I have nowhere else to turn.

Posted , 5 users are following.

I don't even know where to begin. Since the age of 16 I've been experiencing turmoil in my life. I'm not blaming anyone for this, not even myself, but sometimes in life we experience ups and downs. Everything started with my mom losing her job, effecting everything in both of our lives. I was in high school During that time and literally missed out on everything like events, homecoming, hanging with friends, prom ect... around the same time I became very ill and was diagnosed with a terrible disease. At that point I felt I was destined to die. I was trying sooooo hard to do the best that I could. I eventually pulled myself together through medication, therapy, and ALOT of positive thinking to cope with my illness. I then applied for a part time job and started working. I thought things were finally improving for me. Naturally I wanted to help my mom by working and contributing what I could to the household, but after awhile she became dependent on my income and completely stopped trying to get back on her feet. I immediately noticed that and every time I mentioned moving out or quitting my job she would make me feel ashamed to do so.

Fast forwarding to 3 years later, 2015. I was 19, Still working, and in college. I had such a difficult time learning in Highschool so college was aweful to me. My attention was not focused, the coarses I took was uninteresting so I gave up. I was feeling so depressed because of my illness and my home life. I was being taken advantage of so I said to myself "NO MORE" and took a leap of faith. I quite my minimum wage job, and moved to Los Angeles with only 60 dollars in my pocket and the clothes on my back in January 2016. My mom gave me hell!

I am now 20 years old. When I arrived in Los Angeles I slept in a homeless shelter for about a month. I was really depressed because I had no support from the little family I have, or friends. My past situation was toxic and I felt I had to remove myself from it to breath, it was nothing personal. I wanted to kill myself for a very long time but to be honest I'm to much of a pussy to do it. I can never catch a break from struggling. I now live in LA, still broke, but want to start a company. My mind is in the right place to escape poverty by thinking entrepreneurial, but I don't know where to begin. I even enrolled myself back in school to try and give myself another chance at learning business for the summer semester.

I still feel my life isn't worth living. I can't shake the thought of not wanting to be here. I signed myself up for monthly meetings with a phychaistrist. I don't know if it's going to help. Maybe she/ he can help me with the guilt, anger, resentment & anxiety I'm feeling towards myself, and my family. I never go out because I'm constantly thinking, stressing over my future. I'm afraid If I dedicate my life away to working it will be all for nothing and I won't succeed at financial success. I am to a point In my life where I become very fearful of living. I don't want to put my all in something and be rejected. I would be crushed. It's just wayyyy to many people on this earth for everyone to be happy.

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi.

    It's good you are strong enough to put it all down for other's to read and hopefully help.

    There are a lot of people out there that are going through the same as you so never think you are alone.

    There is also a lot of people out there that have been in the same situation with depression, but have scrambled back to some sort of normality so try to keep an open mind and stay as upbeat as you possibly can.

    It can be a long road but I think you are doing the right thing by seeing a psychiatrist. That is a step in the right direction.

    Keep reaching out for help, and remember..........it seems like the mountain is way too high to even make an attempt at climbing, but baby steps........you can reach the summit eventually.

    Stay strong.   

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    • Posted

      Texas is a great place to start a new business and there are no personal income tax.  The state is large and in the black, which is more than I can say for Ca.  You are obviously are very capable of being a business owner and we welcome newcomers to our state.  Sorry your mom did the guilt trip thing on you.  That was wrong and affected you in bad ways but seeing a therapist (you might try a cognitive behavioral therapist (psychologist) since many psychiatrists don't talk so much.  Some do, however, and I hope that is how yours is.  Keep going.  Your dream can happen so don't give up. You will make new friends - just don't pull out that " mother guilt" that you learned back home! 😎
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  • Posted

    dear jayy,

    i am so impressed! moving away, starting a new life with not much on you. just the clothes on your back, and a tiny bit of money! i could never do that. i dont have any advice for you, i just wanted to say "fantastic" you are. so glad you shared with us, and hoping you get some great advice here! i hate to sound corny, but God bless you always!  much admiration for you, laura

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  • Posted

    Hi I could never do what you've done and try to make it on your own with so little money. You're very brave for trying and hats off to you! Well done also for seeking help from a psychiatrist as this is a great step towards getting the help you need. I hope you have success in your goals and that you get better soon. Your life is always worth living even if it doesn't seem like it. I struggle daily with suicidal thoughts but by being as open as I can like you are doing on this site I will get better (I hope) and so will you. Take care of yourself!
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