Posted , 3 users are following.
I am currently staying with my parents in Cornwall..being looked after and spoilt rotten. Yesterday I drove my daughter to Uni in Wales, stopped at 5* hotel on way back, £125 a night..mum paid, stopped at shopping centre where my mum gave me £50 to spend but used her card for everything. Since arriving here on Wednesday she has kitted me out with a new wardrobe and I haven't gone without a thing. I am now sitting in bed, looking across at the bed my daughter slept in breaking my own heart..the quilt is even in the shape of her. :-( Feel like my heart has been ripped out. My youngest daughter moved in with her dad last year, the man who abused me mentally and physically for over 13 years, again, she ripped my heart out when she left. I have been a mum since I was 18, it's all I know what to do. I'm lost and scared. I have a husband back at home who says he loves me. A couple of weeks ago we had a huge row, I left for a week, when I went back I move into my daughter's old room. I love him but I don't love our life, there's nothing about it I like. He was knocked unconscious by his own brother 6 months ago leaving him with a brain injury and broken back..it's been hard. He struggles with all relationships, is forgetful, approachable, nasty and shouts all the time. I know none of which is his fault. After my leaving he has admitted he needs help, that he isn't 'ok'. After various blood tests and ECG all results are good, which means the way he is is down to what his brother did to him. It's hard to accept that, even if he says he forgives him I'm not sure I can..it's ruined our marriage and our life. I decided to go cold turkey from my citralopram a few weeks back, after 2/3 weeks of suffering I know it was the best thing to do..I can now think straight and deal with things..the tablets made me into a zombie. I wasn't angry or violent anymore..I wasn't anything. I asked my husband to give me space, till I'd done the Uni thing to work out what I want but I'm not sure I still know. The big problems our marriage will never change. I will always have had been abused, my ex will always haunt me and affect what I do, my daughter will always have moved out and my oldest daughter will ways go on to big and better things..I'm so proud of her but miss her so much. I'm selfish, I'm the first to admit that. I wasted so many years of my life stuck in a relationship I don't want to waste anymore..I love my husband and his family but can't help but feel let down, he said he'd look after me, make it all ok bit I don't think he knew what he was getting himself in for. I think I'm too messed up for him to ever understand. I shouldn't think for one minute anyone will read my waffling on, just wanted to get it out of my head so I can sleep. Thank you forum for being there for me, again. Goodnight. X
0 likes, 4 replies