I'm at the end of my rope
Posted , 8 users are following.
This is going to be a long one. I've held in all my feelings for so many years now... I really don't even know why I'm typing here. Does anyone really care anymore? I'm struggling. I'm afraid I'm going to snap and just end it. I've been thinking of ways to. I know exactly how I could do it, how I would like to be found, what kind of note I would write before my death for my parents and family to see. I feel as if I don't have any friends. Not only do I feel it, I know I don't. I've been pushed away by so many people it's unreal. I see people socialize, look and say, "that's awesome! I'm going to try and talk to those people". I go over, get majorly turned down (I'm not lying, every time) and then regret it for the rest of my time with those people. I keep wondering to myself "did I do something wrong?", "how can I change my behaviors for my next encounter?", etc. I've honestly come to the point of self-diagnosing myself, maybe I have autism? Maybe I have a socializing disorder? Or maybe I just do something that people don't like? I don't feel accepted. I've even tried different groups of people. People who have similar interests. It's the same song and dance, over and over, relentlessly tired of trying and failing. I have two people in my life that I could call friends, and barely so. I've tried talking to one, but he gets angry and tells me to "figure it out". The other friend, an older gentleman and his wife, whom I often spend time with having dinner.... I call them my "surrogate grandparents". They love it. I feel as if I couldn't even talk to them. They are the "happy-go-lucky" type. I've had kind of difficult conversations with them before and they are not receptive to other people's problems. Great company, though...
There's no one I can talk to. I'm not trying to be selfish, I know everyone has their own problems and their own lives to live and no one wants to be bothered with sitting down and listening to someone. I've never had that. I've been there for people. I've sat down and actually listened, actually comforted people in the past, people knew they could come to me. I felt great when I could listen and help. I don't get that. I have so much to say, so much to express I really couldn't explain my thoughts even if I tried. There's so many aspects of my life that make me mad, so many aspects of the world that really don't make sense. I don't want to go into specifics, or else I'd be here all night basically writing a novel.
I really want to cry. I need to. I can't do it on my own. I'm working a job where I live with the people I work with, I'm never truly alone. I can't even drive down the road and sit in a vehicle by myself. If I cry, it has to be around someone.
I'm lonely. Extremely so. I haven't been with a woman for over 7 years and it's really cutting deep. I want someone who could hold me. If I ever said that to anyone, as a man, I would be condemned. I doubt I could find a woman who understands how I feel. They say every human needs to be touched, we need to feel, talking isn't enough. I want to be hugged and held tight and have someone cry with me. Someone else who can really, truly, without a doubt or second thought, understand what I'm really going through or what is going on in my head. Someone who won't just judge, or call me needy, or selfish, or foolish, or someone who needs to "grow some balls". Maybe that's what I need to do. Maybe asking for something like that is too much to ask for. Does anyone really have something like that? Does that even exist?
I have so many reservations about what I do for a living. We all work half of our lives, and in my line of work that truly shows. I work every day. I rarely get a day off. And when I do, it's spent "catching up". I've worked 31 days straight. I know I need to take a day off, but even if I do, I still need to catch up. I need a series of days off. I need to really take a week off to get all these feelings suppressed again. This time is the worst. This time these feelings are really pushing me down and have me in a choke-hold on the ground.
I keep looking up at what I'm writing, I notice every sentence starts with "I". That makes me feel extremely selfish. Like I'm the only one with these problems. Always me, me, me. It makes me feel even worse. I can't stand burdening people with any of these thoughts. If makes things even tougher when I confide in someone and they reject me. That part kills it for me, I don't and can't feel like I can talk to anyone.
You may be saying as you read this, "seek counselling". I agree with you. I do need counselling. But I can't stand the idea that the person I sit down with and talk to is really just someone who talks to a series of people, it feels extremely fake. It doesn't at all feel genuine.
As I write, I also come back to the thought of "is this all just a fantasy?". To have someone to talk to and truly understand. Am I being too emotional? Do I need to step back and just "suck it up?". I don't want to. I want to sit down with someone and just shout out all my feelings, I need to get it all out. Sitting here and writing this doesn't do justice. All it really does is make things worse. It reinforces the thoughts that "do these people really care?". I know if I was on the other end of this I wouldn't want to reply with kind words after reading something like that, because I know there are a ton of people who really DO care, and if they were sitting right next to me right now could have a conversation. They could most likely make me feel better about the mindset I'm currently in. To those who really do care, who look at the person and strive to understand what makes them tick, to dig deep and help them find the answer they are searching for... to those people, I commend you. I thank you, truly, for helping people. I believe in karma. I believe that you people have prevented many deaths. I would even go so far as to say you've "preserved life". I believe karma will forever be in your dept for that.
I have a headache right now. I want to go to bed but have a hard time with all of these thoughts running through my mine. I'm having a really tough time getting out of this mindset. I have to work tomorrow, for the 32nd day, and have to keep my composure around the people I work with. They will call me "a pussy", "freak", or basically just condemn me entirely, as I've mentioned before.
I have so much more on my mind to express. I thank anyone who's read to this point. If you haven't and you've just skipped to this end but still want to help, your voice still matters to me. Any strand of hope or kindness will go lengths. Thank you everyone. I really look forward to hearing from people. This isn't just all about me.
3 likes, 6 replies
jeannisha97114 mike51658
Posted
I think was a lot but I read the whole thing I feel your pain love don't give up I know it's hard and people can be so cruel specially your co-workers from what u said.. but people don't really understand what your going through unless they went through it.. we don't know each other but I'm all ears u can message me if if you want to talk.. I know how it feels to not be able to express yourself and get good advice
a01894 mike51658
Posted
I deal with the same issues. I've never had friends, although I try really hard. I'm young but I've never had a boyfriend, not even a first kiss. I don't work, but I'm in college, living with people too, which makes depression hard. I completely get being overworked, having to keep an extremely high gpa to keep a full ride scholarship. I never sleep, never can, even when I go to sleep before 1 or 2 in the morning when my schoolwork is done.
Counseling is a joke and no one can know I'm depressed.
I guess I'm trying to say I know that it seems like you're the only one but I think it's good to realize that you are not alone and people young and old are dealing with it everyday. I'm still trying to figure it out too, I guess.
Maybe over the counter meds? I don't know.
Adldiane mike51658
Posted
Hello Mike. I am so sorry that you are suffering so much. You do not sound selfish to me at all..as a matter of fact I think that you need to have a lot of TLC.
Mike I don't know anyone could work every day without time for recreation. The core word there is re-create. To have time for your mind..body and soul to rest time to laugh. In my opinion you are "burned out!" Who would not be.
Counseling for me was a safe place to say my truth and I knew that the therapist would keep my trust. So I told them the things that I had harbored for years and it got it out of me where it could not hurt me anymore. It lost its power over me. Maybe you can think about that.
Have you ever thought about antidepressants? They have really helped me. Mike if you are never alone how can your mind ever slow down and rest and sleep? Please keep us posted because we care. Diane.
Ezekiel mike51658
Posted
Amen to all the replies. Don't know why some people suffer more than others but God knows and he loves you more than anything and he can turn all of our trials and tribulations for good. We may not see it even in our lifetime but pray that Jesus will make himself real to you so you can believe his promises. Bless you, I care.
wayne1962 mike51658
Posted
Hi Mike - I can feel your angst. I completely understand how deep the pain feels, how a collection of sentences, no matter how many ways they are expressed, simply does not illustrate the enormity of the pain, the exasperating tangle of it. You're going to groan, but I have to insist that you seek counselling. I know it feels hopeless, that you are just one of many seeking help, that there will be no answers. Been there. Some things I came to understand was that the counsellor/therapist/psychologist - whoever you choose to see - will not become involved in your feelings. They can't because they would breakdown and become patients themselves. They have to keep a proffessional distance fro their own sanity. What they can do is be a sounding board. You can say anything to them, scream it out, cry til you're dry. It may seem pointless, but in reality it helping you purge what's inside. the counsellor can assess your situation and suggest ways to cope, programs that might help you, methods to alleviate the pain. You will have to be patient with this - the angst inside you hasn't happened overnight, and likewise, it will take time and perseverance to purge it. You will become more comfortable with expressing as time goes on - and the process is not a race. It will take as long as it takes. But it's up to you to embark on it.
The other points you make are part of the tangle inside you. Things take on gargantuan and overwhelming proportions when we are depressed, one problem blends into another and so-on until the mess seems so huge we despair at ever being able to untangle it. One step at a time. The first step for you is a doctors appointment. describe what you are feeling - use key words - angry, lonely, tired, overwhelmed. Medications will help balance your mood. Ask for a referral to a therapist/counsellor or psychologist - the doctor will not have time or the necessary qualifications to assess you in the way a psychologist can, it's not because he doesn't care, it's because the doctor is a first port of call to get the ball rolling.
The next thing is to consider taking time off work. It's totally unreasonable to expect you to work all those days without a break - in fact, I would suspect it's illegal. You need space. You are overwhelmed. See if you can get a doctors written recommendation that you take time off work. That will bolster your position. Ignore anyone who arrogantly labels you from their standpoint of ignorance. Once you are feeling better you can consider what to do about work.
The last thing is that you are not being selfish. You are not weak. You are not being too emotional. You are ill and when you are ill the sensible and most beneficial thing to do about it is address it, take whatever pill and/or counselling required to get better. You wouldn't hobble around on a broken leg and not do anything about it. The principle is the same. Go and make that appointment. Forget what others think. This is about you and your future. Remember you have been there for others to the point where they could approach you for anything. Now it's your turn.
NellyC mike51658
Posted
Hi Mike, I wish I could give you a big hug!! You are going through a lot and I guess people especially those who's lives are going great don't always want to hear other people's problems, that's the sad reality. Good friends however would listen even if they couldn't help you out with your problems
One thing is you really need a break from work, I work 5 days with the weekends off and I struggle with that. I would break down if I worked every day. Is it possible to ask your boss for some time off just so you can have a break, maybe go away somewhere and recharge.
You are not selfish, far from it and I also understand where you are coming from with the counselling, perhaps give it a try and see how you get on. It helps some
I hope things get better for you