I just don’t wanna be here anymore

Posted , 6 users are following.

I’m 18 years old. I’ve been suffering with depression for around 3 years. I take antidepressants and they don’t help. I just feel like I have been observing life in 3rd person for some time now. I sit back and watch the world unfold around me as i slip deeper and deeper into myself. I don’t have the energy to get out of bed or eat some days. I don’t have the guts to hurt the people around me by killing myself, but i just wish someone would kill me. I don’t wanna be alive anymore. I feel so empty and distant all the time. I sleep all the time. It feels like my body knows it hurts less when I’m not awake. I don’t know if I’ll ever get any better. i just wanna lie down doing nothing but stare at the wall. My doctor doesn’t take me seriously and blames my problems on my drug use, which is simply a symptom of this problem. I just wanna fade away and dissolve. I am becoming more and more distant from friends and family. I’m sick of having to try so hard just to be awake and conscious. Living and breathing is such a great effort at the moment. 

2 likes, 7 replies

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    So many thoughts but it will get easier thats what i keep telling myself i so hope it does soon. And for you. X
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  • Posted

    Hi I would first of all make an appointment with a different doctor then see them and let them know that your meds aren't helping.  They might need upping or changing as it is often trial and error to find ones that work for you.  How about doing some counselling as well?  x

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply. I had counselling in the past, it did help somewhat. I’m trying to arrange some more at the moment. Money is tight so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to afford enough sessions at the moment to really feel the same benefit I did in the past. Something is better than nothing that being said

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  • Posted

    Hi Menthol - sorry to read you are suffering like this. It's so tempting to just quit. Have you had any help with your drug use? Self medication is part of the journey where depression is concerned, anything to dull the pain, to disassociate from being part of the world, to be unconscious. It's about escape when the remedy actually requires engagement. If you are unhappy with the doc, get another one. Change meds if they are not effective. Get angry. Use that to drive you. Change is not easy which is why it's worth infinitely more than the alternative.

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your words. I don’t think I need help, I know self medication is not a  feasible solution but it helps me get the the daily monotony. I won’t get a doctor’s appointment for a few weeks now, but I hope I will change docs when i next go.
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  • Posted

    3 years on anti-d and they aren't helping! You need to change doctors and find one who will help you and find a medication dose that will work for you. Once that happens you will gradually feel better. Stay strong as it does get better.

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  • Posted

    Hi Mentholatedmax. Today there are many good anti-depression medicines out there, there is no reason to be on one which isn't working after 3 years. I'm on Paxil and it does help-the SSRI's are very effective.

    I understand your desire to just stay in bed. I'm going through a tough spell right now and feel the same way. Today (sunday) I really wanted to get up and go to Church services. I went to bed extra early just for that. But, I woke up at 7:00 am and just laid there thinking about my problems. When 9:00 am came-time to get out of bed and get ready for Church-I just couldn't do it. I just wanted to lay there under my warm covers with my two dogs laying on the bed next to me. So, I ended up not going and that was a mistake-it would have made me feel better. But Depression really drags you down, it's so hard to get up and force yourself to deal with the world.

    I hope there are better days ahead for you, it's no fun feeling like this.

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