I'm going insane :/

Posted , 4 users are following.

Curiosity is killing me.I don't know what is going on anymore and that is driving me mad,i swear to god i've goten to the point i was ready to literally eat myself out of frustration.

I am paranoid about every single thing,as in "Why is someone doing this?","Why did this happen now,what's the reason","Why is someone being so kind to me?What is he trying to do when he has no reason to?","Should i belive his word or is he trying to make me belive what he wants me to belive","Am i doing what i'm doing out of my own will or is someone just manipulating me to do this".

I can't make friends anymore because i always think "why would he want to be friend with me,he just likes me?That's not a reason.Even if it is why does he like me?WHY!!Liking someone is not a reason,he wants something.What is it?" And i just end up lying to them and pretend i'm comfortable having them around but as much as i try to lie to myself I KNOW i don't want them cause they want something.

Parents love children because they feel that they love,they raise them with compasion because it is their child and somehow it is a love without conditions as i will love my child,as he will love his and so on.

I want to go back when i was able to trust someone and not like this,this is disgusting.I don't want to question everysingle thing that is happening,when i do i just go on and on until i can't find the answer and then i feel despair,i've gotten to the point i climbed on the 20 floor and i wanted to jump just to stop all this but then i thought:Wait,there are so much other things i want to know,if i die now i will never know.

I'm tired of feeling despair everysingle moment because as soon as someone says a word i think so much and when i get to the point i don't know the answer i stare to the wall and there is another voice that tells me "What is life after all,why do you care so much?Can't you just stop all this,you are getting ridicuolus." but both me and that voice know that this is just a silly attempt for me to stop all this because i'm tired of feeling despair.

I haven't seen my parents for 2 years and they miss me,they cry for me,they have gone to another state to work so they can pay for my school but i don't miss them,i never cry for them.I don't feel anything for them,not even for my sister,she is staying with my uncle and she tells me she is sad and misses mom and dad but i don't feel sad for her,if i could show you the convos i just say:Buckle up and deal with it,there is nothing you can do and neither can i.I have tried and have talked warm to her but then i get disgusted of myself because i know they are all lies i am telling to make her feel better.But it works for her,she is feeling better,but i can't lie to myself because when i try that other voice tells me:You know you are lying to yourself.IT'S LIKE ME AND THAT VOICE SWITCH PLACES,sometimes it tells me stop thinking so much,but then it just starts telling me that everything is a lie.

I have so much to tell but i have gone for so long i am afraid noone is going to read this,please help me.I am crazy,i am paranoid and i have such huge mess in my head i want to end it all. Can someone give me a way out,can someone lie to me and CONVICE me that it is the truth?

1 like, 20 replies

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  • Posted

    Because you went to floor 20 with the intent to jump you need to tell  this to your doc.You are mentioning overwhelming paranoia,and feelings of despair.These should checked by someone who can help you in a proffessional field.In my darkest hours I often felt no way out and I had to seek help.It was there.I mean help was waiting for me and it is waiting for you as well.
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    • Posted

      I can't do that,i can't look for help.I don't want anybody to know that i'm feeling this way that's why i just ask people online because they don't know who i am.

      There is no help for this,they don't care what i think.Nobody cares,they just want to talk about their problems noone gives a damn how i feel.Even if i talk to somekind of professional they will just pretend they listen and then say something like:It's gonna get better,it's something that everyone goes through life.

      People close to me can't find out what's going in my head,they will know i'm mental >_

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    • Posted

      I understand how you feel about not wanting anyone to know.After yrs of counselling I finally told my addiction counsellor about my life real problems and she said she wanted to refer me to mental health .finally I did go.I was prepared to lose my job and life over alcohol but it wasnt the real problem.I would have rather died,than people know I had deeper issues.Now I can say I should have talked sooner.There is not as much negativity as we believe sometimes .If your family is supporting you financially they will not turn their back on you.At this point I believe you have to take care of yourself.
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    • Posted

      I'd rather talk to people like you guys that reply to me out of kindness and not because they get paid or do that out of pitty.

      I just want to surround myself with people that are good and positive,that makes me feel better.

      That helps me,and it's not about money.I know my parents will not turn their back on me,that's why i love them.But i can't talk to them about this,i tried and my dad was like:Dude,what the hell.

      I've never told anyone i know how i feel and i act like i'm strong,confident,that-guy-that-doesn't-care and they all think of me as some kind of rolemodel.If i tell them i feel like this they will never believe me,and the ones that do belive me will find out i'm crazy.

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  • Posted

    Denis, you need to talk to a doctor or a counsellor about these feelings. People on a forum like this can support you but they can't give you solutions or convince you of anything.

    From the fact that you say your parents are paying for your school, I'm guessing you're still quite young - late teens or early twenties, maybe?

    Go and see a doctor or consult your college counsellor. If necessary, they can then pass you on to some kind of therapist who'll be able to help you with these feelings. A lot of young people go through phases like the one you describe, without any lasting ill-effects. But it's important to get proper help now.

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    • Posted

      I am 19 y/o.Thank you for replying and as i mentioned to the previous comment i don't want to go to a professional,they will just pretend they listen and they wont care.They will just say something that they say to everyone and send me home.

      While this,this helps me.Talking to different people online that i don't know who they are and they try to help out of kindness not because they feel like they have to rolleyes

      I want to be surrounded by those kind of people,you for example don't owe me anything but you still said kind words and tried to help.That helps me A LOT.

      While i am tired of people around me irl right now,they all tell me everything they think and they have told me some of the most disgusting things i could ever hear.For ex. a friend of mine loves a girl but is thinking of cheating her with another girl that is our friend.

      Another one pretends to act nice to another friend of mine and told me he is just acting this way because he has a car and a lot of money.

      It's disgusting,why do they tell me this?I don't need to know this,imagine what they say to me about them,now think what they could say to them about me.

      I've never loved anyone because i see interest in them,i love them because i feel good when i have them around.But these people are disgusting,and it's not only them...it's everyone.Everysingle one i know is being a total scum with their actions.

      A girl-friend of mine is saying that she loves my best friend.But i know she is going out with another guy while is trying to ruin my best friends relationship with another girl.

      This is not something that doctors can fix,this is me being to naive and weak to see the reality.Humans are scums that want to see each-other burn,and i don't want to live like this.That's why i come in online forums,the kindness that other people show here warms my heart and gives a "Lie" that there are good people out there.I want to believe that lie and it makes me feel better.

      This,what you people are doing right now helps me and not some kind of fake therapist,doctor who gets paid to do good deeds. 

      Thank you soo much

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    • Posted

      Denis, I really understand what you're saying here, and I actually agree - some doctors and therapists, while not being fakes, do simply go through the motions of helping people. I have some experience of this, on both sides, being a former nurse and having had problems with depression when I was in my 20s. But these are in the minority. And when looking for a therapist, you also need one who understands your view of the world in general.

      I'm glad you feel supported by the folks in here, but I still think it might help you to talk face-to-face with a professional. You're clearly very intelligent, and I'd like you to examine the possibility that these feelings that you can't trust anyone at all might be a symptom.

      Feelings like this are also a normal part of growing up, of course, and you might just have a worse dose of them than your peers. We all start out very trusting as small children but unfortunately have to learn the hard lesson that there are people out there who don't wish us well and who we can't trust at all. What can happen is that the lessons life throws at some people can be a bit tougher than usual, leaving the individual with a negative view of the world. Conversely, some people who grow up in lovely, near-perfect family backgrounds can be totally unprepared for just how s****y the world outside can be. But this isn't a sign of being "naive and weak" as you state. It just means that, for whatever reason, you've been dealt a less favourable hand than some people. I'm afraid the world's like that.

      Perhaps you need to re-think your view of the world - with or without professional help. For example, why do you believe that Anthony or I are intrinsically good and honest, whereas practically everyone around you in the real world is out to get you? Looked at logically, it doesn't really make much sense, does it? In reality, I'm as weak and flawed as the next person. Can't speak for Anthony but by the law of averages, I'm sure that's true of him too!

      Please try and turn this around - whether you do it yourself or with professional help - or you risk wrecking your whole life. If Anthony and I, who've never met you, can care about you, you can be sure that there are other people around you who care too.

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    • Posted

      Hi Denis, I'm sorry you are in this mental place, it is such torment.  But do you understand that the torment is self made?  It is our thoughts that cause us suffering.  All kinds of external bad things can happen to us, but it is our thoughts about it that cause the suffering.  Have you ever met someone who has been dealt a rotten load of @#$% in their life and yet they still seem to be positive and generally happy?  It is because of how they think about it.  

      Our thoughts are separate from our Selves.  Thinking can be a real addiction.  You know the phrase "my thoughts are running away with me?" That comes from the same concept, that our thoughts are not "us."  So, that means we have a choice about what to think.  

      You are caught up in the overthinking about the future.  The future is unpredictable.  Having troubling thoughts about what might be is self torture.  Why choose to continue suffering?  The same is true of the past; it is at this point just a story.  Why choose to identify so strongly with a story?  All we have is this moment now.

      Aside from your tortuous thoughts of the past and future, how are you at this moment?  More often than not, we can say "right at this moment, I am ok."  And so you can choose to stay present, to live life from present moment to present moment.

      It really doesn't matter about the details of your thoughts, what the story is, what the concerns are.  What matters is right now.

      I do think that counseling is something for you to look into if you aren't in it already.  However, it has to be the right kind.  I don't think therapy that allows or encourages you to continue overthinking this stuff will be helpful, but that is just my opinion.  You are already addicted to your thoughts.  Cognitive Behavior Therapy of some kind, plus mindfulness meditation, yoga, Thai Chi...all can be helpful to you.  But the thing is, you have to choose, right now, to do the work to change things in your mind; nobody else can do it for you, and Life isn't going to do it for you.

      My life "story" was off eating unhappiness, an eating disorder, low self-esteem, being constantly negative and judgemental, nothing ever good enough, etc.  I'd had it, finally, with going through a psych med protracted withdrawal that really threw me over the cliff.  I couldn't stand to continue m life being me.  I didn't necessarily want to die, but I just didn't want to live like "this."  I finally decided to really do the work to change things, because otherwise what was the alternative?

      Maybe none of this will speak to you, and that is ok, too. But it is the time for you to take the bull by the horns and do something for yourself.

      I hope what I wrote will help you. 

      Happy Holidays!

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    • Posted

      It's not that i believe you guys are good people,it is just because you guys are so far away and you want nothing in return for the help you are trying to give.

      You don't do this because you want something from me,you don't do this because you feel some kind of obligation.

      You do this because you want to help people and that means a lot to me,more than you can imagine.What are you trying to do right now convinces my subconsciousness that i am wrong and that there indeed good people out there that just want to help people.

      This really helps me.

      And i haven't seen my parents for a long time,the times when i did something  they would tell me that it was wrong and i would stop.But now noone tells me that i'm wrong no matter what i do,in the contruary they come to me if they have problems.I give my advice and it turns just right to the point when we go out for coffee there are my friends that tell me "Dude,you are so awesome.".

      I hate that,i hate it when people tell me i'm right about everysingle thing,it feels so fake and it's disgusting.Nobody tells me i'm wrong about anything,i make mistakes too.Sometimes i purposely gave wrong advices and these people would just...do it.And then still go on about how good my advice was.

      Dude i just told you to yell at your parents,what the hell do you see right in it?Why the heck would you even do that?Why did you break up from your girlfriend just because i told you so...seriously i went straight up to him and told him:I don't think she is a good girl Gen,not worth it.

      Next thing he does he calls her and tells her it's all over...What?

      Then i told him that i was joking,i didn't think he would take that seriously and he wasn't even mad at me.

      I can't rethink the view on the world,sadly.I'm just and ordinary boy raised in one heck of a broken family that got fixed up when my sister was born.If i can be this kind of person that cares about others...why can't they be?Why aren't they already?

      Uff,do you see how stupid do i sound?Do you see that things i say make no sense.I want a perfect world or else i can't live in it.Don't try and make me feel better by telling me i'm not weak.This is weak,don't lie like that.This is pathetic,it's exactly how you said it.People that haven't dealt with this kind of people before are suddenly shocked and traumatized when they come to the "real" world.

      That means that all this time i was living in my bubble and my comfort zone and now that i am out there i can see the reality for what it is.I don't want to change the view of the world,if i do that means i might become on of them.People with more than 2-3-4 faces that will say anything and do everything in order to get what they want in the back of the others.I can't do that,i don't want to do that.That's why professional help wont work,i don't want to change who i am just because there are a lot of scums out there and for me to live my life i have to become one too.

      I want to change them,but it feels like my sanity will be the cost.I've tried and i've changed 6 people already and they are by my side and love me,and i love them.But for how long can i keep this going,i see people do stuff and i just want to bite a slice out of myself because i think of "How can they not see that this is hurting them.".Or when somebody tries to lie to me or tell me compliments to get my appreciation i just reply "Tell me what do you want,directly and straight.If i can give it to you i will,if i can't then no matter what you say will make me do it"

      For e.x when someone comes to you and says "Dude,you're so awesome." "Denis is so inteligent and seems like he has grown up so fast and he is so mature" "You can't fool Denis,he sees right through you".These words make feel very uncomfortable and they are clearly just trying to get my appreciation/respect or want me to like them for something they will ask later and i can't just tell them no.

      "Oh you don't have a place to stay,you aint comming at my place that's for sure"-I can't do this,i can't get sleep if someone i know is out there in the streets.

      "Dude i haven't eaten for days,can you lend me some money so i can grab something?"-I can't let them starve,i know it is not my responsability to help them and i know they might be using me but there is a slight chance that guy really didn't have a place to sleep or the other one didn't have something to eat. Considering there might be 1% chance that they really might need help i can't just let them down.

      That's why i feel like everyone is taking advantage of me,i do this because i want to help them and they just exploit this.The most messed up thing is that i know that they are taking advantage and i still continue because there might be a slight chance that they really need me.

      Hey Lily i'm so sorry,i know i'm being a pain and talk nonsense.You don't have to reply to  these anymore.

      Thank you for all you've done,you really helped me a lot.

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    • Posted

      I know it is self made,i just can't change the way i think of the world,i don't want to become like the very people that are driving me insane.

      I know how world is out there,i know that this is reality and i just have to get used to bad things happening,but i don't want that.I hate that,it's disgusting...i don't want to get used to that.

      I'm sure that there are a lot of good people,and even the worst kind of people have a good heart.I'm just tired of trying to make them change,and when i think i made it they just go and do something that proves me that all i've done  was in vain.

      I know the best way is to just stop caring about other people,but i can't let people around me sink.I can't do that,but they don't care about me,they just want to use me for whatever reason.I know they want something from me,there is a reason they are staying with me.No matter how rude i am to them they still agree with whatever i say.I could just tell somebody that he is trash and he would tell me:Why do you think that and what can i do to fix it?

      Why would he say that?I was rude at him can't he just be rude back and tell me "Shut up".Doesn't this look fishy to you,being rude to someone and he just submits and doesn't even tell you that you were wrong.

      Isn't it weird that no matter what you say people will take it for granted?

      They clearly want something,i just don't know what it is...it's disgusting...can't they just tell me what they want.I swear to god i will give it to them if can but for gods sake just tell me what do you want.

      Anyway you  guys did A LOT for me,trust me i feel way better now.

      You all indeed are great people that i loved talking to.

      Thanks for showing you care for someone you don't even know.

      I love you all.

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    • Posted

      Hey Denis

      just seen your post and what lept off the page for me is that you're probably exhausted from being taken advantage of.

      friends shouldn't be continually asking you for things it works on mutual respect for each other. Likewise you should not be testing your friends especially if you know they are weak willed. Eg telling your friend you'd don't like his girlfriend, and then he breaks up with her. This friend is obviously looking for your approval and trusts your opinion. We can have loads of acquaintances in life but we only get a few real friends. We can separate them from acquaintances by their actions eg wanting what's best for you, there for you in bad times as well as good. Not constantly asking you for things and of course having their own opinions!

      If all the people you are mixing with have no qualities of their own, it's time to rethink why do you continue spending time with them? I love the fact that you like to help people but if you know deep down they are taking advantage start saying no, and mean it.

      You will only be taken advantage of if you allow it.

      Your in the driving seat of life and none of us get a manual. Just try and be the best you can be. Testing people isn't the answer...I would say take them on face value until they prove you wrong. If people look to you for guidance, it's because they trust your opinion. Don't abuse that trust by constantly testing.

      If you truly feel someone is not your friend. ... don't give them your time.

      You obviously have a gift where people gravitate towards you....use it wisely. If you feel exhausted by people wanting your time or anything else, cut yourself off from them for a while.

      hope this makes sense! Sorry it's on the long side!

      God bless xxx

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    • Posted

      It makes a lot of sense thanks,that's what a friend of mine told me awhile ago.And the fact that you are telling me the same thing then it should hold some kind of weight.

      She told me the same thing,that i should cut people off if i didn't like them.But the problem with that is that they will get hurt since all this time i've been warm and helped them,and now suddenly i tell them to go away.

      It sounds too rude,but i get your pov.I should get slowly away from them and i know just how to do that.I'll try doing it and i'll let you know.

      Thank you a lot.

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  • Posted

    Hi Denis

    firstly i am so sorry you are going through all this confusion right now.

    I am not someone who lies and have never been any good at trying to convince people of things or trying to change their beliefs.

    You come across as being a kind and compassionate person by stating how you have tried to make your sister feel better. The voices and feelings you have about hurting yourself need urgent attention. Do you have a good relationship with your doctor or other medical professionals?

    Our minds are powerful tools and can mislead us when we are feeling low or unwell.

    Please reach out for professional health to get you feeling and thinking differently. I know it's hard for you to believe that people care...but they do and....won't want anything from you in return! Actually the only thing they will want is for you to be well.

    god bless

    Lorraine xx

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    • Posted

      I've never gone to a doctor before,i got a strong body and i've never been sick.I've never caught a cold even when i wore T-shirts in the winter and had no heating system in my house.

      I've always been healthy and have never gone to the hospital.That's why i don't think i need help from a therapist,i've always gone through stuff by myself  and i've come to realize this is the best way to make my phsycological state better.Talking to other people that are willing to give advices even though they get nothing in return.Therapist and doctors are a bunch of fake people when it comes to the mind.

      I had an autistic girlfriend,no matter where her parents took her the doctors told her that her state can't be fixed,that we had to accept her the way she was and she would be fine.She was so beautiful and loved people,i could see it in her eyes everytime i came by her house to hang out her she would sometimes smile and then shove me away and go to her room and stay there alone.She was so straight and she always told me how she felt or what she wanted without caring how i felt,she didn't try to make me feel better by telling me lies.She just told me whatever she was thinking,i miss her.She was the only one that could  give me what i wanted from this world filled with sick,two-faced people that will lie and do whatever it takes just get what they want.

      I don't know if she loved me,i don't care if she loved me as long as she was so straight,honest.I could see that she liked me and she wanted nothing in return,no conditions...nothing.

      That's why i hate living like this,nobody is honest and i hate when people try to lie to me to get what they want to the point i don't even know who likes me for being me and who likes me because they want something.I can't see people if they need help or if they want to take advantege and that drives me insane,i want to tear myself appart rolleyes 

      Sorry Lorraine,i know i don't make sense.Thanks for you reply,it really helps a lot.

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    • Posted

      Hey Denis

      please don't apologise for sharing with me what you honestly feel. It sounds like you have only had yourself to rely on. I think this is why you feel like you don't need help from anyone. Denis not everyone is fake and from the heart you deserve to be happy. I wish you would reconsider getting some help. You don't have to go through this world on your own. We are all human and sometimes we become unwell. I have just come through six months of depression that affected my mental health badly, so much so I prayed for death. I was so unwell I didn't care about my family, friends or anything else. This was the illness doing this to my mind.

      I think deep down we all do care if we are liked or not and we may question if someone is sincere or not. Trust comes with time and it's important to be willing to give someone the benefit of doubt. A genuine friend will not expect anything from you other than to spend time with you. They will still be your ffriend if you don't see them for a while. More importantly they would stand by you in times of hardship.

      If I had a wish...it would be for you to at least try and explain to your doctor how you are honestly feeling. I really admire how you tried to make your sister feel better even though you didn't believe it yourself. I think you have a purpose in this world Denis. ..I know that things have been very difficult for you, so much so you only rely on yourself. It's time to consider sharing what's happening with you to your doctor. Life will get better Denis. ...that's being totally honest with you xxx

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    • Posted

      I caught myself smiling when i red this cheesygrin^.Thank you so much for your kind words and thank you for understanding me.

      Altought you were very clear with your words i wont seek professional help,it will be just a waste of time.Trust me,i know it.

      All of you people have helped me a lot with your words and your support.

      You guys told me what i wanted to hear cheesygrin^ Thank you a lot. <3>

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    • Posted

      I really appreciate it,i'll make sure to keep you guys updated on everything.You people are truly amazing human beings.

      Thank you for giving me fuel to move on.

      When things go south i will know where to come and look for help.

      Big virtual hug to you all.

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