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I have no idea how to escape my obsessive thoughts (OCD)

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chey51702
chey51702

(I have OCD) Last November, something happened where I was overcome with guilt and told my husband (fiancé at the time) that I had lied to him about a few things. We talked it over and he forgave me. However, it triggered something in me where I felt the need to tell him everything I have done, thought, was not fully honest about, or things I have said to other people (I felt the need to tell him whether we were together at the time or not). Ever since then I have been struggling with thinking of things I have done/said or have convinced myself I have done/said. My husband told me he doesn’t need to know all the things I think of/have done as long as it doesn’t have to do with me being unfaithful. This made me feel relief at first but then I started to convince myself that I was unfaithful when we were dating, that I tried to flirt with his brother, or that I will cheat on him in the future. I NEVER had these thoughts before what happened in November.

Currently, I am struggling with thoughts about my emotionally/verbally abusive ex. A few days ago it was “do I still have feelings for him?” “Would I respond to him if he messaged me?” “If he changed would I want to be back together with him?” I know the answers to these questions are NO, but when my head starts running like this I don’t know how to see the truth. The relationship ended almost 5 years ago but I still occasionally struggle with the aftermath of that abusive relationship.

A few days ago, I started thinking about a time when my husband and I were just dating, and I was with a friend smelling candles. One of the candles smelt exactly like my abusive ex’s colognes. A few days later I went back with my mom and I was trying to find that exact candle to show my mom how it smelt exactly like his cologne (it wasn’t there). Suddenly, I could not recall if I wanted to buy it if it happened to be there or if I just wanted to show my mom. I am beating myself up over whether I wanted to buy that candle or not, this happened close to two years ago.

Last night, I had a memory of trying to sign into that same ex’s instagram (I think). I am not sure exactly when this happened or what I was hoping to gain from it but I have convinced myself I did this while my husband and I were dating and I feel so bad. The only reason I could think that I tried to sign on to his instagram was because I wanted to see if he felt remorse for how he treated me/if he was saying anything about me. (When we were together he told me a password he always used, I tried it, it didn’t work, and that was the end of it). The thing stopping me from full closure of the situation is I don’t know whether he feels remorse for treating me that way and I just want everyone to know how terrible he is. I am not sure what to do about these recent thoughts. I know they may seem small in reality but it is all I can think about. I know I kind of ran on and things might be a little confusing but thank you for reading if you got through it.

I absolutely adore my husband and have no desire to be with this ex or have wanted to since we got together.

1 like, 4 replies

4 Replies

  • jan34534
    jan34534 chey51702

    Posted

    you are over thinking it all.you admitted to something and he

    forgave you. That’s all that was necessary.

    YouTube has some great talks and overthinking and ruminating. They might help you! Remember, nothing exists except the present moment. The past is gone in the future does not yet exist. Live in the present moment and you’ll feel much happier!

    • chey51702
      chey51702 jan34534

      Posted

      Thank you so much for the reply, I actually just watched a rumination video on YouTube because of you and it helped so much. Especially reading the comments and seeing many individuals struggling with the same thing.

      I appreciate you!

  • Mediumbird02
    Mediumbird02 chey51702

    Posted

    theres something called relationship ocd, you can look it up. you have classic symptoms of it, its probably due to your abusive ex treating you badly, its making you feel like you have to prove yourself to your current partner all the time. or at least thats what i got from this. just trust yourself and do some meditation, relax, know YOU, know yourself and know that you will not cheat, its not who you are and i can tell you really care about being faithful so do some mindfulness meditations, guided ones are the best for people like me who cant focus without words, insight timer is a good app

    • chey51702
      chey51702 Mediumbird02

      Posted

      Thank you so much!

      ROCD is something I definitely struggle with. My compulsions are having to tell my husband what I have done/thought in order to get relief even though he has forgiven me. My mind just goes "oh but he wouldn't forgive you for this so you need to make sure". It's ridiculous. I will definitely look up some mindfulness meditations, thank you.

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