I'm always feeling empty and cry regularly
Posted , 4 users are following.
I've never used a forum before so forgive me if it's wrong.
It all started when I was in primary school, I moved around a lot and got bullied wherever I went, I know it sound pathetic but even from an early age I felt like there was something wrong with me, because everyone else seemed so happy but I couldn't seem to even feel comfortable being around other people of my age- I sort of feared it. Then when I continued to high school the bullying got worse to the point where I considered taking my own life. Towards the last year of high school I began to get past the bullying, and for a long time I put that down to my emptiness and unhappiness but as the bullying stopped I couldn't understand why I felt so different to everyone else around me. I distinctively remember my science classes being a real problem for me as I was sat at the front I was scared to turn around and my whole body was tense and over focused on my breathing, to the point where I gave myself a headache every lesson. Although at this time I had made some good friends who were there for me, for some reason I still felt lonely, like there was some sort of ache inside that I couldn't get rid of, I used to cry every night over all these irrational thoughts. My parents also drink large amounts every other night shouting all night leaving me feeling very tired most days, this leaves me feeling like I can't talk to them when they are like this, I get so overwhelmed with everything that I end up angry at myself for feeling like this, the only thing I can think of doing in these times is digging my nails into myself, which itself makes me hate myself for being so weak, I feel like I can't talk to my friends about this cause some of them have real problems and I don't want to sound pathetic and have them judge me for not being my usual "happy" self. Last September I was made to move sixth form which despite having two of my close friends move with me, made me feel even more empty than before, I just can't stop thinking what is the point to everything and pretty much every night I'm up late panicking about death which is mad because when I get overloaded and can't stop crying most nights all I can think about is ending it. I'm just so tired all the time and I know I just sound ranty and hormonal but I just don't feel right inside. I still get worked up about my breathing in class causing me to try and hold my breath and even sometimes I tighten my hairband around my wrist really tight to try and distract me. I just feel so empty yet overwhelmed with everything, I don't feel normal. I have never told anyone any of this so sorry if it sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, I just felt I needed to put it all out there before everything gets too much for me and it's the only way I could think how. Sorry again for ranting.
3 likes, 4 replies
rebecca76002 alisha36824
Posted
Hi
You don't need to be sorry for the way you are feeling , anxiety and depression is really common there are so many people out there who suffer , unfortunately when you are younger it can be a lot More difficult to speak about and to find people that can relate , i suffered from both through out my whole teenage years and took me to the age of 25 to finally get help , you don't need to let it get this far , have you tried going to your doctor ? X
alisha36824 rebecca76002
Posted
Thank you for your reply. To answer your question, no I haven't been to see a doctor. Partly because I think that I'll just be wasting their time and also because I'm scared that if I say it all out loud it'll seem like I'm just being a drama queen. Also I don't want my parents to know how I feel because I can tell their reaction would just be to brush it off because they don't think that there is a problem.
wayne1962 alisha36824
Posted
Hi Alisha - so sorry to read of your situation. Many of us on this site will understand what you are describing, the social anxiety, the feeling of disconection and also the difficult circumstances of your home life where, perhaps, this condition has been caused and exacerbated. Feeling that you are not worth the effort and that mentioning your feelings will result in rejection is a common reaction because society has demonised mental health conditions and because it is so hard to explain how you feel and how it hurts - it's not like a broken bone where everyone understands there is a wound that needs healing. The situation with your parents drinking and shouting must be absolutely horrendous for you, especially with no power to stop them - I know how that feels and it diminishes a person.
The only way to tackle your condition is hands on. First, make an appointment with your doctor. Explain how you are feeling - don't hold back, his/her job is to listen and assist, and that can only be done if they know exactly where you stand. Meds may be prescribed - don't be frightened abbout that. Meds will help balance your mood so you can more easily tackle the underlying probelms that are causing depression. It is important to take the meds as instructed and not just give them up when you are feeling better. Meds are only part of the treatment, and will take 3-6 weeks to fully work. Ask the doc for a referral to a psychologist or counsellor or therapist. This will be a place where you can vent, cry, rage, dig down inside and understand and address the root causes of your depression. At first you will feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable, but it's important to stick to the program. Gradually you will more comfortable and able to open up. None of these professionals are there to dismiss, demean, or judge you. They are there to help, and if you don't feel comfortable seek another professional. There is no time frame to feeling better. It will take as long as it takes. You will find yourself empowered by acting to address your condition, you will learn about yourself and you will agther coping skills to deal with any situations where the negative thoughts/feelings arise. Also, you could see your school counsellor who should have avenues available to help you. Hang in there, you can do this, you are not alone, and we are always here to talk.
alisha36824 wayne1962
Posted