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To be honest I could write a a series of book about my many issues, dysfunctional family relationships and substance misuse. I think it better to start slow, lately I've been thinking more about my life as a whole from birth untill now and the meant injustices I've been force to swallow.
Growing up I'd always felt like the out cast of my family, being the only boy in a house full of women with my younger sister having been diagnosed with ADHD and medicated along side myself. Took any positive attention off if me and onto her, while my older sister was very academic and wanting to thrive at school to win the favour and acceptance of our mother. I would constantly be bombarded by critism, ridicule, and physical and mental abuse by both mother and step father all the while having my abuser control to a large extent the dosage and type of medication which would supposedly help my symptoms of ADHD.
I really f*****g hate thinking about these things from my past, I wish I could just get over them and move on . It just doesn't seem that simple anymore as I've struggled with substance misuse and lack of any parental support throughout my life I'd ended up. Overdosing on three type of drugs during different points of extreme depression and down regulation of seratoin. The first was when I was living with my father who had abandoned partial custody of myself and sister which he used to mean a great deal to me. I'd returned into his life while being homeless from my then grandparents house which my mother moved into when I was fourteen I didn't like it. I felt so unthought of sharing a room with my 40year old uncle who was a chronic smoker and ADHD, childhood traumatic, and smoking and lack of privacy don't mix well trust me.
I had so much anger after leaving school at sixteen and soon after leaving home to then become homeless . Returning to my original point I'd overdosed on medically prescribed antidepressants, then while living in a homeless shelter I was given treatment for adhd and overdosed again on ritalin with the intention to end everything
Obviously it didn't work and only succeeded in extending my suffering and furthering my dysfunctional ADHD mind. The last time was about a year ago I got some sleeping medication and over dosed on that everything went black and I woke up with a sore head.
Having been clean of cigarettes for the past two years and avoiding cannibis which had a hold of me which my mother helped supply. I have been eating eprobably the most nutrient dense food and usingsupplements which are meant to help heal the brain and help those with ADHD. I still have extreme brain fog and I'm not the person I once was. I don't know if I'll every fully recover, this is such a tragic idea to consider because if I had know ten years ago what I know now. I may have saved myself a lot of suffering.
I don't know what to make of my life when. I try to rationalize it. I end up with lots of conflicting views in my heart that it not my fault I'd turned to drugs I was never fully supported then another thought pops up to contradict that..
I don't know, would I be better of dead?
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