I'm at my wits end

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Bluegal
2

I'm at my wits end and am sure I'm close to a breakdown. My husband is no help. Everything is or rating the living daylights out of me and I'm getting so upset and angry. I don't know what to do with myself. I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and was prescribed medication but it made be sleep. I couldn't function whilst taking them. I've weened myself off them over the last month and have a Dr appointment scheduled in two weeks but I don't know if I can last that long. I'm considered ending it all but hav a family that I don't want to scar. Everything is so hard, each day I don't want to get out of bed because I know there will be a drama that will knock me. My husband is ignorant to it all. He does try, he asks how I am, he tries to help around the house and he works really hard but when I tell him I've had a bad day or I have a moan about something, he thinks it's all about him. He asked me why I'm blaming him all the time. I'm so angry right now, I want to leave but I have no where to go and no passport and no spare money. I wish God would just take me. Another reason why I can't end my own life is best cause I won't go to heaven and after living in hell for so long I want to go to paradise one day.

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13 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello, sorry you are feeling this way. You need some support mechanisms in place eg friends, therapy, interests. Contact the charity mind or even the Samaritans.

    Have you spoken to a professional?

    Perhaps try being very honest with your husband and explain exactly how you feel. Get him to read info on the Web about anxiety and depression ....Get him to go to the doctors with you? Or even write him a letter or an email with your thoughts and feelings?

    It's important to have strategies in place.... Don't give up you are in charge of your own future - you won't cracking I promise!

    Take care.

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    • Posted

      Thank u for your reply francesca. I don't have any friends. Everytime u message them and ask them to meet up, they come up with some excuse. I've been to mind previously and took the self help groups, I know I have to mediate and tell myself how great I am every morning but it's not the answer fo me. The last medication I was on was sertlarine. I was sleeping all day. Visited the doctor, she gave me a higher dose. I work evenings, I couldn't continue with it because I wasn't able to function. I can talk to my sister to a degree but that's over phone and she has two jobs so is very busy. I hate myself and don't see the point in me being here. Im just a waste of space.
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    • Bluegal
      2

      Posted

      Also hubby is self employed, he won't go Dr's himself cos it means no pay. He won't come with me for the same reason. I've asked him to research it but we not sure what my condition is to research. Besides he wants to be spoon fed the facts. He would want me to tell him what he has to do. Same with everything in his life. I asked him what he loved most about me and he said that he loves how I organise everything. It's all too much.
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    • Posted

      Ok you are definitely not in a good place in your head : you feel stuck, frustrated and angry, your self - esteem is low.

      You've come up with a list of negatives and presumptions. Have you been totally honest with your doctor? There are lots of different meds out there. Tell her/him your worries about the meds. Try another one.

      Ask your friends why they won't commit to meeting? How often do you ask them or in contact with them?

      What other family do you have?

      Have you spoken openly with your husband in a constructive way? Have you really been open?

      I'm afraid you need more than positive meditation you need to gain some perspective and realise you have more control over your life than your current state of mind is allowing you to believe.

      Challenge your thinking. Is it all as awful as you think? Write down all the negatives and see how much it's your anxiety making you think that way.....what's the evidence.

      Three positives already 1) you realise you need help 2) you've posted on here 3) you are still working.

      You are certainly not a waste of space!

      Step back and reflect......

      Take care.

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  • Posted

    Hello I am sorry your feeling like this, you are not a waste of space. Everybody is unique and special. You do  sound like you have depression and i can relate to that. Suicide is not the answer and from personal experience i know the pain and hurt this causes. ( my husband and a nephew both commited suicide and i was left with two young children ). Go back to your GP and reveiw your medications as there are lots to try, it is trial and error sometimes until we find the right one. Being angry is part of depression it is inner anger, do you know why your angry? Your husband maybe doesn't know how to help you and maybe feels frustrated at that, thou this is not an excuse for his behaviour. Have you sought any counselling which is non judgemental and confidential. I can relate to your friends not contacting you, i have the same problems. I have now decided to find new ones. I am on my own so in some ways this is easier as i have noone else to consider. I have joined local meet up groups. Have you any interests, you could pop to the library and see what is available. Libraries now do talks about local history, groups for writing short stories or poems. Craft groups such as knitting. Give something new a try you maybe surprised. Mostly you need no experience just a willingness to give it a go. I have met people i would normally have just passed in the street. I wouldn't get close to them but it can widen your social life. Most things at libraries are free or very small charge. I joined our local history site on line and have met people as we have social meetings. I have learnt so much about how the town used to look and we have lots of photos and short videos. Google local social groups and see what comes up. Depression is difficult and i live with it. I am also disabled but manage to try new things, if you try and don't like you can move on to something else. Hope you can find a little motivation to get started. Your husband would be happy if he came home from work and you said " I went to the library and found such an such group etc and met some new people " he would be pleased for you. It would give you something to talk about. We all have to make the effort as nobody can do this for you. Give it a try. 

    Best wishes.

    Elizabeth.

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  • Posted

    Stay strong, it gets better, and there are people out there who can help you. Do you have friends or family who you can talk to, share the burden with? Socialising in general should help. It's important to stay optimisitic, and things do change, and will. 
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    • Posted

      No way on. I exhausted avenues with friends and family. I'm no fun anymore, plus I used to get so drunk I would say horrible things apparently. Lost many friends through drink. The couple that remained now have no time, so they say. My mother is unwell, don't talk to father, my children know a little but have used it against me. Eg when I'm stressing they wind me up more by saying it's my own fault that I get stressed cos rant. My sis is pretty good, she is a good listener but lives about an hour away and has a very busy life. My brother is in Australia. The good news is though, that I just tried for an emergency appointment at docs and I have one at 11 with the one doctor I have faith in. I know what she will do. Try me on different meds again and prob refer me to counselling, which I've done before and it didn't help. I've also tried mind, the telephone helplines, no offence but they all ask the same things that have been asked above. I know I'm on a pathway to a serious condition. Uncanny though it seems, I work as a receptionist in a mental health hospital. I will be one of the patients soon.
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  • Bluegal
    2

    Posted

    Thank you do much for answering and trying to help. I took two diazepam last night and had the best sleep in ages. However hubby rang to tell me he forgot to wake daughter do I now have to get up and take her to school because she missed the school bus. It sounds minor but stuff like this goes in all the time in my life. I can't rely on anyone. Daughter us 13 by gives excuses about her two alarm clocks so insists her dad calls her before work. The start if another day of difficulty. Hubby is now annoyed with me because I stormed off to bed last night and told him I need space. I really do think I'm better off without him he just adds to it all. I am waiting to see Dr re correct meds, I know that's what I need. With my surgery it's pointless getting an emergency appointment because they don't take u seriously and rush you out as soon as you get in. I have a new young doctor who I have some faith in and am due to see her in about 10 days, if I last that long. I've tried fluorine and settle line in the past. I have no time to join groups, as by the time I do my housework, operate my little home based business, I work evenings too. On top of that, due to hubby being in work all the time I do most of the taxiing for my family. I fell out with my father last Oct, long story, but I have major frustrations resulting from my childhood. God says to forgive, I should do but to be honest, if I do, it will be another person who wants to take time and energy from me. My mother had a cardiac arrest a couple if years ago and she has since been diagnosed with phosphoric symptoms. She hears voices and is under a psychiatrist. I'm sorry to go on but this helping me to get it all out if it's OK, I will post updates on my next drama. Theres sure to be one shortly.
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  • Bluegal
    2

    Posted

    Hope you dont mind me providing an update. Just want to say at this stage that if my spelling is bad it's because I'm doing this from my phone. Predictive text as a mind of its own especially when it comes to medical talk. Today I feel a little hopeful. I managed to get an appointment slot with my favourite doctor. It was a brief meet but even she said this is the worst I've been. She has referred me to mental health team and wanted to give me citropalin. Now I've read bad reports on these being associated with heart conditions. So I've tried fluoxetine, sertlarine and she says that she are the only other??. I've decided I'm going to try some natural assistance until my appoint comes through. Ginseng, China, bee pollen, maca. In the past I've seen the counsellor and they can't seem to find much wrong with me when I'm on medication. The meds definitely help but they also knock me out. I can't afford not to work so that is not an option for me. So today, I've still had dropseys, which irritates the living daylights out of me because I can't bend, trouble with back. Also hubby and I are not talking. Whatever, cant be bothered with all that at minute, if he wants to give me the silent treatment for having an attack so be it. Least of my worries at present. Fingers crossed my appointment will come though quick. Thanks to all who have been supporting me. Xx
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    • Posted

      Keep strong and focus on getting better, sorry your husband is not supporting you, if he hasn't suffered himself it's hard for him to understand. Give each other space. Keep us all informed on your progress here and we can listen if you need to talk. Take care.

      Elizabeth.

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  • Posted

    I moved to scotland two years ago, brought my 3 year old daughter and partner. left all my friends and family behind to start on a new better future for my daughter which was absolutely the right move.

    what I didnt expect was my head to feel opposite to that which is a great reality, im tied down mentally with negativity, depression,anxiety and anger, these days im close to the edge.

    ive no friends here, I dont see eye to eye with my partners family I avoid visits like the plague. my hobbies have all but stopped, I dont go out and ive lost my identity.

    if its any consolation to you I feel totally alone, dont want to get involved with medication/poisons and feel nobody really gets me.

    I feel the time will soon come when I flip and that will be it, death or incarcerated.

    I feel pathetic,

    I need to speak to a professional, I hardly eat these days havent for weeks, and I just want to separate myself from my daughter and partner before I do something pathetic which will end fatally I couldnt live with myself afterwards.

    good luck with the professional appointment I hope its not out of reach

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