therapist after the ects nor have been on an anti-depressent.

dear donjames,

you've got twenty or thirty years left in this life. see a therapist and doctor for treatment. it could work for your depression tendencies. even if you've got ten or fifteen years left, they can be spent feeling better than now. your story is horrible. i'm so sorry you went through all that at such a young age. but you've managed to get married and work a job. even if that's coming to an end, you've accomplished a lot more than me. after my ect treatments, i lost some i.q. points also. i tryed going back to work, but after a year i had to leave. i can't work anymore.

please consider even a consultation with a mental health worker. i imagine you've suffered enough all these years. there could be some left to enjoy. thanks for sharing your story, i don't feel so alone about those i.q. points. my family thinks i'm just stupid. we're not stupid. good luck with whatever you do!

truly, laura

when i was close to middle age, i got ect treatments for depression. during it, i was hospitalized for a few months, released...then relapsed, and then went back and got more. and then i went to a 'day treatment program' for about five and a half years. it was like being hospitalized, only i didn't stay overnight. since i have amnesia, i don't remember everything. and i should be glad, because those were the worst years of my life. i wasn't even that depressed before the treatments...a doctor talked me into them, and i trusted him. big mistake not researching it first.  after that program, i saw a phsychiatrist once a month for meds, and a therapist twice a week. its been ten years i've been doing that. the first six were horrible because they couldn't find the right medication for me. so my psychotherapy didn't work at all. i was miserable and thought of suicide frequently. i'd become so much sicker than before the treatments, and was angry because the doctors kept telling me and my family that i was not brain damaged, just depressed. very frustrating. i'd say ,within the last four years i'm on meds that are helping. suicide thoughts are down. but there is still a lot of anger. i feel like what could have been the best years of my life were destroyed. before the treatments i was well enough to work, and was planning on marrying. that all changed, i came back a different girl. and family and friends are still waiting for me to 'get well' again. like i was those years ago.

so since i can't work and make money, i am relying on family and my boyfriend. he's the one i was supposed to marry. our relationship is different now. everything is different now, but i can't go back and change things, so i really do what i can to have some joy and fullfillment in my life today. i have a cat i adore, and since i'm creative, i like to draw. i can't read books like i used too, but i do like watching some television shows. i need to stop smoking and drinking and taking poor care of myself. have to start exercising. but i don't mind being alive so much these days. i have a great therapist who helps me navigate my issues and problems. and i pray too. i just try to make the most of what i've got now. life is precious, i know others who are suffering far more than me. i like to laugh a lot, i guess that's why i stick around. and miracles do happen. i just try my best to keep the depression under 'control'. if that's what it's even called. but i truly wouldn't be here if i weren't on medication and in therapy. i don't know how you got through life without it. give it a try. i don't think it will make your life worse. most importantly, don't ever be too hard on yourself. enjoy your retirement, i'm certain you worked hard for it.  make an appointment with your family doctor. they should have some good suggestions for you. you can look into group therapy and make some new friends. like i mentioned earlier, you still have enough time to have a better life. just consider it, okay? again, best wishes.....laura