I have nowhere else to turn.

I don't even know where to begin. Since the age of 16 I've been experiencing turmoil in my life. I'm not blaming anyone for this, not even myself, but sometimes in life we experience ups and downs. Everything started with my mom losing her job, effecting everything in both of our lives. I was in high school During that time and literally missed out on everything like events, homecoming, hanging with friends, prom ect... around the same time I became very ill and was diagnosed with a terrible disease. At that point I felt I was destined to die. I was trying sooooo hard to do the best that I could. I eventually pulled myself together through medication, therapy, and ALOT of positive thinking to cope with my illness. I then applied for a part time job and started working. I thought things were finally improving for me. Naturally I wanted to help my mom by working and contributing what I could to the household, but after awhile she became dependent on my income and completely stopped trying to get back on her feet. I immediately noticed that and every time I mentioned moving out or quitting my job she would make me feel ashamed to do so.

Fast forwarding to 3 years later, 2015. I was 19, Still working, and in college. I had such a difficult time learning in Highschool so college was aweful to me. My attention was not focused, the coarses I took was uninteresting so I gave up. I was feeling so depressed because of my illness and my home life. I was being taken advantage of so I said to myself "NO MORE" and took a leap of faith. I quite my minimum wage job, and moved to Los Angeles with only 60 dollars in my pocket and the clothes on my back in January 2016. My mom gave me hell!

I am now 20 years old. When I arrived in Los Angeles I slept in a homeless shelter for about a month. I was really depressed because I had no support from the little family I have, or friends. My past situation was toxic and I felt I had to remove myself from it to breath, it was nothing personal. I wanted to kill myself for a very long time but to be honest I'm to much of a pussy to do it. I can never catch a break from struggling. I now live in LA, still broke, but want to start a company. My mind is in the right place to escape poverty by thinking entrepreneurial, but I don't know where to begin. I even enrolled myself back in school to try and give myself another chance at learning business for the summer semester.

I still feel my life isn't worth living. I can't shake the thought of not wanting to be here. I signed myself up for monthly meetings with a phychaistrist. I don't know if it's going to help. Maybe she/ he can help me with the guilt, anger, resentment & anxiety I'm feeling towards myself, and my family. I never go out because I'm constantly thinking, stressing over my future. I'm afraid If I dedicate my life away to working it will be all for nothing and I won't succeed at financial success. I am to a point In my life where I become very fearful of living. I don't want to put my all in something and be rejected. I would be crushed. It's just wayyyy to many people on this earth for everyone to be happy.

3 likes, 4 replies