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I'm becoming too dependent on my boyfriend because of my depression, any advice welcome.

Posted , 6 users are following.

Dolphin30
Dolphin30

Hi! I'm new to the site. I know discussions on here are about health and not relationships but my situation is linked to my depression. I have been depressed for about a year now and it has come to the stage where I have been shutting out my friends and i'm beginning to shut out my family too. The reason for me doing this is because I don't want them to judge me or make me feel guilty etc for the way I am feeling (I know this wouldn't be intentional on their part.) I also don't want them to worry about me, be concerned about me or talk about me to eachother as this would add to my stress. They really can't do anything to help so i'd rather not discuss it with them. My boyfriend is the only person who I want to be around and I know that's not healthy. He has been my rock and he understands that i'm depressed but because he is my 'safety blanket' I am relying on him too much for support and i'm scared that i'm pushing him away. I don't want to be a burden to him but I feel like he is the only person I can cope with being around. I can feel myself becoming quite obsessive though- calling him far too much and wanting to see him all the time. I need to try and control my need in feeling i have to talk to him etc but it's very hard as he makes me feel slighty better and more at ease. I need to try and change my behaviour though before I lose him because of it. I feel that I am putting too much pressure on him. I know I should see more of my family and friends but right now I don't feel in the right space to. Has anyone been through a similar experience? Or have any advice please? Thanks

2 likes, 11 replies

11 Replies

  • ozzie1961
    ozzie1961 Dolphin30

    Posted

    am no expert in relationships being single for so many years and wouldnt want to give you the wrong advice however what I can say is its a good start that you feel you are able to identify whats not right about your thought patern and your obsessive thoughts about you partner and being so reliant on just one outlet to deal with your issues.

    I hear a lot of reliance and obsessivness coming through and it seems you are having all the charactersitics of a depressed person by withdrawing from family and freinds as I did some years back after the sudden death of my partner.

    I do feel a lot of your thoughts regardingg your relationships with family and freinds are obscurred by the fear that we take on board about how others might think about us and see us when we are dealing with depression and anxity issues.

    One think I now realize is I dont have all the answers nor had them when I was so depressed and withdrawing from society slowly to the point that when I returned from months of help there was actually no one to go back too all of my freinds had gone .

    And my family were oceans away in Australia and it didnt take much to make those family bondings to become strained either.

    I look back and think how wrong I was to push people away and not give them the right to say hey I am with you PJ all the way in the bad days and the good days.

    No I just feared as you do the worse scenario and convinced myself through my own thoughts of fear and rejection that they wouldnt want to know me anyway.

    So my advice is to not be hard on yourself and to have the confidence to speak to those people in your life that really do matter and not shut them out of your life.

    Place yourself in the scenario that maybe one day your partner is gone and you are all alone as I was , and where do you find yourself as I did ? Alone and without any one to turn too apart from outsiders and professionals.

    I encourage you to not take on board your fears and misconseptions of those who love you and may want to help you or justr be there for you through this period.

    I wish you much success and strength in finding what works for you in a posative way and a way that shows you through to all those things in life that you want for yourself, maybe not right now but those things hat you have looked towards in the past prior to your depression setting in.

    peace

    PJ

    • Dolphin30
      Dolphin30 ozzie1961

      Posted

      Hi Ozzie, 

      Thanks so much for your reply...it made me cry and was very true. I know I shouldn't push people away but as you know it's hard when you're feeling so low. So sorry that you lost your partner that must have been heart breaking. Your point about if I push people away for too long they might be gone when I am able to ocmmunicate with them again really struck a nerve with me. Thank you for your advice you have helped me to see things in a different light and I will try and make more of an effort to talk to my nearest and dearest. You're right though it's my fear that's stopping me from doing so. Thanks again. Peace

    • ozzie1961
      ozzie1961 Dolphin30

      Posted

      Your so welcome and I am surprised that what I said was so helpful and touched a nerve in you.

      This is why I am here as there is something about when people come together and talk individually about thier issues in a collective way.

      There is a real power and strength gained in this particular forum.

      I hope you stick with us all in here

      I am confident that you will soon find yourself helping others due to what you have learned through your own experiences.

      I am so glad and relieved for you that there is hope for you to turn to those you love and love you back and can give them the chance to be there fpr you through this difficult and insecure times.

      PJ

    • Dolphin30
      Dolphin30 ozzie1961

      Posted

      Thanks again. It's so kind of you to take the time to reply. I wish the world was full of good people like you. Cheers buddy
  • Desperate_now
    Desperate_now Dolphin30

    Posted

    As Ozzie said it is really good you are able to identifying your dependency on your boyfriend, and you realise it is not healthy.

    i too have that problem about dependency, but mine hasn't been on one specific person. It is a problem I have had for years, but never expressed it or accepted it. I did eventually tell an old work colleague who was a psychiatric nurse, (18 months ago) and with her support manage to tell the rest of the girls In the team I used to worked with (I am a retired nurse) and still meet up with them once a month. The reaction was so positive and so supportive but the girls had already identified that problem in me years ago when working. Although I have them I still never really accepted it even now although I am telling you I haven't broken the cycle yet. Only today I have seen my GP and given  him information about what I do to myself in order to satisfy my dependency. I am on the waiting list for CBT which I am pinning my hope to breaking this cycle.

    the reason for posting this is to tell you you are not alone with this problem, and if I can help I am here for you, but what I don't want you to think is you will need to have therapy to get better, you are already haif way there by opening up on this site to your problem, plenty will support you. The best thing I can say obviously talk to you boyfriend ( I realise he is your rock ) but also talk to your family, and friends socialise with them. I am not going to say it's easy but if you can gain the confidence to be in their company without your boyfriend being there it will get easier.

    i wish you all th luck you can do it. Xx

  • michelle82267
    michelle82267 Dolphin30

    Posted

    Hi Dolphin,

    I can totally sympathise. My partner is a fantastic support to me and it's great that yours is too but it can be very easy to slip into relying on them which can make you feel like you can't cope on your own. Maybe remind yourself how capable you are by doing a few more things on your own that you would normally do with your partner, or even just by taking charge more in the things you do together (I have a habit of letting my partner decide what we do when I'm feeling down).

    I think it's great advice to talk to your friends and family a bit more too. I once heard some great advice that has stuck with me. It was actually about what to do after a break up, and said you should always have at least 3 people you talk to about things that are happening in your day to day life. I tend to notice when I'm falling behind on this and make an effort to just send a few update texts to a few friends. It's amazing how much of a lift it gives me and quite often I find a friend is in need of a good chat as much as I am. I might not always tell them the full story of how I'm feeling (I totally get the not wanting to upset people or scare them away) but I'll maybe tell them one thing that is upsetting me and get some help or advice on that.

    Hope it helps that someone else feels the same smile xxxx

  • stacey87853
    stacey87853 Dolphin30

    Posted

    Hey,

    I am currently suffering with anxiety and fear that im a little clingy to my husband...i have no idea why but some days i panic im going to lose him or he may die and then i cant leave his side(its stupid im 26 and hes 28 and hes perfectly healthy) . I totaly get how you feel smile

    Sounds like ur bf underatands just as my husband does.. i know its not healthy but if it Makes me feel better at the time im feeling like thay then i dont care...he dosent mind so why should anyone else...

    Just try and remember your family and friends are there aswell if you let them know how you are feeling they will understand

    Stacey x

  • Ezzythebookworm
    Ezzythebookworm Dolphin30

    Posted

    biggrinHey! I'm ezzy and I'm kinda going through the same thing 

    I understand how you feel I think

    i feel like my boyfriend is the only guy I can stand everyone else I just shut out 

    I'm starting to understand that having your life depending on a guy really isn't healthy 

    I don't know how affected you are but I'm really really dependent on my boyfriend 

    Like if he is in a bad mood I am too 

    If he has like a guys day out I'm jealous

    I would say maybe try living a more fulfilling life 

    (I'm saying this to myself as well! smile 

    There are other people in the world your boyfriend won't always be their for you something may happen 

    pursuit your own goals and interests keep your schedule busy 

    Talk to your friends 

    be around your family more 

    do other things in your life 

    I'm not saying like stay away from your boyfriend just know that there are other people out their too 

    also allow your hearts to grow closer in the absence 

    that way you guys have more things to discuss and your time will be much more valued and precious 

    sure you can be with someone who makes you happy but why not be a person who makes yourself happy? 

    I really hope this helps!! 

     

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