1. Community
  2. Mental health
  3. Alcohol Consumption

I lost my trust in my husband due to alcohol issues...please help

Posted , 6 users are following.

SophiaK
SophiaK

Hi everyone,

I am married for 7 years. My husband has been always drinking occasionally (sometimes he does not drink for weeks, and sometimes he drinks 1-2 times per week). This would not be a problem. The problem is that from time to time he drinks 2-3 glasses of wine without eating. He drives like that. He arrives home and I can say he was drinking. His speech is different, his eyes are different. Many times he denied it...sometimes after numerous asking he confessed. My trust is completely broken by now. When he comes home and acts in a weird way, I always think he drank. I cannot prove it and when he denies it, I am left alone with my suspicious and sad feelings. Here is the deal. When he is tired or hungry with low blood sugar, he acts like he drank even when he did not. But how could I be sure? What should I do? Do you have any advice?

Thank you in advance.

0 likes, 14 replies

14 Replies

  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 SophiaK

    Posted

    Hi Sophia...I totally understand your concern about his driving after he has been drinking...very dangerous and also illegal...

    However the amount he drinks is very, VERY small and a safe amount ..if you question him constantly you will make him paranoid, hurt and upset, so he will hide it even more....please try to be fair with him.you are blessed to have a LOVELY man..take care both....hugs Deirdre xxx

  • Bigbee
    Bigbee SophiaK

    Posted

    Hi

    Your problem is one of the easiest ones Ive read about on here.He obviously doesn't have a drink issue like most of us on here.I'm not sure why he drives when he could be over the limit .Maybe buy him a breatherliser ? They''re only a few bob and may answer the problem

  • Richardt
    Richardt SophiaK

    Posted

    Hi its not your responsibility to nanny your husband, by nagging him about drink, u are both adults if he once to drink its up to him, he is not a child below 16 years, l feel sorry for your husband, u are both adults let each other free dear, he is coming to u every day bcz he loves u, l use to hide drinking too much alcohol to my wife, and it ended in divorce, cheers .
  • SophiaK
    SophiaK

    Posted

    Thank you for your honesty. I know this does not sound very problematic. But when your husband comes home wobbling with a slurred speech, and you realize he drove like that...he bought unnecessary things...or forgot something he had to do, that is concerning to me. We thought about the breathalizer. But that does not feed trust.

    I do not want to get on his nerves and make him feel that I need to parent him. That is why I asked for help? Should I just look away. Should I just say: I think you drank but that was your decision, let's not talk about it? If a problem looks small compared to other problems, should we just ignore it? (I am NOT sarcastic here). Thank you smile

  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 SophiaK

    Posted

    Hi Sophie, obviously I see your great concern of that...could you come to an agreement that if he is going to have a few drinks, he does not drive home

    ...that could have dire icons, he could kill someone...kill a passenger...cause a crash....kill himself....be arrested....wreck his car and probably more.....remind him that if anything ever, ever happened...he cannot !!! Turn the clock back.....

    He could drink at home...get a taxi...go to a local pub....

    I am sorry, you must be sooo worried about this......

    I cannot drive...but as a recovering alcoholic.....it is never worth it...I am so, so glad that I couldn't....in my thoughts,..we all sympathize with you.....hugs to you....Deirdre xxx

    • SophiaK
      SophiaK deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Hi Deirdre,

      I have no idea how many times he promised that. I have no issue if he drinks few glasses of wine after dinner...he does not know what actually triggers him when he decides to drink and then he drives home. He says that he still can control the car....well...I am not sure. Thank you for your support everyone

  • dontknow
    dontknow SophiaK

    Posted

    Hi Ya Sophiak

    A little confused? you say your husband acts wierd when hes hungry with low blood sugar. Is he diabetic? or has he been checked out by his GP for diabetes? You could be wrongly accusing him if he acts this way when not taking a drink?????

    Drink driving, NO NO NO NEVER EVER. I am a professional driver. I leave for work i think of my grandchildren, i see a child playing in the street, i slow down. Just ask him how he would feel if he killed a child whilst under the influence.

    Lastly, apart from the driving bit your hudband seems to be a reasonably low level social drinker??? So the question has to be asked, do you have a problem with alcohol? or have you in the past? or possibly a past relationship where an x had a driniking problem?

    Keep talking to each other, dont be afraid to be honest. 7 years is a long time married in these modern times, well done to both of you. "Good Luck".

    Allan

     

    • SophiaK
      SophiaK dontknow

      Posted

      Hi there,

      No, he is not diabetic. However, when he does not eat for a long time, his blood sugar drops and he start acting weird. Like if I am hungry, I get dizzy and very grumpy smile Several times he admitted drinking or I found the empty wine box in his car for example. But yes, sometimes I have no idea which one the issue is. We talked about this several times especially about the driving part.

      He both like drinking some wine after dinner. Then we go to sleep...no issue. I never drink during a day, I never even drink in company, just when I am home and it is the evening.

      Sometimes I think this is not even about the alcohol. It seems to me that it is a tool for him but the real reason lies in his cognition that could be a bit distorted. On the other hand, he attended therapy...nothing really changed.

    • dontknow
      dontknow SophiaK

      Posted

      Hi Ya Sophia

      I hear the frustration and stress, you are obviously very concerned.

      You say he has problems with his cognition and has recieved therapy. Was the therapy 1to1, group, CBT etc and was or has he been diagnosed with any specific disorder?? was it private or was he refered by GP?

  • SophiaK
    SophiaK

    Posted

    We agreed that we are going to buy a breathalizer. In that way we can check and false accusations will not ruin our marriage anymore.

    Can anyone recommend a brand, type, etc? I heard that most of them are not very accurate, but as long as it can show if there is alcohol in his system, I am fine with that. And yes, I am aware that some food items can actually show up as alcohol. (or maybe that is a myth)

  • RHGB
    RHGB SophiaK

    Posted

    Well, I'm going to disagree with the others and give you a different opinion. Having been the person doing the drinking in the relationship, I can tell you a view from the 'other side'. I was never really a morning drinker (unless going on holiday etc., when normal rules don't apply) but I was a very heavy (and I mean heavy) evening drinker and weekend lunchtimes over abou 25 years.

    When I went into hospital last year for a stroke, I went jaundiced, they detoxed me and pulled 10 litres off my liver due to ascities. So, I do have some experience in this field.

    Alcoholics/heavy consistent drinkers (daily) lie, not because they're bad people, but because a drug has gotten hold of them. From the sounds of it, your husband is drinking far more than he is admitting to, and deep down, I think you know this. You can happily drink 2-3 glasses of wine a day and be fine. When you start to drink heavily, you lose your appetite, because the body absorbs all the calories from that, they are also easy calories for the body to absorb.

    People are embarrassed about it, cognitive dissonance enters their mind and overtakes their emotions, because they know what they are doing is not good, but alcohol has a hold of them. People who drink heavily are good liers, they can hide alcohol d deny having it whilst keeping a straight face (i.e. not looking guilty). I was always quite open myself, but I know a couple of people who have died through alcoholism, when through a paracetamol overdose brought on by her alcoholism. It was my best mate's wife. Now he likes a beer ( a lot) and she was a senior nurse, something like intensive care/theatre nurse.

    She had blood tests because she was having what seemed to be allergic reactions. They said to my mate, does shes have a drink problem, and he said 'no, if anyone in our family does, it's me'. The nurse said, that everything in the tests pointed to an enlarged liver. He honestly had no idea. It was only when his daughter started to find half bottles of vodka stashed around the house that he began to realise.

    When I was coming off the alcohol earlier this year after a relapse, I left my cash and cards on the table, and I know my wife checked everyday (I've lived with her for 25 years, I know her) that it was still there. If I had wanted alcohol, I would just have taken a few hundred quid out of the cash machine and then left the £20 and change and cards on the side, she would have been happy that I wasn't drinking elsewhere and just the tapering alcohol and then cold turkey. But that is the sort of level that someone addicted to alcohol will stoop to, to cover it up.

    You can get low blood sugar levels, but if that happens, even though you may not be hungry, you generally reach for something sweet, like a bag of sweets to stop your body craving for something like that to give instance satisfaction.

    I don't in anyway mean to knock your intelligence or your husband's character, I just wanted to give you an alternative view.

    • SophiaK
      SophiaK RHGB

      Posted

      I appreciate your view very much smile On the other hand, I do not think that this is the case. Yes, sometimes I cannot prove if he drank or not....however, I have a very strong sense to tell id someone is lying. It is in my blood. Maybe because I had a lot of experiences with my father. He was not a heavy drinker. He was not supposed to drink or smoke. I was always the one who caught him. Or found evidence totally out of nowhere. Probably that is why my husband mostly admits when he drinks during the day. As I wrote in my original post, it is not something that happens every day. Now I understand that you might say: well, or you just cannot tell. Maybe every time he says it is his blood sugar, he lies and if I cannot find evidence, it is up to me what I believe. He has no credit (we lived and worked in Canada for a long time). Therefore, we have one joint account....no secret credit cards. I can see when he takes cash out, I can see if he has a suspicious purchase, but as I wrote I can clearly tell when he drinks. Sometimes other people are around. Nobody else suspects it, but I can see the tiniest symptoms. It is the constant fear and mistrust that bother me....because I know that many times I accuse him without a reason or I expect him to make a mistake. That obviously hurts our marriage.
    • SophiaK
      SophiaK

      Posted

      Oh OFF topic...to give you an idea about my senses. My husband broke his nose long time ago. His sinuses often get infected and cannot clear out because when he broke his nose it did not heal correctly. Once in a while I can smell his nose....yes...his nose breath smells like bad garlic...sorry :D He went to the doctor. The doctor said he could not smell anything, the nurse said the same, my mom in law said the same. Once my hubby went to a nose specialist, he said it is absolutely possible that I can smell the infection. Same thing with my hearing and vision. I can detect the smallest distortion in voice eye-movement, balance, etc. I am not trying to justify that I am 100% sure that my husband only drinks when I can detect it....but I am pretty sure smile
    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 RHGB

      Posted

      good reply and you are beeing very honest with us all. I do wish you all the best and you seem to be recovering after so long. Good going!
Back to top

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.