I honestly don't know what to do anymore
Posted , 5 users are following.
I just need to vent somewhere, anywhere, and I can't even trust my own friends to give a damn about my own feelings or problems.
I'm just a broken mess of a person, it's been progressively harder to cope over the years and 2020 has only made things worse. I love my family very much. We're sadly a dysfunctional lot. I wish things were different, that I could be more independent and freely live away from my parents without having to worry.
I'm very well aware of the fact that both of my parents are depressed over their lives and financial situation. We're at a point where they just accept things and follow along to a monotonous, daily flow of things, if that makes sense. They tend to neglect their own health if I'm not around to remind them, they can't reliably do any form of self-maintenance and they've come to rely on my help on so many things. I know that if I move out and leave, it would break them and they really would waste away. My being there for them seems to give them some reason to live at least. It's not easy, I've had to shoulder their burdens too and my dad has done nothing but toss his responsibilities my way. I hate him for that and I hate what my parents have become but I honestly don't know what to do. They just seem to have mostly given up on trying at anything in life.
My father has been nothing short of a burden as well. He's a type 2 diabetic and until recently, has had it under control. I've tried to help him maintain his nutritional health, unfortunately he's a stubborn b*****d and thwarts my attempts to the point where he's just so unhealthy now. Physically and mentally. I think what really broke me further was right before Christmas, he had to be admitted to the hospital for a variety of health issues he was dealing with. My mother and I found out that his kidneys failed, he nearly died if it wasn't for a blood transfusion and now he has to undergo 4 insulin shots daily and a dialysis treatment 3 times a week. No one else can help him, for reasons I won't go into, my mother especially hates the way he is and doesn't really want to have to deal with him. So it all falls onto me to help him. His legs are weak now and I have to help him walk. I have to monitor his eating habits and do shots for him myself. He can't even do too many strenuous motions without feeling tired or out of breath. And somehow I'm supposed to be there for him all the time. He's lucky that I'm on vacation at the moment, because normally I work 40 hours a week and come next week, i won't be able to help as much. I really do worry for him, and I worry at the fact that he's no longer physically capable of being independent to go to the hospital. This is unfortunately going to be for the rest of his life, unless he manages to get a kidney transplant which he's on the waiting list for. I can only hope he gets it soon. I'm really despairing at the fact that I'm becoming more of a caretaker than a son.
I'm just going off-tangent but I already have my own problems to deal with and my parents aren't doing me any favors. I already deal with self-confidence issues. I've grown weary of my job which is the only thing supporting me and my family (unfortunately they don't work anymore and savings are non-existent). I wish I could quit but for now it pays better than some of my alternatives. I don't even have aspirations outside of wanting to survive and live comfortably but that's not happening in my current state. I realize that I'm just like my parents, living the daily grind and going with the flow with no goal. And I hate that. I've had a few ideas on what I want to pursue for a career that would at least pay me a more livable wage and I know what I should do to get started for some of them but for some reason, I have this mental block where I just don't commit. I guess a part of me is afraid of change and the uncertainty that follows and that has resulted in my inaction. I hate this life, I hate how the only way I'm coping is wasting my time in unproductive ways like gaming, reading, and painting. Each day after dealing with daily bs, I just rinse and repeat these habits to try and forget it all and I'm so tired of it. I'm just so damn tired but also incredibly p****d at all of this. To make matters worse, my "best" friend who I've known for more than a decade doesn't give a s**t, not even platitudes or sympathy when I tell him small details of the problems I'm facing. All he does is reply with a non-committal "Oh". It's ridiculous.
Sorry if this post has gotten too long, I'm just going through a mental overload and I can't focus on what the first step should be to get through all this and improve my situation. I just needed to let all this out somehow. Thanks.
1 like, 4 replies
sam18386 mark01
Posted
hi mark, i have just read your post and what you're going through is the awful. take each day a bit of a time, don't forget people online on here, your doctor's and the Samaritans are still open and the more you do one little thing that pleases you daily the more better you may feel. i will say some prayers for you, if you want me to. there's lots going on and you need to go slowly. if you take medication don't run out if not even though it's cold get out daily if you can and speak to people in general. good luck to you.
sam18386 mark01
Posted
hi mark, i have just read your post and what you're going through is the awful. take each day a bit of a time, don't forget people online on here, your doctor's and the Samaritans are still open and the more you do one little thing that pleases you daily the more better you may feel. i will say some prayers for you, if you want me to. there's lots going on and you need to go slowly. if you take medication don't run out if not even though it's cold get out daily if you can and speak to people in general. good luck to you.
sam18386 mark01
Posted
hi mark, i have just read your post and what you're going through is the awful. take each day a bit of a time, don't forget people online on here, your doctor's and the Samaritans are still open and the more you do one little thing that pleases you daily the more better you may feel. i will say some prayers for you, if you want me to. there's lots going on and you need to go slowly. if you take medication don't run out if not even though it's cold get out daily if you can and speak to people in general. good luck to you.
basten mark01
Posted
you care and love your parents. I am 71 suffered mental health years and pain 5 years. I burdened my daughter and son so much each day and every time I saw them. going on and on about my pain my symptoms how I'm going to do myself in!! I cannot believe the enormous strain I've put them through. my daughter once was bringing me dinners but it's got so that she can no longer cope with me as she has a lot of stresses of her own and like you friends not much understanding. My son listens but girls are different. she has over many months told me STOP texting...I'm at work or I'm not listening anymore ...mum you have to help yourself. I can feel for your parents as I am 71 and feel cos of depression and pain like I really dont care anymore and friends are few and you have become a carer yet working. it's too much. you're poor dad is very poorly. maybe mum cant cope. so it's all up to you. but you have to tell them they have to help themselves where possible and that the stress and strain on you caring and worrying and wondering is this it. .is this my life.. will give you a breakdown. Tell them and it will hurt them but tell them how you feel. one day they wont be around but I am angry that I have been such a burden to my kids especially my daughter who has done so much for me taken me out bought flowers cooked me dinners lovely words in cards. now she had had to back off and i feel lost but she has been honest and brutal saying mum i have issues stresses and i have to now care for me as noone else will. she is 45 and single and my best friend can you get any help from social care