I know I have no right..

Posted , 3 users are following.

I am currently staying with my parents in Cornwall..being looked after and spoilt rotten. Yesterday I drove my daughter to Uni in Wales, stopped at 5* hotel on way back, £125 a night..mum paid, stopped at shopping centre where my mum gave me £50 to spend but used her card for everything. Since arriving here on Wednesday she has kitted me out with a new wardrobe and I haven't gone without a thing. I am now sitting in bed, looking across at the bed my daughter slept in breaking my own heart..the quilt is even in the shape of her. :-( Feel like my heart has been ripped out. My youngest daughter moved in with her dad last year, the man who abused me mentally and physically for over 13 years, again, she ripped my heart out when she left. I have been a mum since I was 18, it's all I know what to do. I'm lost and scared. I have a husband back at home who says he loves me. A couple of weeks ago we had a huge row, I left for a week, when I went back I move into my daughter's old room. I love him but I don't love our life, there's nothing about it I like. He was knocked unconscious by his own brother 6 months ago leaving him with a brain injury and broken back..it's been hard. He struggles with all relationships, is forgetful, approachable, nasty and shouts all the time. I know none of which is his fault. After my leaving he has admitted he needs help, that he isn't 'ok'. After various blood tests and ECG all results are good, which means the way he is is down to what his brother did to him. It's hard to accept that, even if he says he forgives him I'm not sure I can..it's ruined our marriage and our life. I decided to go cold turkey from my citralopram a few weeks back, after 2/3 weeks of suffering I know it was the best thing to do..I can now think straight and deal with things..the tablets made me into a zombie. I wasn't angry or violent anymore..I wasn't anything. I asked my husband to give me space, till I'd done the Uni thing to work out what I want but I'm not sure I still know. The big problems our marriage will never change. I will always have had been abused, my ex will always haunt me and affect what I do, my daughter will always have moved out and my oldest daughter will ways go on to big and better things..I'm so proud of her but miss her so much. I'm selfish, I'm the first to admit that. I wasted so many years of my life stuck in a relationship I don't want to waste anymore..I love my husband and his family but can't help but feel let down, he said he'd look after me, make it all ok bit I don't think he knew what he was getting himself in for. I think I'm too messed up for him to ever understand. I shouldn't think for one minute anyone will read my waffling on, just wanted to get it out of my head so I can sleep. Thank you forum for being there for me, again. Goodnight. X

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  • Posted

    Writing a diary is good, its like a friend who you can trust with everything. I appreciate your situation must be tough, but you can always work at it! Positive is as positive does, I find that you have to ask yourself questions to come up with solutions. How can I come up with an agreement to spend time with my daughter? How can I bring my husbund and I closer together. It sounds tedious, but instead of looking at things as a problem, see them as a challenge that you have to find solutions for. Hope this helps, and I did read it all smile Sometimes its just deciding to see it from that perspective and persevering in that mindset. Maybe start up yoga or meditation classes-yoga is good for relaxation
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  • Posted

    Sounds like karmas on its way, stay strong and smile. 
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    • Posted

      I'm a strong believer in Kuala but for the last year I'm wondering if it's coming for me instead. My nasty ex and is horrible girlfriend are expecting a baby while I'm losing everything. They don't deserve a baby, he is sexist and racist and obviously thinks it's ok to hit and mentally abuse women..he's always wanted a son, looks like he's getting one..I don't understand anymore. I try to be a good person, I don't judge and I would do anything for anyone but I'm being punished for something. My husband wants to sort it out, he is trying so hard to go back to how he was but I'm not sure it's what I want..I think it's too late..Love isn't everything. He'll be ok, I'm sure of it, he'll move on and meet someone else. I'm looking at private renting as far from anyone as I can, be alone, where it's looking like I'm going to end up anyway. Tablets don't work for me, counselling doesn't work for me. I give up. Today I am going to go to my favourite place in the world, Tintagel, sit by the sea and ask it what I'm doing, what I should do. Maybe it knows coz i sure don't. Thank you for reading and replying..Sorry for going on. X
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