I'm destroying my relationship due to depression

I've had chronic depression for quite some years now. Some periods it's easier to handle and other times I have to struggle to even manage to keep myself alive.

I've always been a very social being (on my own terms) and I've always been in desperate need to be around someone I care highly about. Normally that would be my dad or my best friend.

The past few years my best friends have moved, changed or just decided to cut their bonds with me. And when I was 16, my father moved to a different country for work and left me home alone. At the time I was very much in on the idea. I though it was extremely exciting to have the apartment all for myself all day every day.

That quickly changed though. My friends leaving and my dad moving resulted in me becoming extremely lonely. And this caused my abandonment issues to get SO much worse. After that, once I found a person I liked, I held on to them like my life depended on it. I gained a best friend, one who had very similar issues to mine. We got along brilliantly and I can honestly say, I had never had a better friend. One day he was fed up with my issues and left me to go back to his old best friend who had replaced him when she started college.

Shortly before I lost this friend, I got into a relationship. During the first year of our relationship, I didn't treat him that badly. The majority of my anger and depressive speeches had gone to my best friend. I also didn't hang on to my boyfriend as much, because at the time my best friend was more important to me.

But now that I don't have my best friend anymore... I've become so dependant of my boyfriend.

He lives in a different country than I do. We've been a couple since I was 17 and he was 22. Just a couple of weeks ago was the first time we ever met. I went to his country and rented an apartment for two weeks and I can honestly say... I've never been happier. For brief moments, I was almost like a normal person. I wasn't sickly jealous or needy, which I normally am. I wasn't even sad or angry. I was on top of the world.

We had had a long distance relationship for 2 and a half years. This is the first "proper" relationship I've had. (All previous ones have merely been over the Internet and weren't serious.)

With him I am a different person I get confident and don't even hate myself that much (normally I tend to bully myself due to my severe hate for myself).

We decided that he should come to my country in February - and stay here. I want to move to his country with him but as I've got 2 pets and no large pile of money saved up, moving to a different country is extremely difficult.

So we agreed on that he moving in with me temporarily was a better idea.

But now that I'm back in my country, I've gone back to the way I was before I met him.

Without him around, I've got literally nothing to do. I just sit around and cry or beat my head against a wall or comfort eat. I get so lonely and I get so sad. I don't find pleasure in anything when I can't speak to him on Skype or play a game together with him. I've taken it out on my pets and my boyfriend as well. I tend to get a bit harsh with my dog when he isn't obeying me. Normally I would calmly say "no", but now I can yell at him and ask if he's stupid... That makese feel even worse, because I adopted him from a different country and prior to the adoption, life hadn't been easy on him.

And whenever my boyfriend goes to spend quality time with his family, or his best friend comes over to hang with him, I get so upset. I have no family or friends to be with. My dad is far away, my friends are all gone and my mother is an abusive, selfish pig.

And when I get upset and feel abandoned, I act out on him. I get moody and start acting like a first class bitch.

He really doesn't deserve it, but I can't stop doing it. And I am so terrified he will eventually have enough of my bullcrap. February is in three months. Once he comes here, I believe all these issues will be nothing but a memory. But I am terrified we won't make it to February if I can't find a way to stop being such a damn moron.

But it's just so hard... He really is the love of my life, and I miss him every second he's gone. And going back to having a long distance relationship after I finally had the pleasure to meet him... It's torture.

So what can I do?

I'm seeing a therapist. She helps a lot, but nowhere near as much as I need. Unfortunately, there's not really anything else she can do. I've been popping pills as well, but they don't help much. They make me act out just as often, but not quite as badly. I still get equally depressed though.

I have ADHD, severe anxiety, OCD and sleeping issues as well.

The sleeping issues cause me to have difficulties falling asleep (besides when my dad visits or when I slept with my boyfriend. Then I feel safe and sleep like a baby). When I do manage to fall asleep, I often have macabre nightmares. Many of which are about me either witnessing the murder of my loved ones, or committing them.

And my ADHD cause me to get extremely bored if I don't have something to do 24/7, and then my depression kicks in.

I really need to move as well. My current living situation contributes a lot to my bad mental health. The apartment I live in right now is horrible. It's small, it's on the first floor and has MASSIVE windows so everyone can see right in. And my neighbours are mainly teenagers who haven't been taught how to be a good neighbour.

But unfortunately, there are no available apartments in my area.

There are a few buildings with a lot of apartments, but they're all being converted to homes for refuges, and refuges alone. So I've been stuck in this hellhole for several years without any success on finding a better apartment, one you could actually call a home.

I apologise for the long and tedious post. I tend to get quite carried away once I get started...

Thank you in advance for any advice you may have!

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