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I'm getting to my limit

Posted , 7 users are following.

jl234
jl234

I'm tired of living, at home they keep yelling me and calling me stupid almost everyday, and is true though, even when I try to help I do terribly wrong and I end f*****g things up, honestly I don't know how to do better, sometimes seems that I'm not thinking properly.

I feel like there is a huge wall between me and everyone else aswell, when I see others fully living and being active, talkative and showing emotions I'm just there being awkward, I just don't know how to act properly. I don't know what do I do wrong either, but I think a lot about it after I have to be social. Sometimes I think that I'm the weirdest among weirdos. All the people I know have their own life, a really close person or a bunch of friends. I have nothing of that, I have no friends just few people that got used to me for some reason and calls me once in two or three months. The family I have left is starting to see how awful I am. I've been told that they talk badly about me on my back, they say that I'm abnormal, that I have no blood.

Being like this I think I will never be able to prosper at all, at this point all I ask for is to have a stable job and move on my own, I want to be completely alone and forget about my family and the others who think themselves as my friends but never bother to call or care about me, all they do is make fun of me.

What is worse, the people from school want to do a meeting after 15 years. I've seen through their messages that everyone of them is very prosperous and have a life of their own. How do I show up like this? I was bullied in school, made fun of and even if I defended myself through fighting (because I was too stupid to reply properly) they still made an effort to get in touch with me, I guess they want to keep making fun of me even after all those years, one could expect they would leave me alone once for all, I remember when I stepped out of school and some time passed I thought: finally I wont see this people ever again, but I was wrong as usual.

Last week I was outside in the balcony and I spent a lot of time looking at the street below and thinking about jumping, I thought a lot but couldn't make it, I punched myself, cried and carried with it another week thinking that maybe it was PMS again, but today I got yelled again and called stupid because I did wrong one little thing, I did wrong bc I'm stupid and I was called such. So far I didn't self harmed myself nor thinking about jumping, but I wouldn't care if I just died now, I'm stupid and can't do anything right, I keep chickening out of commiting suicide, I wish I wasn't born at all in the first time.

What is worse, the things that used to help me to cope don't seem to work anymore, I can't focus on the thing and I realize pretty soon that it is useless bc after that the same s**t will happen over and over, I'm just here while others do a lot of useful and beautiful things and I can't contribute with anything, not even by being a normal person.

0 likes, 11 replies

11 Replies

  • Patient_Mod
    Patient_Mod jl234

    Posted

    Hi jl234

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards

    Patient

  • brookehxoxo
    brookehxoxo jl234

    Posted

    Hello, i just want you to know that your not stupid and you are worth living. I feel the same as you sometimes, like there is a barrier between me and everyone else, and i feel less of a person, but trust me, it is just your head telling you this. Life is what you make it, and i know myself it is easier said than done but you honestly do just have to try and think forward and positive thoughts. You can do ANYTHING you want to do if you want it enough and work for it. If your unhappy in your job, leave and look for something that will make you happy, dont be afraid to stick up for yourself and say no to people or situations if its something you dont want to do, dont listen to everyone elses opinions and do what makes YOU happy. If you dont want to go to the school reunion, dont go, do something that you enjoy to take your mind off it on the night, or if you feel like going.. go, and walk in with your head held high because you deserve to. Nobody in this world is better than anyone else, we are all just people, living on the same planet, eating the same food, drinking the same water. Please speak to someone if your having thoughts of ending your own life because life is much better with you in it xx
    • jl234
      jl234 brookehxoxo

      Posted

      Thank you for your kind words, I'm truly really thankful. About the barrier between me and others, is it really bad when I don't know if it is just me having bad thoughts or a real thing, sometimes I can hold conversations just fine, but there are also a lot of times when I can't or that I see everyone can act or do normal when I'm just here? I don't know how to explain myself better about this, but it is a strong feeling I have, that everyone else even with mental or physical illeneses are doing fine or trying their best and they are doing really good, but I can't do that. I see that everyone has at least one person to talk about, be it a rly close friend or a family member or a s/o or whatever, but I have nothing and it is my fault, I fail to see what I do wrong, I really try to talk to people but seems like I can't really make a close relationship with anyone. I have no one to talk about these issues or anything remotely personal either, I feel alone right now but still I have to deal with people who not care about me all the time. My current job is not bad at all but I don't cover enough hours to save money and move on my own, I'm trying really hard to get another job so I can be busy and be on my own. My biggest fear right now is that because of how awkward I am no one will want to hire me, sometimes I feel that everyone know how stupid I am the moment they see me or hear me talk or anything.

    • brookehxoxo
      brookehxoxo jl234

      Posted

      I know what you mean, im in the same boat, not enough money to save to move out - everything is so expensive these days! I feel the same, whenever i have problems and i try and talk about them even with the people who are supposed to be the closest to me i get told im attention seeking! But this is where you need to take control of your life and if noone around you want to listen go and see someone that will, i.e. a couciler - i know its a scary word but honestly it is so nice to speak to someone confidentially that doesnt know you personally and get things off your chest. There are all different types of coucilling, i recently just finished with a woman who i could speak about my problems to and we also meditated whilst i was there, that was really good for me to feel myself and become aware of who i am and what i can achieve. I think you should definitley consider looking into something like this! As for the job situatuion, being socially awkward isnt uncommon, in fact i still am very sociablly awkward but not as bad as what i used to be, a job waitressing helped with that, i needed money, had no interviews and was offered a waitressing job, i HAD to take it (bare in mind i was a state leading up to my first day with anxiety!) but once i was thrown into it it wasnt as bad as what i thought, everyone needs to earn money, and noone is looking at you differntly to anybody else, if anything people can sense fear! Be strong and positive, and always try to look for something positive in each day, even if some days you have to look a little harder x
    • jl234
      jl234 brookehxoxo

      Posted

      I've thought many times to go to social skills courses, but this is a small city and I've always been scared that I might find there someone I know, or that it will be told among the people I know. So far I didn't had enough money to keep the services of a psychologist, but even if I did I'm a bit scared aswell because when I tried them before it didn't helped.

  • sophie90693
    sophie90693 jl234

    Posted

    I feel almost the same...im 36, no boyfriend, no children, i am social and went to university, even now i finish nursing school...i thought that changing something, making new studies will change something..im.bipolar for 16, years now...my family supports. me but still makes no difference... when im depressed i just wanna die, even if i dont have the courage to harm myself...its horrible. Life seems so useless to me... i dont feel like working or doing things, i dont want responsabilities... some years ago o imagined at my age ill have family and.kids... it didnt happend...im on seroquel and depakine... to have kids its very difficult...when i meet a man and tell about my weakness, even.if he doesnt show he sure things at my illness...whats the point in having a life when u already know u cant have normal things... i am pretty, my friends say, but i see no use for that also...o hate life, in a serious way , but i just play theather to seem normal.... i can totally understand you.As for coping, can help, but just for few.hours...and i dont have my own money...my parents support my expensive since i started school... im totally a loser! how old arw u? maybe ure younger or maybe u have a job, that could help u!
    • jl234
      jl234 sophie90693

      Posted

      I'm sorry that you feel like this too, I'm 26 but sometimes I feel like there are no chances out there for me. I always have this little hope that at least I'll meet a nice group of friends to have near because the marriage-children situation just seems so unlikely. I developed a crush for a girl and yet here I am being a coward and thinking I wont be enough for her, I feel I would be very happy with her but it is ridiculous that se would like me, more like impossible. I've been like this with every person I've been interested with, so I don't think I would be able to be with anyone like this. I also feel bad for not being able to have the normal things just like everyone else, I can't accept it for some reason. I have a job but I'm working to get a better one I hope that helps me somehow.

  • Ashley025
    Ashley025 jl234

    Posted

    This is so weird I feel like you too. Exactly how I feel and I always hated seeing all my classmates in the grocery store. I want to be alone too move away from humanity. In the forest. I just seek solitude. I want to be isolated I don't fit it I don't know how to act or socialized. I always mess things up. I don't know why I was born too. My mother should have aborted me. Why did I come into this World? Just to suffer. I hate myself so much I hate looking in the mirror knowing I'm a coward I didn't do the things I wanted to do because of St*pid fear. I have Social Phobia amongst other things. Anyways I'm sorry you feel this way too. I wish I could help everyone. I wish there was no pain or suffering. I wish no one would feel like s*it too. Don't do anything. Ignore those ass**les. They are not worth your worry. If you feel bad don't attend the ceremony. It's better for you if it has you so worried go the point of jumping out. Please don't do it. You are not what you are thinking. We just have a problem that's why we act like this. I don't have Social skills I don't know what to say to people. I am awkward too. I feel out of place. Suicide is never the solution. I do have a supporting family of 3. Mom, brother, sister. That's all but not enough I feel desperate too. Please get help. You are not weird.

    • jl234
      jl234 Ashley025

      Posted

      I never expected to know about anyone to feel the same way as me, and I'm very sorry of that because it is really awful. I think the same, I constantly feel like a burden and it really doesn't helps being alone the whole time, like the fact that there people out there that are supposed to be my friends and still don't call or never show up destroys me. why do they lie like this? I prefer to not have anyone near but at the same time I crave for a talk or a walk with someone, it is awful. It is great that you have your family there, I understand that sometimes it is not enough.

    • Ashley025
      Ashley025 jl234

      Posted

      I understand you want someone to be there for you. I know it must be hard to feel alone but you are not alone. I know we may not know each other but I'm here for you.🙏I like being left alone too when I'm down. Even when I'm not.smile It's just me I guess.

  • robert68588
    robert68588 jl234

    Posted

    Hi Jl.The bravest thing you did was NOT to jump.Killing yourself is actually the easy way.I'm 54 and had some rough patches,but these last 10 months have been really bad.I've thought about wanting to die,wishing I could go home and be at peace finally.When I say go home because I've never felt like I belonged here or that this is/was my home.I've really crashed over these last few months and I 've found that everything was worthless,everything I used to like to do,things I loved,etc. mean nothing now.I finally crashed in the end of January when i laid on the couch for 5 STRAIGHT DAYS and did nothing.All i did was take my meds,eat a little,feed my cats and begged God to take me home.Didn't go to work,didn't talk to anyone except to quick phone calls with family.no TV,reading,nothing.EVer since then it's been a battle.Sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of a battle for my spirit,soul,whatever and I'm caught in the middle.But lately,just here and there I'm starting to feel,for the first time that I'm loved.Not by anyone around but by God.Now I'm not gonna preach because this is about/ for me and it's God not religion.It's just I have hope,real hope for the first time.A hope I can't see or understand real well,at least not yet,but real hope.Each night I'm starting to believe it might be better tomorrow.Most days it isn't at least so far.But I'm starting to just let go and although I don't know or always like where He is taking me i just trust it will work out.The problem is it's really hard to let it go.i want to do His will but not so it disrupts my life.I want to live my old comfortable,but miserable life because it's all I know,but I realise to give it all up,it's gonna be better.But man is it hard!!! Why can't it be easier?! I guess it has to be that way to make it all worth it in the end.JL your not stupid.Coming on here and spilling your guts like I am to everyone Is the smartest,bravest,but toughest thing anyone can do.And you and I did it.And so did all these other people.We all mean something.We all have a purpose.I don't know what mine is or maybe I do and haven't realised it yet or won't let go so i can do it.Or more accurately He can do it thru meal if I JUST LET GO!!! Oh help me to let go.Sorry for carrying on like that.It's just what the Holy Spirit has put in me I think,i hope,i guess,maybe I know or don't know.Anyway hope I said something in there that helps.Sometimes it feels good to just let it all bleed out to everyone.Anyway prayers and love your way.And may God Bless YOU forever!!! bob

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