I just want to die

Les,

Thats is such a great and balancing response. And Anasatasia there are some real inspiring things you can pick up from this. 

Jimmy

I'm so sorry, when I hear what has happened to people I feel selfish, because nothings wrong with my body just my mind, I was on fluoxetine but didn't help me one bit, actually made me much worse, I haven't attempted suicide in ages which is a good thing, I just can't be bothered to even try, I haven't self harmed in about a month. Every single day I think about killing myself, how I will do it and when, then I remember my mum and dad, I can't leave them behind, I feel pathetic, useless, I'm not happy, I haven't been for ages, I just want to leave this world and never come back, but that's not an option because I don't want to put my mum through what I am going through, I just want medication and therapy but they won't give me the meds because of my age, it's so stupid! I clearly need it, will it get better? Or will it stay the same? I just don't know anymore, Thankyou all for helping me, really means a lot and I appreciate it! Xx

Your not selfish we all just need to learn from all our expereinces. Its great you havent tried to harm yourself too all positives.

The problem with the meds is for most people in the first 2 weeks they can make you worse, and the risk of this increase the younger you are. there is no reason thou why you can't have counselling and talk to someone. I did mindfulness class which is relaxation and concentrating on whats is happening now, and not worry about future or past. The past has gone, the future is always changing

I would suggest homethpatic remedies but I pretty sure you may be limited on them too. 

You need to look at your symptoms too and see which one you can fix

all these things will make you depression worse:

1. Lack of Sleep

2. Loneliness

3. Guilt

4. Reminiscing of the past

5. Pain

6. Bullying and Abuse

7. Stress

this is far from an exhaustive list but food for thought, if you suffer from any of the above just trying to focus on sorting one of them will make things better

 

I guess so, but I know that I would never try and commit suicide again, I just want a medication that is for me and I'm stressed and in pain, I have guilt and I'm lonely, Thankyou x

Organise the list stress, pain, guilt and loneliness. then choose the which you want to try to fix first. Don't try to fix all 4 at once. remember ​jennifee72369  advice to seek help

Okay, I will do that Thankyou very much 

Hi Anastasia,

BTW, I like that username, or is that your real name? Either way it's unusual. In a physical manner I am useless, unable to undress, or dress myself, I have to rely on my wife, and middle son (when he is not working!) and my daughter. Many times I have felt like a burden upon them, I know I cannot help myself in anyway to get better, the condition I have is not cureable and can only controlled by medication. Now the stupid part, mentally I am very clever. When I was 18 or 19 I applied to join MENSA, I flew through the test with an IQ of 165 - these days, that's probably dropped over the years. I left school in 1980, and started working for a company that desgned computer testing equipment then designing Prototype Themocouple Test Equipment down to -247 degrees Kelvin - at this temperature nothing lives. I have many qualifications, some of whidh I never even took courses in college for, I just done the exams - to me everything was easy! When I hit 22 yrs old, I had an accident - the stupid part was I felt fine, until the next day, over the next two weeks, I was transffered to 3 different hospitals ended up in London. 

.

When I had been diagnosed with Testicular Cancer, that shocked me but after 3 days in hospital I was back home. Then the 7 year remission period started, at first this was at a main hospital, quite a way from where I live, and it covered 3 counties so you can imagine the number of people in the waiting room, even I had to wait 2 hours. That scene in the waiting room was something I'd never encountered before, there must have been 40-50 children with cancer being treated with radiation, even my wife could not believe it. It's times like this that make you think, there's always people worse off than yourself - and there was me, thinking way before this about ending it all. It's not until you have been in a situation like that, that makes your life in a different manner.

Anastasia, by reading your messages your thoughts are all negative - what you need to do is start measuring the negative thoughts verses the positive ones, don't just include your current thoughts - broaden your horizons and think of the future as well, including friends and family, you'll probablly find that the positve thoughts will outweigh your negative ones.

I know what it is like, but set yourself some goals in life that you've probably never done before, and release the 'doppelganger' effect from within yourself, by the way thats metaphorically, not literally. I'm not a religious person, nor will I ever be, there's been too much tragedy in our family in the past decade.

About a week before my wife and I were married, we used to babysit my sister-in-laws 2 children, a girl aged 2yrs and her brother who was 14 months old. This hit me for six - we were playing with them because it was just after Christmas, after dinner we put a video on for them to watch, less than an hour later, our nephew started crying, well more like screaming that he had a bad head the lights hurt his eyes, bear in mind this was just gone 5pm, initially I called the doctor, he came around very quick - and examined him, he asked to borrow the house phone and said he needed an Ambulance "code blue", by this time he had gone into a seizure, we had called his parents to meet us at the hospital, but by 7pm roughly he was brainstem dead - it was just the machines that made him look like he was still alive. My wife ended up in hospital and miscarried our first child, which was put down to stress - we attended his furneral, such a small coffin - it was a sad time for all of us. Little did we know what was coming next, our niece asked her mum "When you have your next baby, will I have to go to Heaven?". Anyway, a few months went by and our niece said the boy she was good friends with had been rushed to hospital - within 8 hours he had passed away as well. Our niece was shocked her friend had died from the same problem, Meningitus. Back then there was no vaccinations against this strain. Our niece did finally get over it all, but it took many psychiatry visits.

What you don't need is doctors prescribing you numerous medications - which they have done to me. Instead of making you better it will cause an adverse effect, then along comes the doctor with another drug to counteract the first one. Half of the drugs I'm on to counteract effects from other drugs. A typical example is Tramadol, which is a Class 'C' drug I have to sign the prescriptions twice to even get them (it's one of those drugs that could be sold to drug dealers!), no, I don't do that - besides I can't outrun a Police car in a wheelchair! ) - now if you read up on the side-effects on this drug you find they are likely to cause seizures! I suffer from Epilepsy and Functional Episodes, amongst many other problems, and the doctor sticks me on these!

Are you still at school, I know bullying goes on alot these days, all 3 of my kids were picked on - that was until we told them to hit back. Yep, I know it's beyond schools policies, but they only hit back once and were never touched again. I read Jimmy's messages they are a good source of information.

I did try to message you sat in bed watching TV, but my battery on my iPad ran out. So I lost the message I was typing, got lost before I could send it. some forums have an autosave feature which is good, but not on here.

Regards,

Les.

Always think before doing things, don't react on impulse - thinking about the consequences before will normally put you in the right state of mind. I do this all the time, I overdosed on my drugs once, my gawd I would never do that again, I ended up arriving at hospital via a "code blue" - I wasn't trying to overdose myself, but took a full 24 hours of medication in around 10 minutes, the medications reacted inside me, multiplying all side-effects by 10 times! The feeling was horrible, and now my wife only gives me my morning medication at breakfast and lunchtime the 2nd dose, the third dose around  5-6pm, and the last dose around 10pm, with one Tramadol before bedtime, because they make you sleepy and she can't manage me to bed, the idea of Tramadol is to take the pain off me and aid sleep: Trouble is the side-effect from is drowsiness.

She has to watch me like a hawk! There is plenty of people that have been in your situation who you can contact, having a one to one, may help you more. Have you ever suffered from a trauma of any kind? It would explain why you have issues now.

I look forward to your reply, forget the long messages, I am well known to chatter on for ages

its my real name:p wow Its really shocking and scary what happens to people I haven't had any traumas! I had a great up bringing, I went to my physiatrist today and she put me on sertraline, I was on tramadol baring in mind I'm 16 which is really dangerous! I had really bad insomnia, didn't sleep Atall until the morning!

Hi Anastasia,

Well, you have a very nice name, different, unique - and special. I'm sure your parents are very proud of you. Everyone is different in their own way, it would be a very boring place if we all looked and felt the same.

You said you find things "shocking and scary" - over the years, since I left school I have known so many people die, not from their own-doing but accidents, a girl I knew well died of meningitus 2 years after leaving school. A boy I knew died in a crash on his motorbike behind a lorry. It is a strange world at times, and as you stated "shocking and scary" as well. But, when you look back as you grow up, you'll always find it's always more positives than negatives, which is better.

There are many illnesses that are generic, I suffer from seizures so did my father, whom I lost in 2008. I lost my mother in 2004 - I have had to cope with a lot over the years including my brother nearly killing himself, with alcohol poisoning twice. I fell out with my brother this weekend, it's a long story and involved his son, and his wife whom was institutionalized on numerous occassions, after Social Services was brought in to save the baby (at the time). Even my wife and I considered fostering him, but my father gave my brother 2 options "either keep the baby or I do not want to ever see you again!". Time passed and many things went on that not even I knew about, I called the Police and Social Services many times, doing that on my own brother was a pain, but it was basically to get his attention, that I do not forgive people very easily. ...and his wife needed help for mental issues. Eventually, she was admitted, at first she became worse, even smacked a nurse in the face with an electric iron. After that incident, she was transfered to an hospital miles away so she could not get back to cause the child further injury. Numerous attacks on him as a baby was , pushed off a bed, put in washing machine, pushed down the stairs which caused his teeth to grow deformed in later life.

That child today, is not only behind in education, he is also a very lonely 14 year old boy and has no friends. He's not allowed to watch TV, play games on a games console or even on the internet. My brother has some very weird rules and the whole lot is based around religion, and he thinks everyone should obey him. Basically, a religion unto his self.

The stupid part is I'm not religious whatsoever, and neither is my wife - if any of our children want to join any religion, then thats their prerogative. We don't force religion on anyone, We have always brought up our children to not bottle anything up that's worrying them, we've always asked them to be broad and open-minded, and down to earth. If anything is worrying one of them they know they can confide in myself or my wife - it dosn't matter what it involves, we will listen and give them our own advice on any issue or situation, sometimes this includes their friends - their friends find it easier to talk to us rather than their own parents, a few times friends of our daughters have broke down, because basically they cannot communicate on the same level with their own parents, or matter is to do with their parents. All our children say the same, their friends find us easy to get on with, they feel they can talk to us like we were there parents, in a way I suppose this is a good thing, but we try and explain that really you need to be rebuilding the bond with their parents, it is surprisiing how many have lost that bond, over the years.

Now, I'll you how old my children are, our eldest is boy is 23, next boy is 20 and our youngest is our daughter at just 14 years old (going on 18 years! lol). Eventhough she is 14, we treat her like an adult and she knows she can come to us at anytime, about anything. Our family bonding is strong, which I think personally goes a long way.

Well, remember this - there is always a person in a worse condition or situation than yourself. You have a long life in front of you, and you're very young. ...Then again, remember me telling you all this, and I'm 51 tomorrow, lol over half a century! Oh well, another 49 years until I get a Birthday Card from the Queen or King by then! That's one thing I regret, wishing my school years away. Everyone does it, then regrets it for the rest of their lives, because the years just seem to flyby.

Anyway, Anastasia start thinking positively, and I hope the Sertraline works for you and have a good life. If you ever need to speak to someone theres always friendly people on here. Take care...

Regards,

Les.

I hope you're doing ok, although I'd recommend you to go and find help. You need to contact the police, as this forcing you to work isn't right in any way. You will get help from the Police. They will help you in your situation, don't let it continue and get help and it CAN change. I promise you, and wish you the best.