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So, for the past year I have come to realize everyone in my life has always told me Im wrong, or how terrible I am of a person.
However I have always done 100% good, minus accidents or mistakes. I always do my best to respect every human equally, treat everyone right. Yet I am always doing wrong, a bad person, and everyone generally talks about how terrible I am.
I cant get over it because I know I ak not that terrible. I can understand the positions these people are in, but more often than not there is no real reason behind their sudden decision to dislike me.
I have heard things like I have changed, and really the only part of me thats changed is my motivation to keep fighting the feeling of pain that comes when I know I am a good person.
I have never had a suicidal thought, but using words to describe;
I would rather die than feel like this for the rest of life. I am 21 and have always had this down feeling of being different because of how people treat me different everywhere in my life since I was 15 and had my first heartbreak.
I dealt with it better than any other occasion of pain, but it hurt more than anything to and still does to this day.
However my second relationship at 16 turned into a bunch of lies, and cheating of which I started to express myself in anger. Punching walls and breaking things.
Come 17-18 I grew out of that action because I broke my hand on a metal pole (lol).
Since I was 19, I have done a lot of correcting towards my immature thinking and actions. I cannot stand being the one in the wrong with overeactions or mistreating someone mistakenly.
It was then that I realized how often anyone I met, people in my life, people in my past, mistreated me or called me names, pointed fingers or blame, or started assuming situations I am in are because of I thought one thing, but really I actually avoided that idea of thinking to begin with.
I have been constantly hammered with the pain of people calling me a pos, reminding me of how terrible I am. Even though I know 100% it is not true.
I am now 21 as I stated earlier, and have tried so hard to overcome, tried different methods or ideas to get around this pain that I have always called a plague or curse since I was 16.
Only now I believe it true because reality of life has proved it.
I can go to work, can overcome my social anxieties I feel, can overcome the worries of what people are thinking of me. But i cannot get over the people who think negative, and if one thing sets me off the whole day is ruined and everyone I see looking at me is thinking negative now. Even if I know that is not true.
I use to think I was depressed because I missed my first love. Thought maybe its because I still talk to her on occassions although those are the only times I genuinely feel the way I try feeling everyday for happiness.
Then I thought it was anxiety. And realized I just have some social anxieties and fears of not accomplishing anything with myself or being a good person.
Now I lack motivation because why try if the pain never stops. I cant keep trying to hard if nothing is ever right.
I know its not that Im heartbroken because I can honestly say I have grown past that, but I havent felt truly happy with life either.
With all these problems and one simple pain, ruining everything.
Only one thing being able to make me feel alive again even though Ive moved on pass her.
Another major problem is I feel stuck in a life that makes me miserable and I cant decide between depression, anxiety, split personality, or generally im just an a**hole.
Heres my question: Am I going crazy or is life just f'n stupid?!!!
I have gotten in trouble making remarks like this before, so let me clarify... I will not kill or harm myself.
I could see myself sitting and never moving, eating, speaking, feeling, or caring again.
I have considered disappearing to tue woods and survive by my miserable lonesome self.
I am here today because I realize I had this one question. Because i have a girlfriend who makes me more miserable than anyone I have met, but also the only one who makes me feel solid and grounded. Plus i have my first child with her and need to figure out wtf is wrong with me and my life decisions for his sake...
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