I hate myself and I want to die to quote Kurt Cobain
Posted , 7 users are following.
To be honest I could write a a series of book about my many issues, dysfunctional family relationships and substance misuse. I think it better to start slow, lately I've been thinking more about my life as a whole from birth untill now and the meant injustices I've been force to swallow.
Growing up I'd always felt like the out cast of my family, being the only boy in a house full of women with my younger sister having been diagnosed with ADHD and medicated along side myself. Took any positive attention off if me and onto her, while my older sister was very academic and wanting to thrive at school to win the favour and acceptance of our mother. I would constantly be bombarded by critism, ridicule, and physical and mental abuse by both mother and step father all the while having my abuser control to a large extent the dosage and type of medication which would supposedly help my symptoms of ADHD.
I really f*****g hate thinking about these things from my past, I wish I could just get over them and move on . It just doesn't seem that simple anymore as I've struggled with substance misuse and lack of any parental support throughout my life I'd ended up. Overdosing on three type of drugs during different points of extreme depression and down regulation of seratoin. The first was when I was living with my father who had abandoned partial custody of myself and sister which he used to mean a great deal to me. I'd returned into his life while being homeless from my then grandparents house which my mother moved into when I was fourteen I didn't like it. I felt so unthought of sharing a room with my 40year old uncle who was a chronic smoker and ADHD, childhood traumatic, and smoking and lack of privacy don't mix well trust me.
I had so much anger after leaving school at sixteen and soon after leaving home to then become homeless . Returning to my original point I'd overdosed on medically prescribed antidepressants, then while living in a homeless shelter I was given treatment for adhd and overdosed again on ritalin with the intention to end everything
Obviously it didn't work and only succeeded in extending my suffering and furthering my dysfunctional ADHD mind. The last time was about a year ago I got some sleeping medication and over dosed on that everything went black and I woke up with a sore head.
Having been clean of cigarettes for the past two years and avoiding cannibis which had a hold of me which my mother helped supply. I have been eating eprobably the most nutrient dense food and usingsupplements which are meant to help heal the brain and help those with ADHD. I still have extreme brain fog and I'm not the person I once was. I don't know if I'll every fully recover, this is such a tragic idea to consider because if I had know ten years ago what I know now. I may have saved myself a lot of suffering.
I don't know what to make of my life when. I try to rationalize it. I end up with lots of conflicting views in my heart that it not my fault I'd turned to drugs I was never fully supported then another thought pops up to contradict that..
I don't know, would I be better of dead?
1 like, 15 replies
gr8fulwoman dean53572
Posted
What I know is this- you are made of strong stuff, to have walked through all of your family disfunction and non-support and your drug addiction. All alone you have instituted changes that make you a better and healthier person, today. That is your messsage to this hurting world, can you see that? Your MESS has become your MESSAGE. And if that is not the greatest reason for living...so you can share your story and inspire others not to give up...I don't know what is.
You can't forget your past. But each day you can make that hard choice not to focus on it. To look ahead and not behind.
You matter.
dean53572 gr8fulwoman
Posted
Thank you, that's helped inspire me quite a lot. I just don't know how to let go of the anger I feel at those who have hurt me and indirectly created an environment for self destructive behaviours..
Saying that's your response is highly appreciated. Thank you x
Guest dean53572
Posted
It's ok and very normal to feel anger, especially in your case. It also might last, last long. Meaning your anger will have to move you forward in a way, in creating a better self, healthy environment, healthy self one day. And anytime you feel the anger, express it, be present with it, know it, feel it, give it space and freedom to express itself, express yourself. Leave if you feel you would, just turn to you, live for yourself, it's maybe time to live for yourself.
yeah sorry i wrote so much
some things might have been bit subjective, but i (sympathize) empathize with you thats why
good luck
gr8fulwoman dean53572
Posted
I understand your anger. Here's what I have learned from mine: to feel angry at someone else and then take it out on ourselves (I have my own addictions) is insane. When we get angry is the time we should be EXTRA kind to ourselves and not sabatage ourselves with bad bahavior. We have already been mistreated. Why heap more upon ourselves.
dean53572 gr8fulwoman
Posted
I appreciate your understanding, I'll definitely try and be more kind to myself and by extension those around me. You sound like a very wise woman.
carrie10614 dean53572
Posted
Hurting your self isn't the answer. You need to get help. I hope this doesn't upset you but do you know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and savior? Jesus Christ can help you. Jesus died on the cross for your sins.
Guest dean53572
Posted
Hello Dean, I feel for you. Be brave, there's a reason why you are still alive. I have been taught that ADHD appears when you are somewhat talented about things you are not allowed to focus on, rather forced to be something you are not, focus on something that doesn't attract attention to you. However it is, be brave, noone knows how much you will recover, but you will, learn a lot, and your heart is never sick, heart is always healthy and ready to move on. Try to get away from toxic ppl and focus on healing the mind and body, head and rest. You are a free spirit, still a free spirit, no matter the circonstances. Maybe your mind is not ready to rationalize clearly. Heal, just heal from all this past trauma, step by step you will know what to do next, i hope. I agree with gr8fulwoman too, and wish you lots of strength and faith. You are not just your mind. You are beyond your past and experiences.
Hugs
dean53572 Guest
Posted
I can see what your meaning, I've always felt like I needed to bend to someone else's way of thinking. I may have done a lot of things wrongs as a child, but I was never noticed from my spirit, creativity, or enthusiasm. I was always remained how bad I was by my mother and step father, when the abuse became more and more extreme. I would say it blinded then to ever seeing any goodness in myself because if they where to admit I was good. Then it would have contradicted their behaviour towards me, even to this day my mother shows no shame about how she managed with manipulation, fear, and violence. Which only made me become defensive and defiant back. Which perpetuated the circle, medication only complicated matters and there are alternatives to ritalin or added herbal remedies I've read about which may have taken the edge off. But no one in my family have ever read an article took any interest in learning what my condition is and how they may have managed to help me. Which to my mind is just disgraceful.
As much as I'd like to say its part of my story and I can pass on these experiences. In the back of my mind I'm filled with jealously of those who have not been through what I have.
These messages really do help in getting these emotions off my chest, and learning from others what they have done.
Guest dean53572
Posted
greetings
stephie2 dean53572
Posted
It sounds like you have had an incredibly tough start in life. I can relate to that. Where you go from here though and what you make of your life is now up to you...
I am a great believer in the saying you can take your past into the future and let it destroy you or you can file it away as the past and live your future the way you decide.
The main thing now is to focus on the future. Get some help in getting a place to stay sorted out and if you are struggling with the past then arrange to see someone that can help you with talking therapies and possibly medication. The hard part now will be getting on track but once you have done that you can focus on one day at a time and getting through it and starting to create a future.
Remember you are not alone. Lots of people have been where you are and some even worse too. Stay strong and try to focus on the future and the good life that you could lead. If you want something better in life, change it
gr8fulwoman dean53572
Posted
How are you feeling this week, Dean.... any better than when you initially posted three days ago?
deb42707 dean53572
Posted
Hello Dean,
With the kind of insight, wisdom, honesty and an ability to articulate your issues, it is obvious you are an intelligent young man who has really been dealt an unfair hand.
To answer your question ... with what I read in your description of your issues, the answer is unequivocally LIFE. You deserve life, love and all the positive things that it brings. That being said, it all sounds so puppies and rainbows, when in actuality, it is a tough journey to embark on, but you obviously have the strength and tenacity to make that trek.
I am so sorry you are suffering so, but the mere fact that you joined a discussion like this says volumes about you. It is very brave to admit when you have mental health issues and thoughts others seemingly don't have, but you did that. That is a starting point, and the people that are on this site are above none
They are kind, helpful, but above all, supportive.
Please Dean, hang on, there are many others out there in your situation or similar...let them support and help you.
Childhood traumas are not your fault, you have been the victim of those atrocities. Sadly, you have to live with those unpleasant memories, but there is hope in treatment and I know you have the strength to pursue an answer and finally get situated on the right medication or support group.
NEVER NEVER NEVER give up, there will be a brighter day, it will just take a bit to get there.
Deb from Canada
xo
deb42707 dean53572
Posted
Have been wondering how you are doing? As you can see by the responses to your story, there are a lot of lovely, caring people that are on this site. I hope one of us is able to offer you the support that will have a positive impact.
Take good care of yourself, we all care.
Deb from Canada
xo
gary52588 dean53572
Posted
Hello Dean
I just want to add my thoughts towards you, and that I hope you find something positive to help you. Goodwill towards you and I hope you get better. I can understand your situation, and just remember lots of people are thinking of you on this site, and wish you well. If I can offer any advice that might help, I say pray and also look at nutrition and exercise. Think about being a vegan, you will help yourself, the planet and animals too! It's made me feel better!