I lost any hope

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Hi people, this feeling is ruining my life.. I have kind of obsession that I need to feel guilty because I was searching some weird or stupid stuff on web when I was curious or bored. I feel that everyone around me knows exacly everythi g what I was looking or searching and that they hate me because of it. The thing is i dont remember my every search of course but what i remember there wasnt anything too bad. But my mind tells me i dont remember something i would feel guilty about... When someone hurt me i feel like they know the truth that i dont know. I sometimes feel very guilty and paranoid and cut myself or take a lot pills at once to punish myself. I wouldnt find anyone that truly love me no matter what i did... Because i did... My mind tells me i did something wrong i shodnt be able to live with it. When i find out what is it i will go crazy. Im livi g with this for a year and it only gets worse. Im never relaxed or enjoying life. Always need to prove im not hurting anyone. I cry every single day and sometimes im very suicidal. Im losing myself. Please help! Is this obsession or what? How can i stop feeling that guilty and live life?

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    Curiosity is the downfall of many.People browse the net and come across things that horrify, or please, for years to come.

    You have had negative experiences and that makes you feel guilty because you feel you may have contributed or participated in it.

    Only you know what you saw or done while watching whatever it was, and because you are a good person at heart you are beating yourself up.

    I no longer browse the Web in that way, randomly.

    I inadvertently witnessed a surgeon operating on his own face while under local anaesthetic, horrible. And also viewed a lovely Germany shepherd dog being strangled by a giant anaconda snake, sickening.

    Neither of these can I forget, neither of these would I want to have viewed.

    Different to your experience probably, but unplanned, as I am sure your experiences were.

    Mike.

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  • Posted

    I know how you feel. I'm hurting and I've lost all hope. I'm currently in hospital in bodmin Cornwall it feels like a jail. I feel like I'm being punished. I've searched through my entire life trying to work out what I've done wrong. 20 years ago yes Imay have done something wrong but I've been punished for that. Why should I still be punished? I have cigarette burns on my arm from when they dragged be from the corner of the smoking courtyard and crushed the cigarette I let go of out against my arm inside my jacket sleve. I said it was burning me but they refused to listen. I've scuff marks on the top of the toes of my shoes from that night in here. Everyone is terrified in here. Staff and patients. Everyone is human but I don't feel human anymore you surely don't treat humans like this? I would kill myself I really wish I was dead but I promised a random Dr in the ward I was on before I would do everything I could to keep myself safe here. I've lost everything external to myself if I break my promise then I've lost my trust. Once people don't trust you it's very hard to get it back. My promises my word has kept me safe so many times over the years I refuse to break my promise. The other ward was helping me in the end the nurse said sorry for the way he had been communcating. It was like a miricale someone admitting they had done wrong and appologising. I forgave him I could see that he had been hurt by patients behaviour in the past. Everyone moved on. I wrote the ward a poem about mitral expectations the thing they keep bashing me with here. I expect the crap treatment now but I really need help now not this. I don't think I'm entitled to any treatment on the NHS I don't know why I don't know what I've done wrong. I don't understand the NHS is awesome it's a honour to work in it. Or it should be.

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  • Posted

    First if you are Suicidal and you are at risk call NHS Helpline on Tel 111, they will triage and work out a way forward with your Mental Health. and Nurosis.

    One thing you at least need to do is make an appointment with your GP. Write a list, and take it with you, the list will jog Your Memory and help you get the most out of your Appointment.

    With regard the Web and feeling guilty and worrying if you are hurting anyone. Sometimes on these site types I can also worry even when I have done nothing wrong. In your case write a list of where you have been or actually record the title page so you can follow it later on.

    You can also enter your memory, regards where you have been this records each site visited and within this section we can actually clean out all the old stuff we have visited. On the right hand side of the screen at the top you will see three horazontal lines, they lead to various tasks. Go into More tools and enter browsing history, you will find a list of all your footprints. I go in there to rub out my web history and that cleans my computer and increases the speed again

    BOB

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  • Posted

    Hey,

    I feel your pain. I have silmar problem you have and I sadly still can't find a way to get a little freedom from this hell. I know how strange this feeling can be and you need to know that you are brave and you can get rid of this. I often feel like I'm bad person and have these obsessions as you, but I don't think you can be bad just because you have searched something out of cuirosity. Your brain wants to find something, some ''mistake'' you made to make you feel bad and panic... and that is the main problem, not what have you searched... That's my opinion and I'm not dr or psychologist I'm just in your shoes for a long time.... 

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