I killed myself
Posted , 6 users are following.
Yes! You read that right times were tough and the way I chose to live my life was as three separate lives never mixing friends home life and work life the problem with that is when one part fails no one from any of the other two parts can help you
And so I was alone ironically in an effort to protect myself I'd Infact caused more damage I'm sure I'm not the only person that chooses to live that way
Anyway last month enough was enough I took a rope and stepped off the chair I did so knowing there was no coming back and I didn't care now I don't remember struggle to survive or my legs jerking as I hung it was a simple step off and for me personally it was lights out
A friend was passing at the time and dropped in as she was a nurse and knew I was suffering I was dead she had to find me like that luckerily she is a nurse a very very good nurse and she cut me down rang an ambulance and did cpr she got me back I woke up in hospital surrounded by friends who although were empathetic also disappointed
Now I'm not trying to glamourise it in anyway and it scares me now more than ever how easy it was notice how I put luckily (even tho I wanted to die so badly)
I chose the word carefully because I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel but I did experience something I was in a cold dark place a woman looking at me with a child peeping over her shoulder her eyes emitting a great deal of pain as if she was expressing my own pain through her eyes alone as I said it was very cold and it scared me far more than the thought of having to deal with my pain
I wanted to share this here because most ppl here are in need of help and thinking of doing what I did but I urge them to take every opportunity of help before committing themselves to a desicion like that
5 likes, 15 replies
phyllis11904 Hakuna_matata
Posted
You literally had to die to realize you did have something to live for. When I was young and someone asked who was there, we used to answer: just the three of us; me, myself, and I. I hope you are finding a way to merge your separate worlds so you will have help and support wherever and whenever you need it. How are you doing now? It's a very good sign that you are urging anyone consider suicide to reach out instead. You found there were people who cared and were there for you, even though you hadn't asked. This forum is a wonderful place to talk about your feelings. We listen, understand, and never judge. Keep in touch.
Take care,
Phyllis
Hakuna_matata phyllis11904
Posted
Hello Phyllis and thankyou for your comment is say I had to die to start to understand depression I was so consumed with self pitty I failed to notice why I couldn't sleep at night and then it hit me the reason insomnia comes hand in hand with depression is it is a mental health problem allow me to explain
You see when you are upset in the day time you can pick the phone up and speak to a friend you sub-consciously know this and as this is a mental illness your mind wants you to suffer and the best time to make you suffer alone is at night knowing none of us intentionally want to be a burden on anyone and ring them late at night your mind knows this is the best time to strike so it will not allow you to sleep it takes over providing thoughts of dispear knowing your alone to deal with it of course you then end up tired and to exhausted to carry out daily tasks which in turn makes you feel worse this is so easily made into a lifestyle from which people myself included don't want to live I'd like ppl to realise that they are not useless worthless bad people they just need help to rebalance the mind and maybe some sleeping aids once you are rested properly things seem to be all that much clearer you can see yourself the answers your looking for there's absolutely no shame in asking for help we fall in life so we know how to pick ourselves up again I'm coping now with a plan of action I'm not sure I'll ever trust anyone that's my main problem but I'm ok with that I need to set myself small goals try to remember who I was before depression hot hold of me and do the things I used to do that I didn't do for anyone else but myself I'm taking it day by day and so far it's working there are tough times teary times and times of pure excitement I find that in reading other people's stories and experience I understand my problems more looking for solutions for theirs I often discover ways that'll help with mine also
phyllis11904 Hakuna_matata
Posted
I had never had clinical depression until 2015. It gradually creeped up on me and kept getting worse until I was no longer functioning. I didn't want to do anything or see anyone. I didn't even think there was any point in going to my doctor anymore. My doctor has known me for years and he knew there was definitely something very wrong. My husband and family made sure that despite myself I got the help I needed. I was never suicidal, although I was convinced that nothing would ever be alright again. My doctor had referred me to a psychiatrist who committed to the hospital for eight days. I was diagnosed with treatment resistant major depressive disorder with psychosis. One of the reasons I told my familyI didn't want to go to the doctor was that I didn't want to have to take medication. I have now been on medication since July 2015 that has literally given me my life back. I'm happy, sleeping well, and so grateful to be alive. I found this site while looking up information about my meds. As you said other peoples' experiences are often helpful and they know how you feel because they have been through that hell too. I know I didn't really understand until I experienced myself. Keep in touch.
Take care,
Phyllis
Hakuna_matata phyllis11904
Posted
I'm so happy your getting the help you need phyllis and I'm glad you decided to go on the medication what is the medication if it's not to bold to ask it's just I'm currently taking fluoxetine and there are frequent times I feel nothing not joy or sad like I'm numb I'm not sure if that makes any sense I tend to go to the gym an awful lot three or four times within every 24 hours each time at least an hour although it makes me feel better and helps me a lot it itself has become an obsession I'm its own right
phyllis11904 Hakuna_matata
Posted
venlafaxine and mirtazapine, dubbed California rocket fuel. Exercise is good for you physically and mentally. Keep in touch.
Take care,
Phyllis
hypercat phyllis11904
Posted
sandy67 Hakuna_matata
Posted
Oh my goodness thank god your friend was nearby! I have been incredibly close to taking a load of painkillers but the thought of my children having to live with that has stopped me. Sometimes I think"why not just book an all inclusive to Barbados first and sod the debt" at least live a bit before I go. I'm glad you're in a better place now and sorry you went through such a bad time! X
hypercat Hakuna_matata
Posted
Thank goodness your friend called round and saved you! I heard a story once of a young man who took a massive overdoes of paracetomol who woke up in hospital and decided he wanted to live after all. Unfortunately he had taken so many he destroyed his liver and he died 3 days later. Makes you think doesn't it? latyerlater/
wayne1962 Hakuna_matata
Posted
Hi Superfluous - what an event you recount! Guess it just wasn't your time to go. Totally agree with your last line of advice - a potential suicide has the duty to explore every avenue of help before acting on that final step. Glad you are here to tell your story.
daniela61077 Hakuna_matata
Posted
It is a very sad story and scary in the same time
Yes you were surrounded by cold and darkness but now you are surrounded by light , warm feelings and love as your friends really cares about you .
God gave you a purpose in life and that is why he saved you sending his Angels to help you .
You are helping now lots of people with your story and I hope they all choose LIFE.
Hakuna_matata daniela61077
Posted
Seems I'm very much like job to god at the moment keeps in the respect he pushing me
Maybe I'm being tested or he has made another crazy bet with Satan
The difference is of course I'm not celebrating in his name I'm more resentful than job ever was
The prom footsteps used to give me strength now I find it rather patronising I pray to slip away every night and yet he seems to be mocking me Infact i feel rather ostracised by him
srk904471 Hakuna_matata
Posted
life is worth living.
Hakuna_matata srk904471
Posted
Maybe not without self control!! I've started to think as death again as the envitable why do we prolonge it anyway your never going to get out a live right
So suppose life's a game of sorts win or lose is up to the individual but everybody plays yeah I think I'm just about as low as they can get again although I'm not upset by it I don't feel anything at all actually I'm not sure if that's worse than the fear of dying or the fear of living I'm numb just filled with hatred for those whom put me here funny really because as much as I hate them I couldn't hurt them time I think to take myself to the gym and realease those feel good hormones ya know I think I'm just sick of being alone
srk904471 Hakuna_matata
Posted
death is inevitable, of course. what can be purpose of human life?
i strongly believe, with absolute conviction that it is to eveolve. for those who suffer from depression, goal is to transcend brain. we are not brain. it is true that a lot of happiness depends on brain condition but mind can be made to transcend brain. and our deepest self element (soul) is even superior to mind. Soul is bliss itself, when realised.
so we should use this life as opportunity to evolve and make spiritual progress, even if it is full of hard struggle.
true pleasure and happiness is sometimes follows pain.
hypercat Hakuna_matata
Posted
Let go of the darkness and let the sunshine in.