I'm an absolute failure. I hate being alive.
Posted , 6 users are following.
I've already posted here about 4 years ago, a long thread with a bit of a backstory. https://patient.info/forums/discuss/i-ve-been-on-and-off-depressed-for-13-years-now-i-m-just-tired-of-living--620998?page=0#2937055
I'm not really sure why I'm posting here again. I don't know if that's still depression what I feel. I guess maybe someone here will read my long story and can somehow relate.
So, I'm basically still at the same point in life, nothing much has changed in the last 4 years, despite me trying to better myself. I tried starting few different businesses, went kinda well in the beginning but then all of them failed miserably. Started working out harder and regularly, but I have such bad genetics so I didn't get any real results. I somehow managed to get a girlfriend few years ago when things seemed to go well, we are still together, but I feel guilty for wasting her time, she deserves to be with someone better.
I'm 34 now and I have nothing in my life. No path, no career, no money. Basically no friends. I even stopped talking to my parents. I developed so much hate towards my parents because of my traumatizing childhood. I'm very ashamed of myself so I don't talk to anyone.
I have failed at life. I tried my best and still failed over and over for the last 18 years. It's like I don't fit in this world. I'm so tired of it, tired of starting over. I should already have something in my life, some stability, a path or a career, some money, maybe starting a family... but I have nothing.
I wonder, what's next? I'm tired of suffering and failing. I haven't really lived, I have been poor most of my life. I have been waiting to be able to fulfill my very modest dreams, but I just keep failing...
I don't see any bright future for me. I have no real education. No valuable work experience. I absolutely hated every job I had. I would struggle to get even a very low paid job, but honestly I would rather die than do some s****y job again. Now I'm surviving of unemployment benefits.
I don't really know what to do anymore. Soon I will be 40 and the ''best'' years of my life are behind me. Within those years a failed to build a future for myself.
I hate being alive so much. Sometimes life teases me that things might get better, but then I suffer again over and over... I can't take it much longer and honestly what's the point anyway?
That's about it for now. If anyone took their time to read my story, I'm very grateful.
0 likes, 5 replies
jan34534 eugene07
Edited
you need some support and direction right now . everything that you shared is important and the best thing you can do is find a counselor or therapist to help you manage all of this. They have resources and can guide you in the right direction.
there’s a lot of help out there! help with jobs, help with finance, gaining a sense of self-worth, etc.
there are free or low-cost counselors in every community. You’ve got to do the work and find these things.
the past is the past and it doesn’t exist anymore. Yes it has done some damage but that can be repaired. Don’t dwell on the past,. Push forward.
You actually do have a job. And that is to take one day at a time and use that entire day to look for the support until you are exhausted. BE determined and stay focused.
One thing I had to learn was dwelling on the past and feeling sorry for myself got me absolutely nowhere.
you are still very young and have plenty of time to turn things around a little at a time. I know people who have turn their lives around at age 50! you can do it.
m76117 eugene07
Edited
hey there
i read your full story and can totally relate ....
i am in exactly the same position as you. i suffer from chronic anxiety. i fear everything and because i had so much trauma growing up, it has conditioned me to expect the worst. in any situation i always think far far ahead and think of every possible scenario that will go wrong.
so thats my anxiety.
now for how we are the same, im 32 smart inteligent and have NOTHING To show for it. i am about to be fired from my job and have nothing behind to back me up. i have no money but even worse - no direction. i could force myself to pick myself up, move forward but how if you lack direction and have no goals. i also have no family and no real friends. doing this s****y life all bymyself. again like you, i feel everytime there is a glimmer of hope, life slaps me in the face, and reminds me im not on this planet to be happy.
all the people i do know are well into their careers and have solid goals. i have nothing no hope, no direction, noone to talk to, no money, no job. what do i do, stay and keep suffering.
i also have some medical and dental issues, which some cost thousands which is great with no job. i really dont want to be here; but im too coward to do anything. i just dont want to be me. what do i do!????
m76117 eugene07
Edited
hey there
i read your full story and can totally relate ....
i am in exactly the same position as you. i suffer from chronic anxiety. i fear everything and because i had so much trauma growing up, it has conditioned me to expect the worst. in any situation i always think far far ahead and think of every possible scenario that will go wrong.
so thats my anxiety.
now for how we are the same, im 32 smart inteligent and have NOTHING To show for it. i am about to be fired from my job and have nothing behind to back me up. i have no money but even worse - no direction. i could force myself to pick myself up, move forward but how if you lack direction and have no goals. i also have no family and no real friends. doing this s****y life all bymyself. again like you, i feel everytime there is a glimmer of hope, life slaps me in the face, and reminds me im not on this planet to be happy.
all the people i do know are well into their careers and have solid goals. i have nothing no hope, no direction, noone to talk to, no money, no job. what do i do, stay and keep suffering.
i also have some medical and dental issues, which some cost thousands which is great with no job. i really dont want to be here; but im too coward to do anything. i just dont want to be me. what do i do!????
eugene07
Edited
Thank you for reading my story and for the replies .
About seeking help and support, I have done that countless times. Since I was 17 I visited therapists and psychiatrists. I have been diagnosed with depression and light mental instability. The thing about doctors is that they like to prescribe some medicine and it never really works in the long run. Saying the past is in the past, its not that simple. My childhood left me with a psychological trauma, which can't be fixed, you can only learn to live with it.
What has worked for me in the past is self help. Listening to philosophers and successful people who went through similar things as me. Basically all of them including therapists are talking about the same thing: stop thinking negatively, replace negative thoughts with positives, take one day at a time, find a path, eat healthy, exercise... and so on. It's all good and well and makes sense, but it works until it doesn't. I have tried taking many different career paths and often it went great in the beginning, had even some success, but inevitably everything has always failed, sometimes because of my instability but often because of some uncontrollable factors.
I have tried turning my life around so many times and I'm just getting tired of it. I know some people turn their lives around at like 50, but what kind of living is that? You suffer for most of your life and then have few good years when you are already old, that's still very depressing. I'm almost 35 and I have suffered and survived most of my life. I don't want to survive, I want to thrive while I'm still kinda young...
I'm not giving up, I never have. I'm still pushing on and keep going. But the grief, anger, depression and anxiety is still there and its not getting better with age. When I was younger I could afford to start all over again. But now I'm at a point in my life where I should already have at least something. I see most of my family and past friends have something in their lives, careers, starting families, fulfilling dreams. I feel like an absolute loser and failure, and I'm extremely ashamed of myself. I'm just getting tired of it and I don't know how much longer I can take it.
sam18386 eugene07
Edited
sorry snap i wish i was dead!