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I have a question, a story, and honestly its getting horrid.

Posted , 4 users are following.

Reaverist
Reaverist

So, for the past year I have come to realize everyone in my life has always told me Im wrong, or how terrible I am of a person.

However I have always done 100% good, minus accidents or mistakes. I always do my best to respect every human equally, treat everyone right. Yet I am always doing wrong, a bad person, and everyone generally talks about how terrible I am.

I cant get over it because I know I ak not that terrible. I can understand the positions these people are in, but more often than not there is no real reason behind their sudden decision to dislike me.

I have heard things like I have changed, and really the only part of me thats changed is my motivation to keep fighting the feeling of pain that comes when I know I am a good person.

I have never had a suicidal thought, but using words to describe;

I would rather die than feel like this for the rest of life. I am 21 and have always had this down feeling of being different because of how people treat me different everywhere in my life since I was 15 and had my first heartbreak.

I dealt with it better than any other occasion of pain, but it hurt more than anything to and still does to this day.

However my second relationship at 16 turned into a bunch of lies, and cheating of which I started to express myself in anger. Punching walls and breaking things.

Come 17-18 I grew out of that action because I broke my hand on a metal pole (lol).

Since I was 19, I have done a lot of correcting towards my immature thinking and actions. I cannot stand being the one in the wrong with overeactions or mistreating someone mistakenly.

It was then that I realized how often anyone I met, people in my life, people in my past, mistreated me or called me names, pointed fingers or blame, or started assuming situations I am in are because of I thought one thing, but really I actually avoided that idea of thinking to begin with.

I have been constantly hammered with the pain of people calling me a pos, reminding me of how terrible I am. Even though I know 100% it is not true.

I am now 21 as I stated earlier, and have tried so hard to overcome, tried different methods or ideas to get around this pain that I have always called a plague or curse since I was 16.

Only now I believe it true because reality of life has proved it.

I can go to work, can overcome my social anxieties I feel, can overcome the worries of what people are thinking of me. But i cannot get over the people who think negative, and if one thing sets me off the whole day is ruined and everyone I see looking at me is thinking negative now. Even if I know that is not true.

I use to think I was depressed because I missed my first love. Thought maybe its because I still talk to her on occassions although those are the only times I genuinely feel the way I try feeling everyday for happiness.

Then I thought it was anxiety. And realized I just have some social anxieties and fears of not accomplishing anything with myself or being a good person.

Now I lack motivation because why try if the pain never stops. I cant keep trying to hard if nothing is ever right.

I know its not that Im heartbroken because I can honestly say I have grown past that, but I havent felt truly happy with life either.

With all these problems and one simple pain, ruining everything.

Only one thing being able to make me feel alive again even though Ive moved on pass her.

Another major problem is I feel stuck in a life that makes me miserable and I cant decide between depression, anxiety, split personality, or generally im just an a**hole.

Heres my question: Am I going crazy or is life just f'n stupid?!!!

I have gotten in trouble making remarks like this before, so let me clarify... I will not kill or harm myself.

I could see myself sitting and never moving, eating, speaking, feeling, or caring again.

I have considered disappearing to tue woods and survive by my miserable lonesome self.

I am here today because I realize I had this one question. Because i have a girlfriend who makes me more miserable than anyone I have met, but also the only one who makes me feel solid and grounded. Plus i have my first child with her and need to figure out wtf is wrong with me and my life decisions for his sake...

1 like, 4 replies

4 Replies

  • tess33005
    tess33005 Reaverist

    Posted

    You know perfectly well what is wrong with you. Have you stopped taking your medication for some reason recently?

    How can a girlfriend who makes you more miserable than anyone you've ever met also be the only one who makes you feel solid and grounded?

    Your own life decisions will certainly have an effect on your son.

    Your whole post fills me with anxiety and fear -what are you going to do next?

    Please go back to your psychiatrist and get back on your medication - for the child's sake.

  • Shelly0069
    Shelly0069 Reaverist

    Posted

    Hey,

    WHY are you posting?

    have you stopped your medication? Are they not working?

    Go and see ur GP ASAP please, and let them know how ur feeling?

    ur poor girlfriend oh please if she makes you so unhappy and miserable then walk away.......

    Ur child doesn't need this negativity off u. 

    Go and see ur GP talk to your girlfiend too you carnt have a relationship with someone who makes you so unhappy.....

    ........

  • richard89308
    richard89308 Reaverist

    Posted

    you are young and maybe just made the wrong girl friend choices from 16 onwards. We all make mistakes and should learn from them.  Try and be patient before choosing the next one and remember we all have our flaws.
  • Digsby
    Digsby Reaverist

    Posted

    Hi mate,

    It sounds as if you are really wrestling with some big issues in your life, but your self-analysis shows maturity and honesty which are really good qualities to have. Basically, my 48 years have taught me that dealing with other people (trying to second-guess their motives and communicate properly) is a real challenge. From the time we are babies, we are building up a view of the world which involves interacting with other people and manipulating them to get what we want and need - this becomes a fine art for some people! Communication becomes fraught with difficulty because their is so much (conscious and unconscious) that is going on beneath the surface. My girl-friend and best friend also drives me mad with her lack of understanding but I am able to share with her things that I can't share with anyone else. It can be very frustrating! Please stop trying to please other people and don't obsess about what they may or may not be thinking. If they have a negative influence on your life, try to minimise the contact you have with them. Try to keep positive people in your life, and be a positive influence to other people. Some counselling may help you. Well done for dealing with your anger issues - it sounds as if you have come a long way and dealt with the pain in your past. Keep looking forward and being positive. A therapist might be able to help you with this. Good luck :-)

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