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I just don't understand how/why i feel like this.

Posted , 5 users are following.

alison1990
alison1990

Hi im Alison

 

I’ve been in a bad place for as long as I can remember, I’m 23 and all my friends are graduating from uni but I dropped out in 2nd year as it was making me more depressed and making me feel suicidal. I feel like such a failure. That’s the 2nd career I’ve quit. I want to go back to college in September to do an access course to do mental health nursing so that I can go back to uni.

I don’t know, I suppose its because I’m sat in my flat all the time alone with nothing to do and no one to talk to me who gets what I’m going through. I feel dead inside and like such a let down to myself. None of my friends want to see me and I feel so alone.  There is no one for me to message and get to come around.

I feel like my depression is me. And I don’t want to be like this but I cant help it. I know deep down I deserve to be happy but everything around me tells me otherwise. I don’t get along with my mum. I have no money and I feel like im just a burden when I talk to people about it. On the plus side I have got into therapy, but it doesn’t start for another few weeks (iv been waiting 1 year).

I need to empty my head, its so full of negative thoughts. I just don’t understand why, or how people go through this and still live. I feel like a zombie.

Maybe its karma coming back around to bite me.

Please give me some words of wisdom, I need to see an end to this dar dark hole im in. 

1 like, 13 replies

13 Replies

  • Mercybemine
    Mercybemine alison1990

    Posted

    My my Alison, for such a young person it seems you have had more than your fair share of unhappiness. When I was that age much of what was going on around me never made much sense either. Although I never attended uni, ny ambitions was way beyond my reach, unfortunately for me, I was too young to realise it, all "it seems" that I wanted, was to save the world??? I joined the cnd, campaigne for nuclear disarmament. Supported groups like save the whalle etc. What I didn't know at the time is the limits to what a person can do and I gave up trying, with hindsight maybe I should of stuck it out. The power of the individual can sometimes change the world. Examples? Bob geldof, Nelson mandella, the Dalhi llama, Steve Hawkins (what an inspirational man) I only mention these names as they are individuals from your time. Others further back in time like Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Edison my the list is endless.only you have the ability to choose the path you wish take, at 23 yrs old you still have lots of possibilities before you, maybe your path is like you say, going to college and back into uni, maybe you are destined to achieve something you couldn't possibly fathom at this present time. All I can say hun is the possibilities are endless. When this darkness leaves you and you see your own potential, maybe then you will realise "although you may not feel it at the moment" that you are a young girl who has a hell of a lot to offer this world. I wish you luck hun. Take care.
  • Wings_of_the_Pegasus
    Wings_of_the_Pegasus alison1990

    Posted

    First of all Welcome to my life ive been living like that since i started secondary school at 11 im now 31 but i feel like a corpse.

    I will say i do have money but been on benefits aint what i want allthough its better then nothing especially when in debt an you got more money going out then you got coming in and i get about 600 per month an most of that goes on bills and utilities.

    Like you my depression as taken over my life but the sad part is im agreeing with it and when im low i have long conversations with my depression about why im depressed and why im still single an why the only time i see my friends is on facebook.

    Which is like talking to the angel an devil on your shoulder but its only the devil showing up which sucks an is something i dont want to life with but for me one of the ways to combat that is to actually find someone who understands that theirs days i could be fine an days where i just stay in bed but of course with my past relationships it would be easier an simpler to just cut it off.

    Which is another shame because i actually want a family but it seems the only family i have is imaginary which dont help my depression either.

  • Callamatie
    Callamatie alison1990

    Posted

    Hi Alison, I totally understand what you are going through, as it sounds alot like me a couple of years ago. Simple things can help you, yes your right, sitting in your flat alone won't help, i know it can be hard to drag yourself out sometimes when your feeling so low, but you need to make yourself, just go for a walk, feel the sun on your skin, observe whats going on around you, when you get into a routine of doing this, you will notice you feel more positive. Also make sure to eat healthy and exercise, again can be easier said than do, but try it, it's easier to keep up once you start and begin to feel better.

    Has there been anything you can think of that has started your depression off? There isin't always something major, but i found that a hormone inbalance made me far worse, i didn't understand why i was feeling so depressed, and it was scary. I'm on provera now, which is a contraceptive, and i feel 80% better with that alone.

    You do deserve happiness, you can talk to me about how you feel x

    • alison1990
      alison1990 Callamatie

      Posted

       

      Thank you for your reply. I do try going out for walks and I do like cooking but those things can only take up so much time until im back alone with my thoughts. I tried meditating last night and I found it really relaxing so I might do more of that.

       

      I start group therapy at the end of the month so I guess im just biding my time until I can get on with that.

       

      I honestly don’t know where it started. I was pretty neglected as a child as my mother was too busy at uni trying to get a better life for us. But in that time my older siblings used to constantly bully me, I remember there wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t cry. It’s hard to figure out how I am, every detail of my past has shaped me in one way or another.

       

      I started taking anti depressants in my first year of uni, I was struggling with the work load and I missed my friends from back at home. Also I didn’t know if I was doing the right course for me. It was film and tv production, sounds interesting but it really isn’t all that interesting. Anyway I tried killing myself but luckily my housemates found me and reported me to the on site nurse. Maybe it was uni that cracked me. I think I have boarderline personality disorder, I cant just be depressed.

       

      You say about a contraceptive helping you. I have the implant and it can cause some people to get depressed so I don’t know if that has anything to do with it. I might go see my doctor about it.

       

      Thanks for reading. x

    • Callamatie
      Callamatie alison1990

      Posted

      I tried a few different contraceptives before i found one that helped, when i was younger i was on the pill which im sure made my depression worse.

      It is a battle and a long journey with depression, you just need to make small steps to help yourself.

      Try to do things to keep your mind busy and drifting to negative thought, i don't know your interests, but some suggestions could be, swimming, reading, playing a computer game. Perhaps also look at joining at some support group.

      I know it's not easy, it's much easier to give advice, than doing it! I also need to take my own advice!

      Anyway if you just want to vent, and share your thoughts, you can always inbox me.

      Take care x

    • robin77577
      robin77577 alison1990

      Posted

      I'm sorry to hear that life was so bad that you tried to take your life. Very sad. i'm glad that you didn't succeed. 

      Read on the internet about the mineral that almost all people in the industrialized world are deficient in. No, it isn't calcium. It is magnesium. google it and you will see scholarly studies showing that deficiencies cause anxiety and depression. Magnesium glycinate is the kind that doesn't have a laxative effect whereas magnesium citrate (which I take) does. It also helps you relax when you take it at bedtime and get a better night's sleep. Speak to your pharmacist about it. He will likely have read about the magnesium studies. Another thing; magnesium is like vitamin C, if you take too much, it is eliminated in your pee. After vitamin D, magnesium is what we are most deficient in. Calcium is not even a close third.

      Wouldn't it be wonderful if magnesium really helped you? Please, if you do try it, let me know.

  • julie1111
    julie1111 alison1990

    Posted

    hi alison i am the same as you. no friends but on here! live alone and out of work barely surviving. i live in a flat on my own and all i have his my cat and he gets on my nerves as i seen him every day ,,but company have u thought of getting a pet even if just a gold fish! may help you..its so hard i know i have no support off my family i also start a course but have to wait till end of july the waiting is hard i had a terrible day yesterday ..want to send you a hug x
    • alison1990
      alison1990 julie1111

      Posted

      Hi Julie, i do have a puppy, shes nearly 5 months old and yes she does help a load. 

      What course are you wanting to do? 

      Why was it a bad day. I always try to tell myself that if we didnt go though the downs we wouldnt appreciate the ups. 

      I always like to write lists to myself too, what i want out of life, what i like about myself and things i have already achieved in life. It really helps you get thoughts out of your head and put your life into perspective. You should give it a try. 

      I hope you've had a better day today x

    • julie1111
      julie1111 alison1990

      Posted

      hi alison , courses are to help me build my conferdence back up. being stuck in all day doesnt help ur conferdence one bit.i dont know why i felt so low yesterday i felt tired and had a bad experience with a new doctor on friday so that didnt help. i write things down also im thinking of taking medition back up its helps but ur mind at rest and affermation videos are good also u can find them all on you tube. i feel better today weekends are hard when u know everyone else is living a life and were stuck at home xx
    • julie1111
      julie1111 alison1990

      Posted

      there is a site called friends in need sign up if you can its so helpfull and u will meet new friends in the same situation hope that helps
    • alison1990
      alison1990 julie1111

      Posted

      Yeah im going to try out those videos on youtube, thanks. 

      Do you not have a psycologist or anyone to talk to? I know mine has just referred me to a place that does activities with people suffering from mental illness. I'm going to have to wait but then hopefully ill get out more and make more friends. 

      Yeah ill sign up now, thank you. 

      I hope things change for you soon, no one should feel the way you do x

    • julie1111
      julie1111 alison1990

      Posted

      im in councilling at the moment its coming to a end so use other resorces and friends in need are brilliant u will get lots of support there and the videos may help ..we deserve to be happy!!
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