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I have no more will to live

Posted , 6 users are following.

gloom
gloom

I went to get tested for STDs last week. I hadn't been sexually active in over 4 months now but I was reading an article about HIV and suddenly became paranoid. I hadn't gotten tested after I broke up with my last ex so being the paranoid person that I am, I went to get tested.

When I was at the lab, the lab technician said that my doctor ordered for me to get an HSV test but I had to pay $165. She also said that there was a free one. We called our doctor to ask him if I needed the paid one or if I can do the free one. The difference between the two was that the paid one tells you where you have it, and if it is type 1 or 2, and the free one doesn't. Anyway, I ended up getting the free one.

A week passed by and I received a call from my doctor. I was freaking out. I knew somethong was wrong. I tested negative for all STDs but he said that I had HSV infection in the past. He said that since I got the free test, we don't know whether or not it's type 1 or 2. I was in shock. I knew nothing about herpes and thought that I can just take antibiotics for it. My world started ro crumble when he said that I will have it for life. I was so confused. I asked him more about it. The frustrating thing was when I asked him what I should do (I tried to be calm but I was shooting bricks) and he asked me if I ever had cold sores in my mouth or blisters in my genital area. I told him I never had any of those. He simply said, "well, then you don't need to worry about it." 

Wtheck?! How can I not worry about this? A part of me wishes that I hadn't gone to get tested because this has now seriously affected me. Before I received the news, I was living a happy life and was really excited about getting into the university that I liked. Now I don't have a will to live. I don't see the point. I know that I will never be truly happy anymore and I cannot fully accept myself. I really want to die. All my hopes and dreams have died already.

I don't know when I got this and who gave it to me. It's so hard to believe because I had been living my life worrying about other HIV and other STIs and didn't even think about HSV. I never had symptoms and I've never been with anyone that had symptoms either. I have no one to talk to and I pretend I'm fine because I don't want to burden my family and friends but deep inside I just really want to die. 

I do not know what type of HSV I have because I do not have symptoms and I took the free blood test where they don't tell you what type you have. I can't believe my doctor would tell me not to worry about this. It has only been a day and I have already suffered a lot.

Part of me wants to believe that I had a false positive result. I have been reading stuff online which says that blood tests, especially non-specific ones, can result in false positives. I have chicken pox vaccine and was exposed to chicken pox during the time that I got tested because I work at a daycare and there was a chickenpox outbreak. Some experts say that chicken pox can result in a cross-reaction with blood tests.

At the end of the day though, my blood test said I have HSV. It doesn't really matter what type it is and that I don't get any outbreaks. It has already sucked the life out of me. Everything in me has died and I just want my body to die too. No one can accept me now because of this, and I find it hard to accept myself as well. I really wish that I won't wake up from my sleep. I don't want to live anymore.

0 likes, 8 replies

8 Replies

  • Vanityfayre
    Vanityfayre gloom

    Posted

    Please please please don't worry and take some time to read up on this .( but avoid the sites that over dramatise it )  This is the cold sore virus nothing more which millions of people have. It is the same virus as the chicken pox and shingles virus. If you have never shown any symptoms you are one of the lucky ones . I think it's something like 80% of Americans have it. Do you give someone who has a cold sore on their lip a second thought ? So please don't worry you could have had this since childhood.  It becomes more stigmatised if it on the genitals which it sounds like you never have had .  If you read up on it you will be in a better position to keep others safe . Good luck x 
    • gloom
      gloom Vanityfayre

      Posted

      Thank you so much for your reply. I have been reading a lot about this especially with regards to false positives. I am really hoping that I am one of those people who received false positive test results.

      I do not know what type I have because I got a non-specific test and have shown no symptoms in my entire life. However, this has really affected my life dramatically. I have lost will and hope for all the things that I was excited for in the future. I am not suffering from anything physical but I am suffering from the psychological effects of this.

      I cannot live a normal carefree life anymore because of this. It's always in the back of my mind, holding me back from doing the things that I love. I have been in bed for 4 days now. I have barely slept and eaten. I haven't gone to work and I really see no point in everything anymore.

      I wish someone can help me because I cannot help myself anymore. I just want to give up but I can never bring myself to commit suicide.

  • gijane
    gijane gloom

    Posted

    Gloom, you reached out to a good site.  You will find that more people have GH then people with diabetes. Keep calm, try to relax.  I'm not here to judge or to tell you anything hurtful.  GH is hardly a condition to die for.  I've had it over 15 years and most of that symptom free.  It's physiological no doubt.  No matter what or how you think of this you have to accept it and move forward. Someone else posted that you could of had this for years since childhood and not known.  Did those years effect you? You really don't know.  Dying because someone told you,you have the most common & controlled condition is no reason to die at all. The only reason there is no cure is because the government makes billions off of us. It's a condition that effects millions with no symptoms to a great deal of symptoms.  But it won't kill you, it's at best an irritation from time to time. No one has confirmed that it causes any other health issues and just think of how many people are spending money to suppress the condition and those fortunate few that can spend big money on therapy like a Counselor.  Your not alone in this. .... You and I we're in this together and so is every one else on this site.  I hope you find some comfort in knowing we can all chat about this no need to never wake up.  You have US I do hope these msgs find you in time before you do anything harmful. I'm Not sure if I said the right things to ease your mind but take it from someone with experience Life doesn't have to change because you have this.  I really hope your OK...
    • gloom
      gloom gijane

      Posted

      Thank you so much for your kind words. They brought me to tears. Honestly, I'm suffering from the psychological effects due to my test results. I have never experienced any symptoms so it is really not my concern right now. However, this is really affecting my life. I haven't eaten since and haven't had proper sleep either. I hope that you are able to listen to me because I have no one to talk to about this. It's difficult to live my life pretending that I am fine because I don't want to tell my family and friends.

      I just can't believe that this has happened to me. Until now, I don't know what HSV type I have because the test I took does not specify it. I have been reading a lot about this online especially with regards to false positive test results. I don't know what my chances are of receiving a false positive result. I am really scared and depressed. All the things that I was excited for in the near future just doesn't seem to elicit any hopes for me anymore. I can't believe my doctor would just simply tell me not to worry about it since we don't know what type it is, I don't have symptoms, and that I am not in a relationship/sexually active right now.

      It is really affecting how I see my future. Well, to phrase it better, I do not see any future for me anymore. Like, I wouldn't want to date anymore, and I have lost my strong will and want to go to University. I just don't know how to cope. I'm really lost right now and I don't know what to believe. A part of me believes that I really don't have it but it has already greatly affected my life in a very negative way. I don't know where to go from here.

  • victor15056
    victor15056 gloom

    Posted

    Gloom, you have my sympathy. Just rec r ntly and this is my opinion. But more than likely I contracted Gnital Herpes also. I noticed this morning blisters filled with something white. I couldn't move out of bed I was filled ith such shame, embarassment and deep sadness. I knew I could have ended my life if a gun was near me. It felt so easy. I believed I was invincible and could not contract STI Or STDS by wearing a condom... but unfortunately and fairly ... life does not discriminate. I know you feel that this disease singles you out and may make you feel unwanted like me... but hold on. This isn't easy but hold on. Lets not let this define who we are.
    • gloom
      gloom victor15056

      Posted

      Thank you so much for your sympathy. It really helps that I have someone to talk to online as I do not have anyone to talk to about this in the real world. It's hard that I have to pretend I'm fine when deep inside I just want to vanish.

      I don't know what type of HSV I have because I got the non-specific blood test and I never had any symptoms. A part of me believes that I got a false positive  test because I have read many things online regarding that matter.

      I just don't know what to do now. I don't know how I should live my life. I have lost interest in having fun and working hard for my future due to this. Outwardly though, I act normal. It's very difficult. I wish I had known better before it was too late. I am jealous of the people who were able to escape this virus. I am truly devastated right now.

  • gloom
    gloom

    Posted

    Unfortunately, I am still alive. If anyone can please help me. I just need someone that I can talk to regarding my situation. I would really appreciate it.
    • gary73522
      gary73522 gloom

      Posted

      Email me at sickcheats123@hotmail.sg,  please do so. Moderator, please do not delete my comment, I am really trying to help 
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