I have turned 18; now what?

Posted , 4 users are following.

Hello.

I just turned 18 as the title states and I just finished my first week of community college. I've had numerous traumatic experiences at school so starting in a new school, especially one with 2,000 people at any given day, is extremely anxiety inducing to say the least. I feel immature though whenever I wish to run away and hide due to this social anxiety, because I'm an adult now and trying so hard to prove to my parents that I am not as fragile as I appear to be. I'm trying my best, and it is exhausting. 

I feel pathetic. Useless. Even ridiculous as I know exactly the actions I must take to succeed, I just fail due to my lack of motivation or energy to simply live. I hate myself for it. To make matters worse, my boyfriend is dealing with the same issues as I am, though he is emotionally distant so I worry more for him than myself because I at least have a therapist and can emotionally open myself up to those I trust-- he doesn't know how to handle it and turns to anger at himself or sarcastic comments, and wishes to be alone rather than investigate the issue. It's something I am very tolerant towards, though I do not know how long until I can't handle such emotional numbness and unsympathetic behavior to save oneself of their own emotions affecting them. 

My impulsive side without reason is telling me to quit school, run away, and just let my less-rational decisions pave a road for my future. Of course though, I am too cowardly to follow through with such delusions... There is so much I want to do-- but my 'Todestrieb' (or death drive) keeps me chained down to the realities that haunt me. 

In short; I'm doing this to myself. I may have depression but I let this take a hold of me and I am only digging myself deeper, and deeper. Until I can no longer breathe. 

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi koushika,  I think you are being so harsh on yourself and you need to give yourself a break you're trying you best and that's all people expect you to do.  Take each day one by one.  Find something nice to do today,  I think you need it. 

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  • Posted

    Please, carry on chasing your dreams! You are wise beyond your years in recognizing what needs to be done. I assure you;you can do it! It will get easier with each challenge you face head on.

    Others here know what you are feeling.

    Good Luck, you are in my prayers.

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  • Posted

    Listen to what you GUT is telling you.  Then take the action necessary to quiet it.  By knowing what you already know, you have a good head start.  Be true to yourself, first cause you have to live with that person.

    Good luck.

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  • Posted

    To be honest if your bf's issues are making you feel worse I would keep your distance for the time being.  You could try telling him that his failure to seek help is endangering your relationship and see how he reacts.  It's his male ego not wanting to admit he needs help as he would feel less of a man I guess.  It seems more women than men seek help and this is probably the reason why.  x

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