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I never in my whole life ever thought I would come to this point in my life. So young and so early, I never would've thought out of everyone this would be happening to me. All of this in one year just one year. I have gone from a perfectly normal kid to someone who doesn't wanna do anything who just sits around has no motivation, no goals no job no money no friends nothing. Lately feelings and emotions have just been out of control everytime I go out all I think about is people looking at me judging me for everything I do no matter what, even if I'm even doing anything wrong. I feel like I'm being judged everytime I talk to anyone I get so much worry and anxiety for no real reason, all I think about is how I look and how people see me never about myself. At 16 i never thought my life would be like this at all. At 16 I never pictured this. At 16 I'm living the worst years of my life and I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm so young so much ahead of me, and if this is gonna be my life everyday . I can't handle it. All I think about is my life drifting away from me my own family disowning me, my own family constantly thinking to themselves, stressing about me, always worried about what's gonna happen to their son, is he even gonna go to school is he gonna do anything, I never wanted to disappoint my parents, but as life continues on all I feel is hatred and despair, I don't ever wanna live like this. All I ever think about is the worst possible outcomes to anything, even when I'm just sitting and watching tv all I think about is my life like what's gonna happen in 10 years 20, this all started in grade 11 after i felt so anxious I wanted to leave to Toronto for a bit to cool down I came back after a month completely leaving school behind, came back continued grade 11 with a hectic Schedule, teachers and principles on my ass everyday always got hate for never coming to class, I would wake up everyday with so much anxiety and hatred about going to school eventually I couldn't take it anymore I left school and decided to go online for the rest of grade 11, I promised everyone even myself I would finish this. With every task I say I'm gonna do I always plan for it but when it's time I can never compete I always feel so anxious and worried I never wanna do it I never wanna do anything, I just wanna close my eyes and never come back. Now a new year of school is starting up in less than a week, and I can't hold myself together, I promised my mom I would go back to highschool in a proper school, that worst part is I know my mom, and I know she's so worried about me and I wanna stop whatever the f**k is going on with me, and I feel so bad for her, she raised me so well from the beginning my whole childhood everything was so great then randomly age 16 grade 11 I hit a huge stump in my life and I wanna get over it so badly I wanna go back to my normal life I don't wanna be this sad everyday and just think about the worst things possible in my head, I'm always trapped inside my head, I never wanna be around anyone because I never wanna express how I feel to anyone, I'm very secretive about my emotions and feelings, I feel very embarrassed about them and I never wanna tell anyone about them because il think their gonna judge me and think I'm insane, nothing in my life has gone right right now, every day goes by and it makes me sadder and sadder I just wait on time to pass just so I can sleep or just till my parents sleep just so I'm never worried about my parents coming and talking to me about anything school related and life related, because it just makes me incredibly sad, because I don't wanna be know in the family as a nobody, as a bum. I wanna be something. I don't wanna be that son that my parents talk about in sadness. It's incredibly sad when my parents talk about everyone else doing 10x better than me and my sister who's doing well. I'm always scared of judgment and scared of change. Everything slowly getting worse and worse every day hour by hour. Always worried about what's my life gonna end up like, school is slowly slipping away from me I feel like I will never graduate high school, that just gonna get left behind and never finish either everyone else, I don't wanna be that person who's still in high school while everyone my age has already graduated.
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