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I'm tired of living, at home they keep yelling me and calling me stupid almost everyday, and is true though, even when I try to help I do terribly wrong and I end f*****g things up, honestly I don't know how to do better, sometimes seems that I'm not thinking properly.
I feel like there is a huge wall between me and everyone else aswell, when I see others fully living and being active, talkative and showing emotions I'm just there being awkward, I just don't know how to act properly. I don't know what do I do wrong either, but I think a lot about it after I have to be social. Sometimes I think that I'm the weirdest among weirdos. All the people I know have their own life, a really close person or a bunch of friends. I have nothing of that, I have no friends just few people that got used to me for some reason and calls me once in two or three months. The family I have left is starting to see how awful I am. I've been told that they talk badly about me on my back, they say that I'm abnormal, that I have no blood.
Being like this I think I will never be able to prosper at all, at this point all I ask for is to have a stable job and move on my own, I want to be completely alone and forget about my family and the others who think themselves as my friends but never bother to call or care about me, all they do is make fun of me.
What is worse, the people from school want to do a meeting after 15 years. I've seen through their messages that everyone of them is very prosperous and have a life of their own. How do I show up like this? I was bullied in school, made fun of and even if I defended myself through fighting (because I was too stupid to reply properly) they still made an effort to get in touch with me, I guess they want to keep making fun of me even after all those years, one could expect they would leave me alone once for all, I remember when I stepped out of school and some time passed I thought: finally I wont see this people ever again, but I was wrong as usual.
Last week I was outside in the balcony and I spent a lot of time looking at the street below and thinking about jumping, I thought a lot but couldn't make it, I punched myself, cried and carried with it another week thinking that maybe it was PMS again, but today I got yelled again and called stupid because I did wrong one little thing, I did wrong bc I'm stupid and I was called such. So far I didn't self harmed myself nor thinking about jumping, but I wouldn't care if I just died now, I'm stupid and can't do anything right, I keep chickening out of commiting suicide, I wish I wasn't born at all in the first time.
What is worse, the things that used to help me to cope don't seem to work anymore, I can't focus on the thing and I realize pretty soon that it is useless bc after that the same s**t will happen over and over, I'm just here while others do a lot of useful and beautiful things and I can't contribute with anything, not even by being a normal person.
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