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I have almost ruined my life with no good reason and not even 16

Posted , 3 users are following.

Idont
Idont

Well, hello. My story is nothing interesting or dramatic, but after more than a year of my problems getting bigger I finally made myself write it in a forum. I don't know what I expect, it's not like I don't know that I just have to "try harder" or "give yourself another chance" or something..I know this sounds stupid and weak and frankly that is all I am, even being too soft in that definition. Since I was a kid the same story has been repeating over and over WHEREVER I go, so I think I must have some sort of a real problem, right? First of all-kindergarden, I was 5 at the time, I remember just being there, i didn't talk to anybody and I mean anybody, but didn't really have much anxious thoughts, so i just don't think shyness is my problem. I have an older sister, 4 years older, who, since I was a kid has been there for me. When I couldn't do something, which was like, always always, my parents would say to her to do it for me and she would. I stayed only for a couple of months in my firsth kindergarden, when I was five and something we moved to another village, where my grandparents lived, due to money problems. The weird thing is that I have never had a longer conversation with ANYONE more than just "hi" and "I am fine and my family is fine" and that in a super akward way, since I guess I lack a lot of practise with talking (and not just but with everything)..I know this also must sound super mixed and maybe even unlogical, the truth is that I have problems with thinking, thich i think is my main problem but i am not sure. Then I went to another kindergarden. Seldomly talked to anyone. I remember only a couple of times I talked to somebody during the year.I also had problems when I wanted to drink water because I just felt paralised, not able to go to the teacher and tell them. Later I had problems AND STILL HAVE with buying food..And later with eating it, I just feel so akward and when my turn comes I always rehearse a couple of times what I have to say, it is so in school and when I am out and talking.  I read that the first years of socialising a very important, something i have missed for some reason which really bugs me. The teachers used to say how good and quiet I was, the only person who was in the group. I just felt different and disconnected. But the thing is...I just didn't know what to say. I just...It's weird..I didn't (and still don't) talk much to my mother or parents or family, i never did, only to my sister and that is because i simply have nothing to say and withdrawn. This is the pattern. I have nothing to say because I don't do anything or i don't know and then withdrawn and because i don't know how to get back to that relationship, things get very cold and akward and just don't know what to do. Sometimes, when i know what to talk about things get better and i generally feel better about myself, but now i have awful short term memory and generally feel stupid, so right now i really don't feel like studying or even reading and trying to understand the news. I also felt kinda disconnected from school and I generally didn't study much, just when I have tests my mother would help me to study so i would get a good mark. Otherwise, i very very seldomly actually talked in class. Mainly because I had no idea what to say, nothing would come to mind. I would daydream about stupid and useless things a lot. So, i don't really know why but i am pretty much the same now. I don't like to study, i don't have the motivation, and currently I have no friends. None. My last friend, who was very very nice and smart and kind, he lives far away from me so we don't see each other and I kinda felt like the first time i met him i was very happy and exsited and it's like i have be generally smart and happy around him, so that continued for a year or so but he mentioned talking on the skype so i just cut him off. I talk pretty slowly, because i think slowly, and i have no confidence as to talk to my pears like him. If he hears me or sees me (I have bad acne problems and am out of shape) I would feel awful because he would see what i really am and i don't want that..I know this sounds stupid, i know i am stupid, i know probably no one would like to help me, because i never learn and just am an awful person. I also never knew how to buy myself the right clothes, never figured that out i guess lol, so i always look bad in something that doesn't fit me. I just feel like I have no life experience which is true, and that I am too scared to try and be like the other people, because of all those skills I lack.And yes, yes, I guess just someone needs to come and tell me to get my sh*t together and how weak I am and I know he would be right. I just don't know how to do it and I feel too unskilled.. My sister would do everything for me, so I didn't really pracise or she did everything because I couldn't or i don't know...I feel I don't know how to talk to anyone, how to hold a simple conversation going and how to do simple day-to-day tasks. There are some other things, like we moved half a year to Germany, I study the language, but only in school and while everyone is talking so I can't concentrate and because of my communication problems i don't practise the language so i cant really speak it. So, currently I am in a country where I am already supposed to know the language a bit well, but I don't and am ashamed to talk because of my voice and lack of knowledge and have no friends. I've been thinking from about half a year now about suicide, but I don't think i am depressed, because I don't have a lot of the sympthoms. Like, generally I have motivation to have fun, like to watch videous online, which i have always done, so it means i haven't lost interest in things i have enjoyed, right? Currently I don't feel like talking to anyone, maybe due to confidence problems and some false beliefs I don't know how to let go of. I think I am not depressed also because I have no sleep problems. I do have concentration problems, but that is because I am stupid and generally my mind is untrained. (Here I thought a lot that I can have ADD or even mild autism or mind intellectual disability, because those affect the way you adapt to situations, right? But I really don't know, and my mother doesn't want me to go to a psychologist , she is afraid they will take me and because of some other issues we had, my sister had a deep depression and is addicted to her medicine now..) and I really don't know what to do, though I feel like going and talking to somebody trained will really help me, my mother won't do it, so I feel stuck. I am helpless and hopeless but maybe not as to be considered of having depression. What I think is that I have is being a spoiled child who never learned to adapt because was way too stupid. Now when I look at anyone I can see how good they are doing, how active they are and how much they are talking and know, even if they don't realise it and I feel bad. I just want to jump and end it, I have tried self harm a couple of times, nothing serious, but i feel sometimes attracted to it and other times I feel a bit discussed but I still have some hope about the future, like, naive hope, i guess. Or i don't know. I hate when my mother comes and says I am just wasting my time, when in fact I am trying to do different stuff, just I feel tired and give up a lot. Now, I don't know what to do, if anyone knows what I have, please write down below, anything can be helpful, and I don't have other people to discuss with, my mother said "If you want to change it, start changing it" and I am, damn it, just I am very slow and give up a lot and have negative thinking patterns which really bug me. My past bugs me, my present and possible awful future bug me too. I just feel I need more help than just "trying" to make it better. Anyone have an opinion? Please share...

0 likes, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • xarjia
    xarjia Idont

    Posted

    Hey. How old are you? You may be shy but you write well and you can express your feelings adequately . Some people have better interpersonal skills than others and other people are better writers . There is nothing wrong in being shy. I'm sure you have plenty of time to meet people. Maybe if you have an opportunity then try and say hello and have a conversation with someone you come across In your day.
    • xarjia
      xarjia

      Posted

      Sorry. I've just seen your title. You are 15?
    • Idont
      Idont xarjia

      Posted

      I don't think I am shy,but just lacking general knowledge about everything, so I don't participate..And yes, I usually say hello to people, but then I don't have what to tell them, my life is not interesting, though I am ok with it. It's like you need to be interesting to have friends and you also need friends to be interesting... I haven't shared everything in the post, but there is also the thing that I feel disconected and not close to anyone usually, so I also feel like I will just withdraw from anyone.I don't know exactly why, it just happens. Maybe it happens because of my total lack of relationships, even with my parents or a pet. I will give an example here, with my best friend, I call her that, she is a cool person, we see each other usually every year at one camp for a week, because she lives far away, though now since I live in Germany, I don't know if we will see each other this year..So with her we were talking and laughing and everything, but my life just generally feels so empty, I feel weird and disconnected from everyone because i don't share the same experiences as they do, like talking to your grandmother about the dress that your friend bought or sth like that (sorry this may again be illogical, I can hardly think) and I remember just looking at her and thinking "I don't really care about you" and that even I could stab her at that moment without caring that much, but of course, this may just be me wanting to sound cool or something, who knows. And also looking at my mom and thinking that. My sister was about to die a month ago in a hospital and I didn't care. I am not kidding, I have no idea why..I guess it's like you cultivate feelings in relationships or..? Yeah, sorry to brag about my stupid life, I'm sure you have better things to do, so you don't have to reply. 
  • linda66990
    linda66990 Idont

    Posted

    I'm sorry your Mom isn't more understanding in regards to finding a professional to talk to.  Can you talk to a teacher or a counselor at school.  It's hard to deal with all this on your own.  I don't think you are stupid at all or incapable of learning.  Your personal assessment is too hard. Try to be in the present. Look for things to be grateful for: roof over your head, good food to eat, the beauty in nature (flowers, sunsets, mountains), the unconditional love of a pet. Volunteer somewhere, help a neighbor.  Write a letter to your Mom explaining how you feel and that you are thinking of hurting yourself and ask her to find a counselor for you. She will not want you to hurt yourself.  Give her this chance.
    • Idont
      Idont linda66990

      Posted

      I don't think I will ever get better at the moment. It's just this and some other things that are always repeating themselves...I don't know if I am incapable of learning, but I have always had problems with concentration and connection with others..You see, I feel like I've missed too many things from life already and that because I have missed them, just continue to miss on other things..It's just I don't have the experience and those vital life skills that people learn when they talk and are with others, I guess. It's just weird how no one paid attention to me and how my mom just thinks it's not that big to go to a psychologist..and about a letter..she knows that I want to kill myself, but she just acts like it is not such a big deal and it will pass. Well, she has told me to be more positive and that what I think is true is actually not true (about myself) but I just don't believe her. I haven't told her that I have cut myself, because I am afraid she will tell my father also, who is strict about things and will make everything worse. She won't find me a councelor, because we are in a different country and she is afraid that if we enter all this system of psychologists etc. it will never end and it will get worse. I don't know, Linda..I will try to be grateful about things and maybe it will help. My mother wouldn't like it if I did something like talking to a teacher at school about this, because as i mentioned, she believes that they will take me away from this family, since in Germany they have done this before to other people. I don't know what to do..Maybe I will talk to my mother about it again. Thanks for the effort.
    • linda66990
      linda66990 Idont

      Posted

      I can see how your parents affect your ability to talk to a counselor. I had difficult, no impossible parents.

      I have several other suggestions.  How about journaling, it's a good way to get your feelings out in a private way. The other thought I had was self help books. They have been very helpful to me. Also, meditating is excellent.  There are cd's online that can talk you through it.  

      I have experienced similiar thoughts as yours and I know it can get better.  Best wishes to you.

    • Idont
      Idont linda66990

      Posted

      Thank you, I will try out the journaling and try to keep more positive about the future since people do change. It's like I have two people in me, and very very rarely I switch to the other, more positive person, I guess I have to learn how to make the switch. Thank you for the advice! 
  • emma85169
    emma85169 Idont

    Posted

    Hi, Sorry for asking, but how old are you? 15? 16? Just keep calm, be more self-confident and everything will be okay and remember problems are in our heads
    • Idont
      Idont emma85169

      Posted

      I am fifteen currently, and yes, self-confidence is a problem, but if you lack it, you can't just make yourself be confident if you believe you don't have certain skills..I guess everything can be learned with time and practise, so this is what can make me feel more positive..Otherwise, thanks smile
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