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I'm depressed for 4 months about my health now
It's started when my mum talked about hiv and that's freaking me out. And not so long after my mum talked about that, my friend want to borrow my shoes and scared if she gives me hiv because she is sexually active, and i searched in google dress, shoes can not transmit hiv so i lend her my shoes. And not so long, a homeless bitten me not break but i have wound from cat scratch around 3-4cm from that bite, when i saw that bite not break and sure no blood but im still scared. Actually i feel bad think he has hiv but i can not control my mind . After 1 week that happened i got rash untill the rash still in my body , and i searched in google my rash is pityriasis rosea and yes, im not go to doctor though. After 4/5 weeks i got mild fever and sore throat for 2 days. After around 6 weeks i got lymph nodes in my right armpit painful last about 3 days and after a week i got lymph nodes again in the same place last about 3 days also. And i also got chest pain, shorthness of breath, back pain, muscle and joint pain, heart palpitations, nausea and vomit, blurred vision im so scared im goohling the symptoms everyday. Its makes me cry alot, i can not control my mind, im scared i will spread ilness to my parents, brothers and sister i dont want i love them so much, i dont know i have hiv or nah but im scared. I pray alot more than usual, wasing mybhand alot , scared of sharp object, i scared when my parents, brothers and sister touch me because i dont want they are sick, i wash my underwear anlot because scared if the virus in there, scared if my family wash my clothes or bed linens, scarred go tonthe kitchen i usually love going to kitchen, scared to touch my basketball because my dad and my brothers and his friends play with that ball too, scared and my thoughts always paly they are using my toothbrush but we have our toothbrushes, scared if they are sleep in my bed, scared if my mum using my make up, like im scaredb of everything,. And actually last yrar i found lump in my breast and im wprried but noy really worried like my thoughts about hiv, and i be brave tontell to my parents i scrred if i have hiv anf thry are say its not easybto catch but i have almost the symptoms and in dec i go to doctor to telll sbout my lump in breast and he want me to surgery but i dont want because theynonly check by hand but im not really worry about my breast, im worry about hiv. Actually i want to tell about my symptoms but he was not friendly so yeah i donttell him. And before my obsession about hiv, i have really bad thoughts my parents will die i have this since i was young, but this thought come and go, and August last year im depressed because im not accepted in my dream University, and before that i so depressed about my looks even though people always complements me i never feel that way. Many times i want to die but i think again life is worth living and i dont want end up stupid. But this thought about hiv really kill me, i still laughing but deep inside im scared, i always acted everyone have hiv, this toilet maight have hiv, insually love playong with kids they are homeless but now im so scared, im scared to touch object except my home or not danger things, my dreams is work in unicef but now im scared if that risk work in there are big. Should i have hiv test? Or no? Or i need go to psychology ? I cant vontrol my minfd, i cant enjoy life, crying a lot, washing hand a lot usually im not really like this.
Im sacred help me please..
Sorry for my bad englisht
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