I hate my life

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I'm a 29 year old male who lives with his parents.

December 10 I got full blown side effects of my anal fissure. I wasn't able to see the doctor until December 16 and had my mom with me when I saw the doctor (I know it sounds weird that my mom would be with me but I hardly ever see the doctor). He says it's an anal fissure and gave me a prescription for a cream and recommend I put a tuck each time I put new cream. 

When I came home along with the new cream I picked up from the pharmacy I forgot some of the directions the doctor said and my mom said I just have to be on a diet. I asked her specifically what the diet is supposed to be and all she said is I have to just eat less then I usually eat. 

I saw the doctor a 2nd time on December 31 and asked if I'm still on my diet, I said "yes" and he recorded himself saying "patient is still on his diet." 

I was suffering from the week of January 15 and on January 16 I tried to call the clinic hoping I can talk to my doctor on the phone and they said I can't but that I can talk to the nurse who works for my doctor who has all his notes on me. 

It turns out I was supposed to have 2 warm baths each day, have 25 grams of fiber each day, and used the cream and tucks 3 times a day which is now changed to 2 times a day. So the past few weeks before January 16 that I kept putting the cream and wondered why it wasn't healing now I know why it wasn't healing.

I was really angry at myself for not asking the doctor to write the directions down the first time I saw him so I wouldn't have depended on my mom who gave me misinformation. 

So I kept following the new instructions, and then January 22 I found out the wet wipes I've been using to clean my butt called Continell has chemicals that can cause rashes, anal bleeding, and even anal fissures and other bad stuff(to be specific I use those wet wipes to clean my butt everytime after I poop just in case if I wasn't clear enough), so I stopped using those wipes and started using Preparation H wipes because their is no chemicals in them. 

I saw the doctor on Monday(January 25) and asked him a bunch of questions, I also said my anus hurts everytime when I'm at work, he says it's the cream and tucks doing it and wants me to stop using them. I went with his new instructions and 11 hours later I felt extreme pain, I felt day one side effects of anal fissure. I then realized I forgot to tell the doctor about my use of Continell wet wipes that I've been using December 10 thru January 22. If I told him that he would have given me new instructions. 

On Tuesday I called the nurse and she said she'll send an email to him. I had only one day of cream left and I needed a refill. When I talked to the doctor on Monday(January 25) he accuse me of being obsessive so on Tuesday I assume he won't allow me to have a refill on the cream. 

Tuesday(January 26) I was really depressed, and I typed up a suicide letter to my parents. I had 3 reasons why I want to commit suicide, but the anal fissure is the number 1 reason. The other 2 reasons; I have a problem in trying to get a driver's license and the other reason is I'm a gay man in the closet who is about to turn 30 and NEVER did anything sexual to a male before. It doesn't have to be sex I would still be happy if I at least get to kiss an attractive guy. When I was 19 I felt upset about not getting a boyfriend but I told myself "you're young so you still have a lot of time left," well I'm about to turn 30 and now I'm too old and too ugly to get a boyfriend. 

If I didn't have an anal fissure, yes I'll still be a little depressed about being too late for me to get with a guy, but I won't be depressed enough to stop working on my novel. My anal fissure caused me to stop working on my novel because it made my depression to the extreme. 

My parents told me that I shouldn't kill myself and I felt like I needed to at least wait out one more day. 

Late on Tuesday night I found this website https://patient.info/forums/discuss/how-to-cure-anal-fissure-quickly--270871

On Wednesday morning I had the Coconut oil bath.

Wednesday early afternoon I got a call from a nurse saying my doctor heard about my message and allowed me a refill of the cream so I feel a little better. I decided to not follow that blog.

Today is January 28(the day before my 30th birthday), I went poop and I got really scared. There is no blood in my stool but my anus hurt a little.

I'm really really scared.

Back on Tuesday(January26) my mom scheduled the appoitment with a specialist, and the earliest they can make it is February 12, but I don't know if I can wait that long. The thing that annoyed me is a week before today I told her she can schedule the appoitment anyway because I don't know what my doctor will tell me, and she waited until January 26 to do this.

My mom on December 10 recommnded me Continell wet wipes me for to use, and then on December 16 she gave me misinformation on what the doctor said, and she waited a really long time to schedule an appoitment with a specialist. I will admit I should have told the doctor to write down the directions but I'm still angry at my mom and at myself too.

If I lose my job before February 12 I would lose my insurance, then I won't be able to see the specialist. I hope the pain of my anal fissure doesn't force me to quit my job.

PS 

My mom was only with me the first time I saw the doctor, she wasn't with me the next couple of times for anyone who is thinking it's wierd.

 

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Your life will improve and your Fissure will heal.  It takes time and committment but you have better days ahead.    Work with your specialist to find the best treatment options.  I know how bad it can get and most of the people on these discussions can relate.  You are not alone.  Keep your head up.    Josh
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  • Posted

    I forgot to say this, and this site doesn't allow you to update your blogs (I'm guessing it's a blog?) What I left out is if I'm forced to quit my job before February 12 and I end up losing my insurance, I'll commit suicide. I don't know if it will lead up to it but I really hope not.

    Also for anyone who is wondering how I got an anal fissure. Ever since I was a kid everytime when I wipe my butt after I poop I also used the tiolet paper to go into my anus to clean out the poop and then take out the tiolet paper afterwards.

    After doing it for many years it somehow caused an anal fissure. I only did it just to make sure I get all the poop out, it was my odd way to clean my butt, and if I knew it would cause me to have this anal fissure I wouldn't have done this.

    Yes I may lost 20 pounds during these 2 months, but having an anal fissure is still not worth it (especially if it's going to lead me to suicide). Even a week or 2 weeks before my anal fissure I decided to eat less then I uaually eat and then soon I got an anal fissure. I hate my life

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  • Posted

    Hi Patrick

    I first want to tell you how affected I was after reading your story. The fact that an anal fissure, which is bad enough in itself, could cause you to think of suicide is daunting. All of us who have had anal fissures will probably agree that there were times when not living compared to living with tremendous pain everyday seemed better. However, there is still hope and never give up. The moment you give up is the moment that the anal fissure has beat you and has taken over your life. Life I said before, all of us have been in your place somewhat and know how it feels like tolive in complete agony. Anal fissures are about the worse pain in the world, almost a euphoric pain. However, there are ways to heal them and it is all about findng the right methods to heal them. Everybody is different in the healing process as to whether they use coconut oil, or go on diets, or don;t eat at all, or try other kinds of creams like diltazem ointment or calmoseptine or try taking stiz baths or try taking fiber or whatever routine or strategy they have. The fact of the matter is you cannot give up. You have to fight through it and realize that there will be a time to which you  will feel better. Obviously, this probably sounds like bull to you being that you are in the situation  and I am outside giving you advice. And if I were you right now, I would probably feel the same about the advice that I am currently giving you. However, whatever you did as a child with wiping your anus or not following the directions form your doctor is in the past. You cannot change the past. It is done, but you can change the future and you can try to do different methods for helping your problem. Maybe the fissure will take a few weeks to heal, or a few months, or maybe a year (which sounds unbearable and it probably is), but you will heal if you try at it. All the anal fissure blogs on this website were made so people could share their experiences and learn form other poeple and try new things. There is a way to help your specific condition, it is just about finding the right way. I, like you, got the anal fissure myself by being constipated for about a week and not going to the bathroom at all and then put my fingers up there to try to get it out. I am with you in the self- affliction pain perspective. I got my anal fissure, and it lasted a bit of time, but I lived through, I healed, and I have the story to tell for it and I now can help other people like you going thorugh the same experience.

    That being said, I am attaching a post that I put on somebody else blog. In this post, I was recommending to the person to get the surgery, as well as other methods to try to try to ease your pain. I hope this helps you out and never give up. :

    I would definately get it done, especially if you have dealt with it for a whole year. I had a chronic fissure, and after a month, decided to have the surgery. It was the best decision of my life. I am not going to lie to you, it is a bit painful right after surgery but if you can endure the pain of a fissure, it is not that much different. I posted this before....this basicallly explains how i felt throughout the surgery and after.

    I first want to give you a lot of credit for deciding to do the surgery...It is not an easy desicion, as there are some stories online that can discourage you from getting it, but in the end in my opinion it it better. 

    So basically, this is how it went down with my surgery. I had to fast the day before the surgery because they had to put me under anesthesia. I went in, waited, and then they put me under and the surgery was done. I woke from the surgery with morphine in my system, although once I woke up it had worn off for the most part. They basically told me I could get another dose of morphine, which would basically knock me out again, or I could stay up and move to the other room to wait until I was ready to leave. So, i skipped the next dose of morphine and went to the other room. As I was laying on the bed, the pain bagan to set in. The next part may scare you a bit and discourage you, but getting through this part is just part of the process of gettting better. So when the pain started to settle in, the paiin almost flt worse then the fissure pain itself. I was not only dealing with the pain from the fissure, but from the incision and cuts that were done form the surgery itself. This being said, you have to take into consideratino that the surgery is cutting into your sphincter muscle, so pain will come, but this is with any surgery. Unfortunately, with this surgery, it is in a very sensitivie area so the pain will be a little more intense. Some things I did in the hospital to deal with the pain was put ice on my butt, I bit down on a washcloth to decrease the tension that I would put into my butt area and to transfer the tension to my jaw biting into the cloth. They did give me percoset, but honestly it didn't help me a bit. I still felt the pain until I was able to fall asleep. The lady next to me said that the percoset made her feel that the ceiling was the floor and the floor was the ceiling, so I guess it affects some people differently than others. I also will recommend listening to music right after or watching a movie to distract yourself from the pain. SO that was basically it from the hospital. I couldn't leave the hospital until I could pee though,  which was not easy since I had so many drugs in my system and could  not really push to hard as it was painful and I did not want to upset the area.

    Eventually I peed and was able to leave. Then, I took some percoset that night and slept. The next day I felt no pain, as I did not poop at all, and as with before the surgery,  the pain  only comes when  you poop. 

    So the day after that I had to go to the bathroom. The first time you go to the bathroom will be very painful, almost more painful than pooping with just the fissure because you are trying to poop through a fissure and a surgery, but that comes with  the territory. I will not hide that I felt like I was going to puke the pain was so bad WHILE pooping. I also recommend listening to music while pooping as this distracts the pain  and gives some motivation  not to be afraid. The reason on put emphasis on the WHILE is beause after the pain is very dull and nothing compared to the throbbing unimaginable  pain of an anal fissure. Within  the next two weeks, I progressively felt myself getting better, and by the 2nd week I went back to the doctor and he gave me the ok that I was all healed up.

    I never had any incontinence, although the only thing I still have is that its a bit harder to hold in my farts sometimes, but that is it....As far as the gauze, I only changed it because I would leak sometimes..I ended up just buying adult diapers at the store and used those until I stopped leaking. 

    As far as numbing injectino you asked about, the only  thing I was aware of was the anastesia I was on.

    As far as food after surgery, I just kept to a well balanced diet. I take metamucil fiber supplement every day since, and I squat on the toilet all the time now. Make sure not to take too much fiber as this can irritate the area.

    Hope this was enough information for you, and I really wish you the best of luck with  your surgery next week.....Noone should  have to go thorugh anything like this, but thank god we have means to take care of it with surgery....

    Also, this is another post i put that explains some things that you might want to try in addition to the surgery....

    I first want to say how sorry I am, and how much we al are that you have to go thorugh this. We have all been through the same type of pain, and can sympathise with your situation. A lot of the problem with an anal fissure is its not jsut a physical problem, but a mental problem as well. Thinking it is getting better and then to be in writihing pain the next day to through your hopes down the drain ruins your day and your hope of getting better. However, since we have all been there, we can probably agree that despite all of the downfalls that can occur, you will get better given time, rest, and proper treatment. 

    Here are some suggestions I have for you to help you through:

    1. Try somee zinc oxide in the form of calmoseptine which has menthol to soothe the area down there as well. Calmoseptine can be bought at almost any local drugstore and can be bought online too.

    2. Try squatting when going on the toilet instead of sitting. This is a much  helathier position and the poop sometimes will just slide out,  no pushing or straining involved.

    3. I would definately take a fiber supplement, specifically metamucil  is what I take evveryday,  in ordr to allow your stools to be soft and to allow them to pass thorugh easily. THis being said, with any fiber supplemetn, you must drink lots of water when using them, or they will not work veffectively. Also, do not take too much as too much fiber can irritate your bowels on the way  out and diarreah actually does worse down there.

    5. I would recommend getting a sphicteronomy surgery if htings dont get better. I waited it out, gave up, had the surgery, and was able to heal within about two weeks. I had a chronic fissure, so I knew where you are ocming from with v all the pain and discomfort.

    Try listening to music to distract your mind a bit, especially when going to the bathroom. If you are in writing pain, distract yourself with a movie or TV show right after. Also, to prevent myself from screaming and from putting more stress in the area down  there, i bit down on a washcloth in order to make the tensions with my teeth instead of my sphicter muscle.

    - Patrick, this situation of yours will heal, you just have to have different approaches to it. If you could do me a favor, please post back and let me know how you are doing with your condition. We all care for other people in this condition and want to make sure that you know that you have a whole support group behind you.

    Good Luck!!!

    Sincerely,

    Myles 

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    • Posted

      I didn't read your whole comment, I got offended when it got to the surgery part because that is something I can't afford and you made it sound like I can easily afford it even though it's really expensive. I found a painless way to commit suicide and if I lose my insurance before my February 12 appoitment with the specialist then yes I will commit suicide.
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  • Posted

    There is something I left out, and it actually makes my mom sound a lot worst then she really is. I do remember the doctor saying I need to take warm baths on December 16 (but I didn't remember how many in a day). The only bathtub I can use in the house had a lot of junk and is dirty, and I was worried about the position my body will be in if I try to clean it. I don't want to make new tears or be in extra pain. I ask my mom if she can clean it and she says no. She waited until January 14 to clean it.
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    • Posted

      I'm so sorry you have to deal with that Patrick....its hard to deal with the fissure even with help from other people but i cannot even imagine the stress and pain you must have dealt with going through it essentially on your own....I'm sorry I mentioned the surgery in a manner like I did.......I didn't mean to offend you and I totally understand where you are coming from......it's hard for me to even fathom that someone like you has a condition that's treatable and because of financial reasons can't pay for the surgery.......if you want to take a look at the rest of my post I would because I have some good tips in it of what you can do until your appointment......besides that if for financial reasons you feel that paying for the surgery and causing you to be in debt would cause you more stress than I can agree with your decision.....you are your own person and in the need will be the one to deal with the consequences of dealing with the surgery.....it just hurts me to see you wanting to kill yourself over something that is treatable but for financial reasons you can't......nonetheless, I get where you are coming from and hope the best for you.........please read my post before though as some of my advice might help you until your appointment.

      Best,

      Myles

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    • Posted

      I didn't know you put tips on how to make it less painful until February 12. I'll look at it again soon. Since you openly made it clear you had an anal fissure before, have you ever had a doctor tell you to put a tuck in your butt? 
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    • Posted

      I have not although my dad has told me....Tucks are mostly used for hemmorids though. In my opinion, tucks might actually cause more pain for you if you only have an anal fissure as it shrinks the tissue. 

      I would maybe try calmoseptine ointment....Its main product is zinc oxide and has menthol in it which allows a very soothing effect. Although, I will tell you sometimes when I applied it to my anus, it did end up hurting me a bit but sometimes it felt good too. Dont put it inside of your butt though, only on the exterior of your anus.

      I also might try some lidocaine ointment which might help to numb the area down there. You can probably get that form your doctor.

      Let me know if you have any more questions. I'll be happy to answer any.

      Sincerely,

      Myles

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  • Posted

    Patrick,

    Anal fissures are very painfull And take time to heal. I am On week 16 And i am still healing. It took nearly 13 weeks to get the pain to a tolerable state. I have done so with out surgical intervention.

    You will need to eat right:

    No bread

    No milk productos

    No meat

    No rice

    No spicy food

    No fried food

    No acidic food

    Yes:

    Water---LOTS 3 literas or more/day

    Fruit

    Veggies

    Nuts ( nothing with sharp Edges)

    Soups

    Stool softners

    Prunes (i eat 5-8/day after

    You will need to find the right balance for yourself. The key to healing is eating food that will neither constipate you or cause lose stools.

    Everyone on this blog has experienced what you are presenlty going through. The physical pain, the mental anguish, the exhausting effects of the fissure anal pain that lasts for

    Forget the Tucks!

    Sitzs baths- as Many as needed

    Warm pads On you butt

    Avoid opiate pain killers because the constipate.

    Read other people's notes, they will help you. I'll keep checking to see how you are doing. Remember, it is painfull, I lost 40 lbs. I have a Beverly Hills surgeon, but She is helping me to heal On my own to avoid surgery. I would need a fissurectomy And sphincterectomy if i don't heal, so tells you how bad my condition is; yet, I am healing on my own. Yes there is pain, but you can get better. So don't lose hope if you lose your insurance.

    My prayers are with you.

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