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I just turned 18 as the title states and I just finished my first week of community college. I've had numerous traumatic experiences at school so starting in a new school, especially one with 2,000 people at any given day, is extremely anxiety inducing to say the least. I feel immature though whenever I wish to run away and hide due to this social anxiety, because I'm an adult now and trying so hard to prove to my parents that I am not as fragile as I appear to be. I'm trying my best, and it is exhausting.
I feel pathetic. Useless. Even ridiculous as I know exactly the actions I must take to succeed, I just fail due to my lack of motivation or energy to simply live. I hate myself for it. To make matters worse, my boyfriend is dealing with the same issues as I am, though he is emotionally distant so I worry more for him than myself because I at least have a therapist and can emotionally open myself up to those I trust-- he doesn't know how to handle it and turns to anger at himself or sarcastic comments, and wishes to be alone rather than investigate the issue. It's something I am very tolerant towards, though I do not know how long until I can't handle such emotional numbness and unsympathetic behavior to save oneself of their own emotions affecting them.
My impulsive side without reason is telling me to quit school, run away, and just let my less-rational decisions pave a road for my future. Of course though, I am too cowardly to follow through with such delusions... There is so much I want to do-- but my 'Todestrieb' (or death drive) keeps me chained down to the realities that haunt me.
In short; I'm doing this to myself. I may have depression but I let this take a hold of me and I am only digging myself deeper, and deeper. Until I can no longer breathe.
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