I have been Struggling to feel normal all my life

I am 36 years old and have strugled with anxiety, depression, obbssesion compulsiveness, chronic pain and lack of motivation to do the simplist things and binge eating all my life. I have been trying for the past several years to get help and find the proper medication but i feel hopless. My doctor has tried me on cipralex welbutrin and cymbalta but they dont seem to do anything i also am on ativan and clonazapam for anxitry attacks but i hate taking those cause they make me tired and my head feel foggy. I gained alot of weight on welbutrin and almost anything i take makes no almost non esistant sex drive completly no exsistant. I want to be able to do things but i just wind up needing to sit and overthink everything i try to force my self to get up and do thigs even things i think will make me happy but i get get so exhausted and go right back to sitting and thinking about it rather than doing which makes me feel like i cant acomplish anything and i feel more depressed. I dont like to socilaze because i feel like i am being judged and or will say something stupid and most of the time like when trying to do things as well with tryig to socialise i get no enjoyment and i am just stuck with thoughts in my head and go through the motions of doing things but i completly detached from the world around me. All i do is over think and worry. I walk through life faking interest and fake smiling and faking enjoymemt to others around me becaise its easier then trying to explain how or i just kind of feel dead inside to everythig except for the things i worry and obsess about . My doctor put me on prednisone for 2 weeks after my blood work came back with positive auto immune results and i felt alot better for those two weeks but i was told side effects outweighed taking that drug. I found a clinic doctor who perscribed me dexadrine which i also took for a few weeks and have never felt better in my entire life i was happy i was socialising with people because i wanted to i wasnt obessing over every little thing i still worroed but it seemed to be more of a background noise while i was doing things. I was able to go to the store to get tioltte paper and use a different pump at the gas station my sex drive was there i didnt feel uncomforatable being out of my house it didnt justt sit in front of the television watchig the same shows over amd over while playing tedious mind numbimg games on my phone so i could just over think the things i wanted to while wishing i could just get up amd do them. My doctor told me that the goverment doesnt approve those types of drugs unless you have been diagnosed with adhd as a child amd they are as bad for me as herion and she will get in trouble and wont perscribe them.for me and put me on prozac and back on ativan and clonazapam and t3s for the pain and tecta amd dicetel for the stomaxh problems i get from taking all those pills which is confusing amd infuriating to me because the dexetrine has been the only thing in my life that has made me feel what i think normal.people feel like. I stoped shaking i stopped drinking my energy drinks to try and deal with the physical exhaustion as a result from the mental strain. My pain killers were down by 3 quarters and i stopped needing the stomach pills. But yet i am not allowed to take these pills that helped because they are not safe? I feel like i have lost all hope in ever feeling better .and now more then i have ever felt in my life i know want to get better because i had a chance to feel what that was like and im being told that taking the dexidrine eould be no different than being a drug addict on the streets. No i wonder how many drug addicts there are out there are addicted to street drugs because they couldnt find something to make them feel better or normal in the dorst place from the medical systym.

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