I just wanna close my eyes and never wake up.

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I never in my whole life ever thought I would come to this point in my life. So young and so early, I never would've thought out of everyone this would be happening to me. All of this in one year just one year. I have gone from a perfectly normal kid to someone who doesn't wanna do anything who just sits around has no motivation, no goals no job no money no friends nothing. Lately feelings and emotions have just been out of control everytime I go out all I think about is people looking at me judging me for everything I do no matter what, even if I'm even doing anything wrong. I feel like I'm being judged everytime I talk to anyone I get  so much worry and anxiety for no real reason, all I think about is how I look and how people see me never about myself. At 16 i never thought my life would be like this at all. At 16 I never pictured this. At 16 I'm living the worst years of my life and I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm so young so much ahead of me, and if this is gonna be my life everyday . I can't handle it. All I think about is my life drifting away from me my own family disowning me, my own family constantly thinking to themselves, stressing about me, always worried about what's gonna happen to their son, is he even gonna go to school is he gonna do anything, I never wanted to disappoint my parents, but as life continues on all I feel is hatred and despair, I don't ever wanna live like this. All I ever think about is the worst possible outcomes to anything, even when I'm just sitting and watching tv all I think about is my life like what's gonna happen in 10 years 20, this all started in grade 11 after i felt so anxious I wanted to leave to Toronto for a bit to cool down I came back after a month completely leaving school behind, came back continued grade 11 with a hectic Schedule, teachers and principles on my ass everyday always got hate for never coming to class, I would wake up everyday with so much anxiety and hatred about going to school eventually I couldn't take it anymore I left school and decided to go online for the rest of grade 11, I promised everyone even myself I would finish this. With every task I say I'm gonna do I always plan for it but when it's time I can never compete I always feel so anxious and worried I never wanna do it I never wanna do anything, I just wanna close my eyes and never come back. Now a new year of school is starting up in less than a week, and I can't hold myself together, I promised my mom I would go back to highschool in a proper school, that worst part is I know my mom, and I know she's so worried about me and I wanna stop whatever the f**k is going on with me, and I feel so bad for her, she raised me so well from the beginning my whole childhood everything was so great then randomly age 16 grade 11 I hit a huge stump in my life and I wanna get over it so badly I wanna go back to my normal life I don't wanna be this sad everyday and just think about the worst things  possible in my head, I'm always trapped inside my head, I never wanna be around anyone because I never wanna express how I feel to anyone, I'm very secretive about my emotions and feelings, I feel very embarrassed about them and I never wanna tell anyone about them because il think their gonna judge me and think I'm insane, nothing in my life has gone right right now, every day goes by and it makes me sadder and sadder I just wait on time to pass just so I can sleep or just till my parents sleep just so I'm never worried about my parents coming and talking to me about anything school related and life related, because it just makes me incredibly  sad, because I don't wanna be know in the family as a nobody, as a bum. I wanna be something. I don't wanna be that son that my parents talk about in sadness. It's incredibly sad when my parents talk about everyone else doing 10x better than me and my sister who's doing well. I'm always scared of judgment and scared of change. Everything slowly getting worse and worse every day hour by hour. Always worried about what's my life gonna end up like, school is slowly slipping away from me I feel like I will never graduate high school, that just gonna get left behind and never finish either everyone else, I don't wanna be that person who's still in high school while everyone my age has already graduated.

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Eliot

    You sound so sad, have you spoken to a Doctor?

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  • Posted

    Hi Elliot

    Sounds like you have depression and Social Anxiety. I have these too and I feel the same way you are describing. I'm not a doctor but I was diagnosed with these two. You need to get help.  Therapy, please tell your parents or sister how you feel. It's better to treat these early. Get diagnosed by a professional.👍 You're way too young to think about this. No one should be doing it at any age. Depression makes us sad. A kind of sad no one else will understand unless they've been there too. Please get help it's the only way you can get better and start feeling better. You can't do this on your own. A therapist will be able to change those thoughts. Worry's about being judged, ect. Good Luck hope you hang on and get better. You are not alone i feel like this too. But it's never the way out I know you must be overwhelmed but don't be pressuring yourself. Work with what you got. You will get there. Your family loves you I'm sure they rather you be here alive and well than not. Please don't do it you can get better think about them too. You will hurt them also. Tell your family they will be there for you to support you and get you help. Take Care🙏👍

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  • Posted

    Please,Please go to your Doctor and share all your fears and feelings with them.

    What you are feeling is the result of an illness that you can't wish away. The Dr can help.

    I know ,I have been where you are,felt what you feel. It is awful but you don't have to feel this way.

    My darkness was the result of a chemical imbalance and negative thinking process.

    There is hope.

    You have come to the right place.

    Please check in with your Dr.

    I will be waiting to hear how you progress. I care ...............

     

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  • Posted

    Hi Eliot - So sorry to read about your situation. Firstly - don't worry about 10 or 20 years in the future. That's miles away and things will be different. Secondly, you don't have to suffer today, there is all sorts of help out there for mental health issues. Thirdly, a mental health disorder is not a crime. You are not crazy. You have a wound that can't be seen, that needs treatment, just as if it was a broken bone. The fourth point is that you will have to find a way to open up to someone. Running and hiding from a condition can exacerbate it. If it is not dealt with, it can fester into something more complicated and serious.Th next point to make is that you are at a challenging age. All those hormones racing around and magnifying the issue. Added to that is the Great Expectation the world and adult have about the younger generation. Social Media distorting values and claiming perfection is happiness, a lie perpetuated to sell, sell, sell. 

    It's not unusual that teenagers feel they cannot talk to their parents about intimate matters. i wonder if perhaps you wrote a letter describing what's wrong? It doesn't have to be an essay, and it doesn't have to be completed before morning. Take your time with it and be totally. Next you will need to make a doctors appointment. That letter can be presented to help clarify what you will say. You need to remember that the doc is not there to dismiss, ridicule or diminish what you are feeling. He/she is there to help and will be able to provide referrals to counsellors or therapists that specialise in your area of concern. Their office will become a sanctuary for you. It will take a few sessions for you to be comfortable so don't stress if you are having difficulty getting comfortable. That's perfectly natural. Their office will be a safe place where you can say whatever you like, vent, scream, cry - whatever helps you to express. 

    Another important element for recovery is to do something. Anything. Go to school. See the counsellor there and make an appointment. Again, discuss what you are feeling. You are not alone. Many people can relate to what you have described, and you are not flawed, bad, stupid, or any other negative that is commonly used for sufferers by people who do not/cannot/will not understand. You have your whole life ahead, and this hurdle is about now - but you must act to understand, learn coping skills, and very shortly beat it. Best of luck to you - you can do this.

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