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Curiosity is killing me.I don't know what is going on anymore and that is driving me mad,i swear to god i've goten to the point i was ready to literally eat myself out of frustration.
I am paranoid about every single thing,as in "Why is someone doing this?","Why did this happen now,what's the reason","Why is someone being so kind to me?What is he trying to do when he has no reason to?","Should i belive his word or is he trying to make me belive what he wants me to belive","Am i doing what i'm doing out of my own will or is someone just manipulating me to do this".
I can't make friends anymore because i always think "why would he want to be friend with me,he just likes me?That's not a reason.Even if it is why does he like me?WHY!!Liking someone is not a reason,he wants something.What is it?" And i just end up lying to them and pretend i'm comfortable having them around but as much as i try to lie to myself I KNOW i don't want them cause they want something.
Parents love children because they feel that they love,they raise them with compasion because it is their child and somehow it is a love without conditions as i will love my child,as he will love his and so on.
I want to go back when i was able to trust someone and not like this,this is disgusting.I don't want to question everysingle thing that is happening,when i do i just go on and on until i can't find the answer and then i feel despair,i've gotten to the point i climbed on the 20 floor and i wanted to jump just to stop all this but then i thought:Wait,there are so much other things i want to know,if i die now i will never know.
I'm tired of feeling despair everysingle moment because as soon as someone says a word i think so much and when i get to the point i don't know the answer i stare to the wall and there is another voice that tells me "What is life after all,why do you care so much?Can't you just stop all this,you are getting ridicuolus." but both me and that voice know that this is just a silly attempt for me to stop all this because i'm tired of feeling despair.
I haven't seen my parents for 2 years and they miss me,they cry for me,they have gone to another state to work so they can pay for my school but i don't miss them,i never cry for them.I don't feel anything for them,not even for my sister,she is staying with my uncle and she tells me she is sad and misses mom and dad but i don't feel sad for her,if i could show you the convos i just say:Buckle up and deal with it,there is nothing you can do and neither can i.I have tried and have talked warm to her but then i get disgusted of myself because i know they are all lies i am telling to make her feel better.But it works for her,she is feeling better,but i can't lie to myself because when i try that other voice tells me:You know you are lying to yourself.IT'S LIKE ME AND THAT VOICE SWITCH PLACES,sometimes it tells me stop thinking so much,but then it just starts telling me that everything is a lie.
I have so much to tell but i have gone for so long i am afraid noone is going to read this,please help me.I am crazy,i am paranoid and i have such huge mess in my head i want to end it all. Can someone give me a way out,can someone lie to me and CONVICE me that it is the truth?
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