I have just done something I should have done about a ye...

Posted , 10 users are following.

I have just done something I should have done about a year ago. I have finally kicked my 17 year old son out of the family home. I have had enough of his house & car wrecking, of having to replace or repair items. And the cause of this behaviour - 2 years of smoking CANNABIS.

He does not work or go to college. He has no ambition and thinks the world owes him a living. He refuses to believe that he is ever wrong about anything, and that all the problems he has are of my making. His favourite excuse is that I was never at home for him (I have worked full time since he was 9 months old and have brought him up on my own since he was 2 years old).

If this can help just one other parent, then this will not be in vain. Please don't make the same mistakes I have made. If your child's behaviour changes suddenly, don't just put it down to being a teenager - there could be another cause. If your child sells their belongings, 'because I don't use/need it any more' when you know they still utilise the item, please think 'Why are they doing this?'

My son was a happy 15 year old, looking forward to the rest of his life, wanting to become a fighter pilot or mechanic. He is now an unhappy 17 year old with no belongings apart from his clothes, a criminal record and, at present, no future that I can see.

I have thrown him out after he damaged my car because I wouldn't give him money the second he wanted it, as I have stupidly done in the past. I can now (belatedly) see that I should have stopped funding him months ago and forced him to stand on his own two feet. I just hope it is not too late.

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  • Posted

    I know exactly what you and your son are going through. I have smoked canabis for 17 years and started at 13. It really affects my personality and made me really agressive, moody and depressed. It is atrange really, i love my mum and dad more than anything but when i am smoking canabis i can't handle conversations with them and tend to be ratty for no reason. It's a horrible feeling but i can't help it and i always feel so guilty about it afterwards which make me derpressed and smoke more. It's a viscious circle really and it's like being ill. I struggle to concentrate and find it imposible to sleep and even harder to motivate myself to go to work. I know what i need to do but it is really hard. I want to stop and know i will. i am 30 and i believe that most people that smoke or use drugs have to get worse to the point that they themselves cannot stand it anymore before they want to stop. This is where i am at now. If your son is not ready yet then maybe you have done the best thing in kicking him out. He will hopefully realise that this problem will rule him like it has me and so many other people and decide that enough is enough.

    I hope that everything sorts itself for you both.

    Nick

    [i:e91d798bce]This message was automatically imported from the original Patient Experience[/i:e91d798bce]

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  • Posted

    Hi, I have just read your comments and think you are very brave, it must have been a hard thing to do, I sympathise with you. My son is 20, and I have found out that he has been using cannabis for a couple of years, and lately his use has exculated. He also admitted he has had ecstacy, although luckily it made him quite ill, so he is frightened off taking anymore.. I feel such a failure. My other child has never touched drugs, and they have both had a very stable upbringing. I stayed at home to bring the kids up, and only now work part time so that I am there for my husband and children. Where did I go so wrong. I too have toyed with throwing my son out, but I am scared that if I do he will use more drugs, and I will lose him for good.

    How are things with you now?

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  • Posted

    hi

    my son is normal from sun til friday, then he drinks himself silly.

    he is 16 and has just started an apprenticeship to become a joiner.

    he is very excited and enthuisiastic about his job, and gets up for work without a problem

    he is a lovely caring boy until under the influence, then he becomes aggressive and overconfident, as he can be quite shy.

    my hubby and i hardly ever drink or go out, so he has not been brought up with alcohol, but what he can consume in one night worries me.

    we have tried to stop him, that didn't work then we proposed a sensible deal,but now he actually doesn't care what state he comes home in. my oldest daughter gave me no trouble atall, she drank but sobered up before she came home, which i call respect.my son shows none whatsoever.im at a loss.

    he wanted to fight with his dad a few weeks ago so i put him out, he returned early next morning full of shame promises and apologies.it didn't last long can anyone help with some good advise.

    [i:4b59fb9aba]This message was automatically imported from the original Patient Experience[/i:4b59fb9aba]

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  • Posted

    [quote:2d8e81365b=\"N.\"]I know exactly what you and your son are going through. I have smoked canabis for 17 years and started at 13. It really affects my personality and made me really agressive, moody and depressed. It is atrange really, i love my mum and dad more than anything but when i am smoking canabis i can't handle conversations with them and tend to be ratty for no reason. It's a horrible feeling but i can't help it and i always feel so guilty about it afterwards which make me derpressed and smoke more. It's a viscious circle really and it's like being ill. I struggle to concentrate and find it imposible to sleep and even harder to motivate myself to go to work. I know what i need to do but it is really hard. I want to stop and know i will. i am 30 and i believe that most people that smoke or use drugs have to get worse to the point that they themselves cannot stand it anymore before they want to stop. This is where i am at now. If your son is not ready yet then maybe you have done the best thing in kicking him out. He will hopefully realise that this problem will rule him like it has me and so many other people and decide that enough is enough.

    I hope that everything sorts itself for you both.

    Nick

    [i:2d8e81365b]This message was automatically imported from the original Patient Experience[/i:2d8e81365b][/quote:2d8e81365b]

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  • Posted

    Can anyone help me please. My son has been smoking cannibs for several years. He is now 26 years old and his behaviour is getting worse. He has been sacked from every job for stealing to fund his habit. He is violent and disruptive. It went from cannibis to cocaine, although he says he does not take cocaine now which I don,t believe. He is stealing from the house now. I have threatened to kick him out but I am afraid he will be more at risk without my support. He is the apple of my eye and I love him dearly. Should I give him tough love?
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  • Posted

    Rita.. at 26 he is well able to look after himself and your cosseting him is not going to help matters. The fact is YES..you should definitely push him out. I know how tough it will be for you but remember you are doing it for HIS good. I cannot understand why parents do not report this sort of habit to the police as it is a crime and you are in fact harbouring a criminal. That's got to be a bad example to children however old they are.

    Steel yourself and get tough.. he may well be so shocked at your actions that it will be enough to bring him to his senses.

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  • Posted

    Hi 

    this is the first time I've ever used one of these sites , I'm at a complete loss as what to do with my 17 year old son , he has become verbally violent towards me ( calls me every name & horrid word you could ever use to anyone) he's trying to push me to a point , he try's to make me hit him which I don't he's comes up to my face when I have tried to discipline him & shouts at me "what the f**k are u going to do about it !!!! Yeh go on hit me & see what I'll do to you "

    hes been given an amazing opportunity to start a fantastic apprentiship which he really wanted & now he has said if I make him take the job that he now says he doesn't want he will get the sack on purpose ,by the worst means possible &see how I feel then !!! 

    I've told him that if he doesn't take & keep the job he will need to move out , 

    i have said this as I have found out that he has been using cannabis & other forms of drugs ,

    (which I'm against & I also don't understand why you would want to mess with you head & body with them ,) 

    he is asking for fuel money all the time he has been using it to fund habits , he's punched walls thrown stuff across the room when I have challenged him about his behaviour , he tells me it's all my fault he's the way he is he hates me I'm poison etc ... I'm sure it's the drugs talking but it's making me ill I have constant head aches , I cry all the time now , I walk on egg shells cos I don't want to rock the boat  , I'm scared to go to work cos he's threatened the wreck the house & take my stuff , but I'm also scared that if I remove him form the house he's going to go further down the drugs life style ' I don't know what I have done so wrong we have always provided him with a loving stable home , shown him that you need to work in life you get out what u put in , he's had more opportunities in life than most he's tried more sports & hobbies etc ... , I pay for his phone contract , his car insurance & tax , food etc.... 

    Im so lost , I hate myself for thinking that I should be asking  the apple of my eye & the biggest part of my life my son to leave home cos I'm scared of what he's going to do next & I can't bare to watch him slowly kill himself he's lost 2.5 stone in the last few months & is sick most mornings !

    wher have I gone wrong ??? 

    Will I loose him if I ask him to leave ?? knowing he has nowhere to go we don't have a wider family , 

    or have I lost him already ?? 

     

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  • Posted

    Hi

    I know you wrote this over a year ago but reading what you and others have written is like reading what's going on in my life.

    My son is almost 17 and smokes cannabis daily. It makes him physical and verbally abusive, he's in trouble with the police, he's not at college and left a job after 3 weeks. He screams at me and smashes up the house because I refuse to give him money- tells me I'm a bad parent, that I'm a whore and wishes I'd die.

    He can be the most loving boy and when he's not smoking he can be an absolute delight to be around but that part of his personality is hidden from us at the moment.

    I have two other teenage boys who do not smoke and are either working or studying - I'm not saying they are perfect but they are just normal teenagers.

    Did throwing your son out make a difference?

    Thank you

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  • Posted

    My son managed to get to the age of 15 as a perfectly good and well liked lad, and then he started mixing with the local lads/ neighbours who were typical ' yobs '. Wasn't long before he was staying out later and later plus coming home obviously high from smoking weed. 

    His attitude towards people changed and he eventually started to take things from our home, the odd tenner from our change bottle which soon mounted up to forty pounds or so each time. He tried to argue that it was only change, I said if I had a wad of notes on the side would it be ok to just take that? When he started taking other family members belongings ie; electrical equipment I made the hardest decision of my life to keep the peace at home with my partner (not my sons dad) and his siblings one of whom is much younger and impressionable. 

    Rather than throw him out I gave him a 'choice' to make by himself. I told him if he stopped doing all the things he was doing which was causing upset to the family then he would be welcome to stay and live at home, if he chose to continue stealing from us all and behaving horribly then he would have to move out. 

    He stole again, I told him he had obviously made his choice and would need to leave. He packed what few belongings he had and left. 

    I felt guilty, heartbroken... I grieved for my once adorable little boy. Worried sick as I didn't even know where he would go. But selfishly in the days to follow I also felt immense relief, our home felt bright and no longer gloomy or filled with mood swings, tension & arguments. We didn't have to worry about hiding our personal items away or stay up late to wait and let him in suffering the next morning when having to get up for work.  We could enjoy family life again. 

    Over the next few years my son sofa surfed with friends and stayed at hostels here and there. Got into trouble with police, all the usual things that would be associated. I always made it clear that if he settled down, stopped taking drugs and got a job he would be welcome to come back and live here. Obviously he continued to 'choose' his way of life. 

    He is now 21. He worked for almost a year and for a while I thought things would change. I even let him move back here temporarily whilst we were in the process of sorting him out a flat to rent, took him to work each morning. I have to say honestly it felt horrible, took us right back to how things were before. He was still smoking drugs, wouldn't get up in the mornings etc.  I actually resented him being home. 

    We got his flat sorted, he lost his job through his poor time keeping and taking regular days off. His rent is paid for by housing benefit, but he doesn't claim any other form of benefit. So I am still forking out on food basics each week and some of his bills.

    Like others have mentioned he has this grand idea that the world owes him something and can't see that he has ever done anything wrong himself. On occasion he has threatened that he would rather be dead. 

    So yes, in answer to many questions it is a hard thing to kick out your own son which is why I put the choice onto him. Do I regret it? No.  Do i feel sad at times about the situation? Yes, often.

    It wasn't 'my son' who packed his bags at 15 and left, it was a junkie with no respect or consideration for others, not even for life itself. Now he is a man with the same poor qualities and actions. I will continue to try and bail him out within reason at times but I will not put myself further in debt. 

    Sometimes I even feel I am waiting for that call or knock on the door to say they have found my son dead, I have long accepted that he has no interest in life and it's possible. 

    What I do know for sure is that I, and others  have done their best to try and help him improve his situation time and time again. What you must understand is that nobody can be helped until they are willing to also help themselves. 

    I wish you all the best in similar situations, and thank you all for sharing.. you also helped me to put my thoughts into perspective. x

     I helped him get a flat and was dropping him to work in the morinings. 

     

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  • Posted

    Reading all the replies to this post has made me reflect on my own childhood.

    I had a fantastic upbringing, my family were loving and always there for me. I never wanted for anything. My parents have always been really against drugs too. They don't smoke and only drink now and again.

    Then I turned into that moody teenage boy who argued with my step dad and started smoking weed. However, I didn't like being around my family after I had smoked, so I usually kept it out of their way or to a minimum when they were nearby.

    Various factors in my life made me smoke more of it than I should, and I did go on to other drugs for a while after the passing for my little sister, but for my family's sake I tried to keep as grounded as possible.

    Yes there were arguments and bad words said, but apologies were always made, and we became a much closer family.

    I'm 31 now and I truly believe that without them being so understanding and caring, then I wouldn't be the person I am now. I'm a daddy to 2 girls and my parents are a huge part of their lives.

    For what it's worth, If I had been thrown out of the family home during the hardest years of my life, then this would be a much different message now.

    All the best to everyone.

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  • Posted

    Hi where did your son go ? did you literally bag hes stuff and throw him and it out ? I'm going through the same thing my son is 17 I'm so petrified to be in my own house when hes here he is verbally abusive and throws things punches things I have 4 girls (hes sisters) that are also petrified of him,hes been a cannabis user since he was about 12, I tried family support agents but they was no help as he turned on the charm with them and they basically told me there was nothing wrong....I've asked him to leave but he just laughs at me....ive thought about changing the locks but he will just kick the door in.

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