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Few days back i had a complete breakdown and i spent the night sitting in the emergency waiting room just completely fed up with myself trying to compose myself. I just sat there and every hour a different nurse would ask me if i was okay and i wanted so badly to just cry but nothing came out but "i'm fine" or when i was asked why i was there a "i'm waiting on somebody." It was the first time i'd ever been to a hospital and everything was happening so fast i didn't know what to do. My mom had been phoning me and blowing up my phone trying to figure out where i'd been since before dinner and i just couldnt bring myself to tell her that i wanted to kill myself. On top of that work was calling me trying to figure out why i never showed up for work and i still haven't called them back, and to be quite frank i don't know what to say to them, without seemingly like i was just trying to blow off work. I've already been written up before for not showing up and i'm afraid that i just lost my job.
Instead of doing anything about it i spent the last two days feeling ignoring what had just happened and i actually felt good. I was smilling and i went a saw a lot of my friends i havent seen in months and brought them coffee at work and made a bunch of plans for next week, that now i really have no interest in following through. Even finally set up a meeting with a therapist.
Today, i went and saw my bestfriend who knows the most about my depression after avoiding confrontation with him. But this time was different, usually when i go to see him it's to feel better because he just knows what to say and i never leave feeling worse than i came. But today i felt nothing, absolutely no connection, i didn't even feel like i was talking to a friend. I told him that everything with me was great and i tried making conversation but it just was not there.
The weirdest part is that right now i don't feel angry, sad, tired.. I'm just sort of here thinking about what this last week was like and how i got to this point without being able to being able to stop and evaluate what i was doing. I'm at a point where i starting to question if there's even really a point of trying to get help when i keep going through these cycles where i get help, feel like crap, breakdown, tell everybody i'm doing a lot better, and feel like i'm hopeless because i'm not okay.
I feel bad because ever since i joined this forum in attempt to get some advice all i've been doing is complaining about poor me, when i know they're people who have it so much worse than me. People who actually have a reason or explaination to why they feel the way they are. People who read what i post and think i'm just some person who's looking for attention. I'll admit that sometimes i am looking for attention and somebody to say something but it's coming from a genuine place because i don't know what the hell i'm doing or why i'm even doing it. It's extremely frustrating when i wake up and i don't know who i am or what i want. Everybody around me has SOMETHING going for them, they have goals, relationships, etc. that they want and i don't have any or want any of that and it really begs the question why i'm living anymore? I don't want to live for anything. I don't want to grow to have a family. I don't have a desire to work because there's nothing i want. But i don't want to hurt people and have them think that they could of done more when i genuinely beleive i'm screwed and it's the only thing left for me.
Really what good does me writting this do me? or any of you that'll waste your time reading this garbage. I genuinely feel bad for everybody who has to deal with me, i'm more than a mess. I'm a self made mess that i'm imposing on everybody else. It's pathetic. I'm sorry.
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