I love my boyfriend, but he yells a lot and blames his PTSD/mental illness
Posted , 2 users are following.
hi everyone, (this is long....)
I have been dating a retired Officer in the Army(-active duty) for four months now. He was diagnosed with PTSD 2 years ago. He also got out of the Army 2 years ago and had reconstructive knee surgery 18 months ago that caused him to stay in bed for 6 months. His ex girlfriend cheated on him right before he got out of the Army after a year and a half of dating. He's a great guy when I first met him, he was loving and caring, protective and fun. He works out a lot and runs a lot since he was told he probably would never be as physically fit as he was in the Army after his surgery. I understand he has come a long ways and applaud him for doing so. He's the most handsome man I have ever met. He talks about marriage and wanting to be with me forever and having a wonderful life a lot. (sounds amazing) I am in the Army National Guard. I go on orders a lot and every time I do, he always questions my loyalty towards him, saying he know how guys are in the Army. He always asks if any of the enlisted males or male officers talk or look at me. He always reiterates his boundaries and even laughing and joking with other males are a form of flirting, which I don't cross because I don't want to hurt him(because of his past). Everyday, if im busy working and i don't respond for more than 3 hours he thinks im cheating on him, when i'm really and honestly busy, im a NCO. He says i have time to respond, Im a part of a CERFP team that deals with CBRNE and were in suit, setting up lanes, instructing on decontamination. In the last two weeks we've been arguing a lot because he always needs reassurance that i love him, that im loyal to him, that im committed and faithful. I always tell him and he always just says, you know ive been hurt and I trust you, I just need to hear it from you. I call him the first chance I get, I message him whenever I can, I update him and let him know what were doing that day, I FaceTime him whenever I have the opportunity. All my co workers know were in a relationship. I eat with only females so he doesn't suspect me of cheating. When I'm done work I go home to him, when i'm away for work, he comes to visit me or we FaceTime til we fall asleep. I truly love him and care about him and do the best I can for him and this relationship. BUT what took the cake is, we were making love one night, he stops in the middle of it and got soft, the proceeds to ask why my vagina feels looser? and says sorry but i have to ask, are you sleeping with other guys? I lost it, like when do I have time and or energy? why would I when I'm devoted, loyal, and committed to him? I had no energy to fight or argue. I was hurt at the fact that he would say those things to me and question me. He apologized and said it was his mental illness. Like he's been saying for the past two weeks when we fight, its his mental illness. I try my best to understand him, talk calmly, when he yells. I try not to say too much as I don't want to trigger him. I ask him to stop yelling, but he keeps going on and on and on about the same thing. Its getting frustrating. I forgave him for what happened that night, we haven't physically seen each other in a week because I've been away from work. He promised he will be better, trust me more, listen better and not yell. It's been 3 days and he did it again. He says he doesn't know why i get so mad at him like its the end of the world when he yells at me. I just don't understand him and his PTSD and mental illness. But I've tried to ask him about it but thats a trigger for him, I asked him to help me to understand him, he said I need to figure it out. Im tired of arguing and not being trusted because of what his ex did to him. I don't want to give up on him and I want to support him. I even asked if he wants to go to counseling together or see a Dr. together so I can see what I can do to be there for him. He said he doesn't need help. He says people don't care about him, when he got out no one cared about him. He always says he doesn't matter. "I dont know what he went through" Thats the truth, I dont know what he went through, and I cant if he doesnt tell me. What can I do to help him? what can I do better? What am I doing wrong?
Thank you all for your support and responses in advance !
0 likes, 3 replies
sam18386 tiana12916
Posted
hi tiana, i wouldn't stand for that! can i tell you somethin g? i have PTSD. you are best to be treated for it. it's really tough, REALLY tough, it's awful, frightening, scary, relentless UNLESS you get help. don't take no off him, IF he cares for you he'll meet you half way. what he's doing is sick, that's beyond a joke, it's like abuse... give him an ultimatum, therapy or you say bye. sometimes you have to be blunt, seriously though.... look after you, you can only care for him if you look after you and he gets OUTSIDE! i do wish you luck.....🤞🤞🤞
tiana12916 sam18386
Posted
hi Sam,
thank you for your honesty. I really want to be there for him and help him get through this, but at this point I honestly feel i cant because he wont take the necessary steps or let me help. I know having PTSD is really hard, not that I know, but that ive seen others struggle, but they all made a choice to want to be better or to try and get the help they needed to be better not just for themselves but for those around them. I simply wanted to see if there was anything else I could possibly do to help support him or any other resource or way that others know to understand him better. I understand and have been reading a lot on it in the last days and too have come to the conclusion that it is abuse, emotional abuse. I just dont want to hear him say, if i leave him, no one will care if he dies or that if I leave him he'll have no reason to continue living, again. I dont want his words to weigh on me or I dont want him to hurt himself. Thats my next issue...
sam18386 tiana12916
Posted
hi tiana, why don't you approach this through joint counselling as a last ditch attempt to help. if he doesn't do this i think you have your answer. you can only offer support, you can't make anyone. i don't think i have used my PTSD as a weapon and i've really suffered! i have struggled with it yet and it's affected our relationship like that but it's not an excuse. i think you still need to look after you. whatever you decide make it best for you. You matter, that's all!