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I have my own black dog and it may cost me my relationship

Posted , 6 users are following.

autumnleaves
autumnleaves

Hi Everyone,

For years I have struggled with emotions and feelings of being down, not good enough, even ending it all. Today I went to the doctor to seek help and have been referred for counselling.

My boyfriend of just over a year has tried to help me time and time again, but I snap back at him. Now he's upset I went to the doctor without talking it through with him first and appears to be blaming himself for my depression.

I tried counselling before but it didn't work. I'm hoping this new one will although I'll have to wait 4 weeks to see someone. The other counsellor I was told about by a friend.

I think my relationship may die because of this. He's cut off from me. Slept on the sofa last night and is being snide all the time now, asking what he's meant to do and how can I just expect him to be ok and want to be normal around me.

I feel like I'm a class A fruitloop. I could finally see I was hurting him, that's why I went to the doctor, now I feel I'm being punished for it. I'm sure it's the illness translating it all to that and I'm sure he isn't punishing me. But I really don't know what to do.

Please help

2 likes, 10 replies

10 Replies

  • archemedes
    archemedes autumnleaves

    Posted

    Have you considered quietly sitting down with him and attempting to explain your feelings to him in a relaxed manner, explaining what you are going through?

    Two kind words in his direction such as 'thank you', can move mountains.

    I believe that when those closest to us are fully aware of all our circumstances they can and do make allowances for us. 

    • archemedes
      archemedes

      Posted

      Is there any chance that you might get him to go with you to a mediation session with say Relate?
    • archemedes
      archemedes

      Posted

      I would make this point to you autumnleaves, and that is that it takes two to tango.

      In other words the 'right' is never wholly on the side of one person.

      You have admitted that you suffer from depression but it does appear to me from what you say that your partner is taking the high ground and not accepted any responsibilty whatsoever. In fact just the opposite, he is openly accusing you of everything that is going wrong with the relationship.

      Now I do not accept for one minute that he is Jesus incarnate, and therefore his lack of understanding and tolerance I feel is what he is doing wrong.

      Might I once again suggest that you get him with yourself to a mediation service such as Relate?

      In the meanwhile you do need to continue to seek out and find a support system so that you are not left alone to cope with your depression, and in this respect I would suggest that you contact Mind or Milestone whose contact details are both available on the internet.

  • patricia44773
    patricia44773 autumnleaves

    Posted

    That darned Black Dog has a lot to answer for!!  You have my utmost sympathy and I am so sorry that it is causing you relationship troubles.  It's so hard for people on the outside to understand, they try so hard but at some point they have to understand that only medical help with do the trick.  I think it is harder for those who love you because they think that they should be able to be your knight in shining armour and protect you from everything. 

    I do hope things work out for you.  The last thing you want is a break up to add to your problems.

    I wish I could help more, but I can only wish you the best.  I will keep you in my thoughts.

    Pat

  • UK-Ven-medicate
    UK-Ven-medicate autumnleaves

    Posted

    My ex divorced me , pm me and I can explain how is best to keep things on even keel. I learned a hard lesson
  • anne240
    anne240 autumnleaves

    Posted

    Oh I do hope you resolve this.  Yes I know what it is like because I have lost relationships because of my depression.  I know we push people away.  It is so hard for them to understand.  Have a talk and explain it is your illness that is making you act as you do.  It is hard for your partner to understand depression because he thinks it is you talking, and it isn't really, is it?

    You don't want to lose him, I know.  Fight hard if you want to keep this man.  I have been alone many years with my depression.  When you find a person who can support you through this, then you are truly lucky.  You don't mean to hurt him.  Tell him this.  If he truly loves you, then he will give you support.  We think so negatively, and think we know how others are feeling too. 

    My advice?  Have a truly honest talk.  Say you don't want to lose him, you need his support, and you are doing everything to help yourself through this depression.  Tell him it is not his fault you are depressed.  Say you just wanted to try and cope with it alone, and went to doctor because you did not want to sorry him.  Tell him you truly need him.

  • autumnleaves
    autumnleaves

    Posted

    Thank you everyone. He slept on the sofa again last night and came in this morning to say I'm destroying him and have to change towards him. He's now saying I'm not ill, just lazy. It's very hard
    • patricia44773
      patricia44773 autumnleaves

      Posted

      Are you sure you want to stay with this man?  I know you say he has good qualities, but he isn't very supportive, is he?

      You are in an awful position, I feel so sorry for you and I hope you find the answers.  You deserve better than this.

      Pat

    • anne240
      anne240 autumnleaves

      Posted

      Well if he says these hurtful things, and believes you are not ill, then do you really want to be with him?  He is finding it hsard to accept that you have a depressive illness.  If  he thinks yoiu are destroying him, then it looks like he does not want to be with you any longer.  I am so sorry, but he is not supportive is he?  He can't continue to sleep on the sofa can he?

      I think you have to make a decision now. 

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