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I feel like if I write this all down, and someone knows what is going on in my head, I may start to feel a bit better about things and come to some sort of resolution. To start with a few things, I have pretty severe depression, and in my first year of uni my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me, left me heartbroken, and I became a bit withdrawn. As a result of this, I didn’t end up making many close friends. I have girls to live with, who are lovely, but we’re not that close. Fast forward to now, I’m a second year I rebounded from my boyfriend and ended up in a relationship. I’m not completely invested in this relationship (probably because it started as a rebound) and I know you’re probably going to say if I’m not 100% into it I should get out but here lies the problem. I don’t have friends at uni, he is one of the only people I hang out with, and if I didn’t have him there’s a strong chance I wouldn’t be here right now as he has literally come over so many times when I’ve been in a massive low and talked me out of doing stupid things. So he’s an absolute saint, which is going to make the rest of this sound horrible on my part.. During summer I went to a music festival with my home friends, and started falling for one of them. This friend told me that he really liked me, and would like to make a go of us. So I asked my boyfriend for a break, and was planning on breaking up with him once I had gone back to uni so that it’d be face to face. However, when I got back to uni, my mindset was worse than ever and I found myself self harming again. It was then I realised (really really selfishly) that I needed my boyfriend in university because if I didn’t have him I would have no one, and if I didn’t have anyone there was a high chance I would have harm myself perhaps fatally. So I was sort of happy just to go along the way that things were, and I told my friend that I was not interested (although I didn’t tell him I had got back with my boyfriend- I guess to preserve the friendship as I really needed all the friends I could get.) So now it’s Christmas break, and I’m home with my home friends. I had been looking forward to it for months, but now that I’m back I’m having the worst time in the world. I felt really isolated from the group, the friend who liked me and I liked has moved on, and the revision that I should be doing is not getting done. I called my best friend up to ask if we could hang out, as I didn’t want to be alone, and she said that because she used to have depression she was feeling too vunerable to be with someone who is in a depressed mood and we got into a massive argument. So now I am feeling trapped. I am in a relationship with someone who, although I love, I do not really want to be with. I am scared of leaving this relationship because now, as well as not having anyone at uni, I also have sort of lost everyone at home. And I’ve just been diagnosed with social anxiety so meeting people is not looking great for me.
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