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I'm a mess.

Posted , 4 users are following.

JaredC
JaredC

Few days back i had a complete breakdown and i spent the night sitting in the emergency waiting room just completely fed up with myself trying to compose myself. I just sat there and every hour a different nurse would ask me if i was okay and i wanted so badly to just cry but nothing came out but "i'm fine" or when i was asked why i was there a "i'm waiting on somebody." It was the first time i'd ever been to a hospital and everything was happening so fast i didn't know what to do. My mom had been phoning me and blowing up my phone trying to figure out where i'd been since before dinner and i just couldnt bring myself to tell her that i wanted to kill myself. On top of that work was calling me trying to figure out why i never showed up for work and i still haven't called them back, and to be quite frank i don't know what to say to them, without seemingly like i was just trying to blow off work. I've already been written up before for not showing up and i'm afraid that i just lost my job.

Instead of doing anything about it i spent the last two days feeling ignoring what had just happened and i actually felt good. I was smilling and i went a saw a lot of my friends i havent seen in months and brought them coffee at work and made a bunch of plans for next week, that now i really have no interest in following through. Even finally set up a meeting with a therapist.

Today, i went and saw my bestfriend who knows the most about my depression after avoiding confrontation with him. But this time was different, usually when i go to see him it's to feel better because he just knows what to say and i never leave feeling worse than i came. But today i felt nothing, absolutely no connection, i didn't even feel like i was talking to a friend. I told him that everything with me was great and i tried making conversation but it just was not there. 

The weirdest part is that right now i don't feel angry, sad, tired.. I'm just sort of here thinking about what this last week was like and how i got to this point without being able to being able to stop and evaluate what i was doing. I'm at a point where i starting to question if there's even really a point of trying to get help when i keep going through these cycles where i get help, feel like crap, breakdown, tell everybody i'm doing a lot better, and feel like i'm hopeless because i'm not okay.

I feel bad because ever since i joined this forum in attempt to get some advice all i've been doing is complaining about poor me, when i know they're people who have it so much worse than me. People who actually have a reason or explaination to why they feel the way they are. People who read what i post and think i'm just some person who's looking for attention. I'll admit that sometimes i am looking for attention and somebody to say something but it's coming from a genuine place because i don't know what the hell i'm doing or why i'm even doing it. It's extremely frustrating when i wake up and i don't know who i am or what i want. Everybody around me has SOMETHING going for them, they have goals, relationships, etc. that they want and i don't have any or want any of that and it really begs the question why i'm living anymore? I don't want to live for anything. I don't want to grow to have a family. I don't have a desire to work because there's nothing i want. But i don't want to hurt people and have them think that they could of done more when i genuinely beleive i'm screwed and it's the only thing left for me.

Really what good does me writting this do me? or any of you that'll waste your time reading this garbage. I genuinely feel bad for everybody who has to deal with me, i'm more than a mess. I'm a self made mess that i'm imposing on everybody else. It's pathetic. I'm sorry.

 

1 like, 8 replies

8 Replies

  • hypercat
    hypercat JaredC

    Posted

    Hey you are not a self made mess - you are suffering from depression.  That is not your fault,  you didn't ask for it and you don't deserve it any more than any of us do.  

    Depression doesn't care how much or how little you have in your life and strikes at random.   These are the thoughts you are listening to - the negative thoughts of depression.  They are not real so do not listen to them please.   Ok you feel like this now but you won't forever if you carry on with your meds and counselling.  Life is about change and it will change for you too I promise you.  

    Not everyone has goals or relationships you know - I don't for one.  If everyone thinks you are ok then how do you know others are  ok?   Other people can be very good at covering up too you know.  

    No one is a hopeless case and everyone including you is salvagable.  Depression is a b....r and really screws your life up and I speak from a lot of experience.  

    We all get it here honestly and no one here is every going to think you are a waste of space or pathetic.  I think you are very courageus in admitting you have an illness,  and for seeking treatment for it.  It isn't easy is it?  But then worthwhile things never are and you are very worthwhile.  I don't even know you but I care about you and can relate to you. 

    One thing which would help you (from my own experience) is to start opening up to people you can trust ie family or friends.   They can't help you if they don't know what is wrong can they?   Be very choosy who you tell though as many don't understand depression and can make you feel worse.  If you take very small steps with people you can judge who are likely to understand and who don't.   If they don't  then make light of it.  The relief of finding others to talk to though is well worth the risk.  I open up a lot more than I used to and consequently get more support.   I have had some wonderful discusions with other folk who suffer like I and all of us do and it's great.   A lot more folk than you realise suffer you know.  I was amazed at how many of my friends or aquaintances do which I wouldn't have know about.

    As far as work goes do what I did when I felt like you and didn't go in for work and they and family kept trying to find me.  I said I had a panic attack.   Tell them something they can understand and not judge you for.   Take care  Bev xx

     

    • JaredC
      JaredC hypercat

      Posted

      Thanks for the reply. How am supposed to open up to people? It's really not something i can see myself doing. I can't tell friends or family that i tried to top myself off when i already have very few and i'd prefer not to push them away entirely.

      I feel like everyday i'm losing another part of me. I really miss wanting to do things. I miss looking forward to plans and being around other people and enjoying it. I'm watching myself throw my life away, little by little, and i'm just really not seeing the point of trying to get better. What's the point of beating a dead horse?

      Everybody says it will get better, but i honestly don't think it will. 

    • hypercat
      hypercat JaredC

      Posted

      Hi no of course you can't just blurt out that you tried to top yourself!  But what's to stop you from taking an opportunity and just saying as an aside that you have been diagnosed as suffering from  depression?   Then wait for their responses.  Do it one at a time,  very low key and see how they respond?   If they show no interest ok don't go any further.  If they do then just say a bit about it.   The whole story is far too much to lay on people all at once and they wouldn't know how to respond.   If they show an interest tell them a bit at a time.  

      This depends of course whether you want to tell anyone?  If you don't then don't.   I can't see any of your family/or friends being scared away by that approach.   x

    • JaredC
      JaredC hypercat

      Posted

      At one point i did want to tell somebody but that was a while ago now.. and i did. The bud i mentioned. But i dumped it all on him because at the time i went cold turkey on my meds, and at the time it was either i told somebody everything or i waited for myself to crumble. I never actually spoke to him in person, and instead wrote him a 6 page letter. He read it and for the first week i was so stunned that i actually did that i was ignoring all his messages until i finally responded and he said:

      "I read your letter this morning. Still digesting it when I found out that a recent grad died on Tuesday, hit by a car. I have been in a little bit of a fog. I am not surprised about some of your letter, except the car incident. I feel like it is beyond me to help other than being able to listen and empathize, and be there for you when I can be. I wish that I had a magic wand to help you face all that you face. I can't be a magician, but I can listen. I really am touched that you trust me enough to tell me how you feel."

      "How are you doing? I have been so busy, yet I'm worried about how you are doing?"

      It was supportive, i know, and for that i don't feel as bad because he's really one of my best friends. But i'm pi****d at my self because i told him:

      "Sorry that i took so long to reply. A week ago my doctor had me start a new med and i've been just all over the place mentally and physically, plus i just finished working a 5 day work week. I knew you replied but i couldn't bring myself to read it until now and i feel bad for dropping a bomb like that and going mia. Everything right now is just moving too fast and i'm trying really really hard to keep myself together. I would really like to talk. I just don't know if i actually can right now. I'm still trying to process that i actually wrote that letter and gave it to you. I honestly don't know what else to say besides Thank You because i thought that you'd react differently."

      And ever since i've been acting like that didn't just happen, especially when i saw him the other day. He probably thinks i'm making this all up to get attention, or maybe he's not? But knowing that he knows as much as he does marinates in my mind and the fact that he simply just has not said anything about it makes me feel completely disgusted about myself.

      It's one of the reasons i've put off going to a counsellor. I hate feeling vulnerable, but at the same time i need to get help and it's a struggle. I don't think i could even repeat one line of the letter i wrote him, alone in my wrong aloud.

      I'm sorry that i keep writting you long posts to read rolleyes I just think that knowing somebody has read my whining helps me feel a little better. You've been extremely kind, thank you.

    • hypercat
      hypercat JaredC

      Posted

      Hi you are not whining,  but talking about depression which we all understand on here. 

      I understand how you feel coz I have been in that situation myself,  but I am just sitting here thinking what a wonderful friend you have to respond like that.  He is being very sensitive towards you and obviously doesn't want to upset you by talking about it.  It is up to you to bring it up with him if you want to talk.  I think you will find he means what he says about being there for you.  

      He probably feels a bit awkward but he is sticking by you.  Not all friends by any means would do that you know so treasure him.   He doesn't know quite how to treat you so open up again and have an honest chat with him.  Tell him what he can do to help and don't expect him to know automatically.   After all if a friend told you they had cancer how would you respond?   I know I wouldn't know what to say! 

      In order to get better you have to open up some to those who care about you as you will find it much harder to get better otherwise.  Your fantastic friend is one of your support network now.  

      Tell him how you feel and let him explain to you.  Ok?  Openess is the order of the day.   x

    • JaredC
      JaredC hypercat

      Posted

      I think i really needed to hear that. I guess i never thought about it that way. I don't know if i'm ready for confrontation yet so i guess i'll have to wait it out a bit, see where i'm at. It's my "friday" today and tomorrow i have to go see my doctor about my meds. I think right now, how i'm feeling is what people would consider hypomania and i think the zoloft i've been taking has been making it worse.

      I'm still just sort of lost you know? I don't really know what i'm doing or really why and it's just sort of a weird feeling. I think i'm going to try and see my friend in the next few days before he's off to Europe for two weeks. But if i don't end up seeing him before then i'm worried that i might end up visiting the hospital, just because i won't have a person.. I guess i'll have to wait and see.

      You know, when i joined this forum i never really expected much of it. But you, hypercat, have helped me see things from a different point of view and i appreciate it. I hope all is well in your world and i'm wishing you a good week. 

      thanks and take care!

    • hypercat
      hypercat JaredC

      Posted

      Hi jared I did try and reply to you earlier but the site (or my lappy) was very flakey and wouldn't work properly.

      Thank you very much for your feedback and I am very glad if I have helped a litte.   It's nice for me to get a reply like yours and makes me feel good smile 

      I have a friend with cancer,  and I was feeling awkward round her not knowing what to say.   So I asked her what would help her.  She said treating her like normal and never like an invalid.  This led to us having quite a few discussions about her cancer which I think have helped both of us.  

      I am glad you have got something from this forum love.  We all understand depression here so you are not alone.   The aim of all of us is to support and help each other and provide an outlet for us.   This forum has helped me a lot too and is a great site.  I wonder what we did before the internet? smile  x

  • linda55352
    linda55352 JaredC

    Posted

    Hi Im new to this but by no means depression and sometimes it helps to write how you feee. My depression is so bad that I cannot go out the house unless my daughter is with me.I have been put on all sorts of antidepressants and nothing helps .I lost my son age 27yrs and I cannot come to term's with it they have got me attending a phycologist but its so intense that it put me into panic mode .I just cannot see a light at the end of a tunnel I tell them I have good days and bad days but the good days are when I dont break down and cry

    It has had a massive impact on my life and the docs think a pill can help

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