I'm in love..or am I? Paranoia/Anxiety ruining my relationship? HELP!
Posted , 3 users are following.
Long story short. Me and my BF have had a turbulent history. But now, the past is the past. He's completely changed (in a good way) to be with me, I'm so incredibly in love. There's just that thing about him, I've never felt with anyone else, he just gets me, loves me unconditionally. The only thing is my mental illness is ruining it. To make it short and sweet, when we first got involved 1 year & 1/2 ago (were friends a year & 1/2 before that) he had just broken up with his ex of 3 years. He was still hung up on her, but after a while realized I was the one for him and came back. Now my paranoia is telling me constantly not to trust him and that he's cheating on me with his ex, when in fact he's not. I've accused him so many times and he holds me while I cry and apologize after realizing I've just had an episode. (He's not a liar- I do extensive research lol. It's my paranoia.) anyways, now he's started to mention getting a place together, kids, getting a dog, etc talking really far down the road which is a dream come true he's my everything & so perfect for me. But my mental illness is starting to put thoughts in my head like, "he's your first long term relationship, are you sure you love him? Do you even know what love really is? Maybe you should go play the field so you know what love is because I don't think you do Megan you're naive" but at the same time I feel like if I ever left him, I know I would never find someone like him he is so unique in every way.
My paranoia/anxiety is making me constantly compare myself to his ex (who is drop dead gorgeous, tall, skinny, blonde, everything I am not and wish I was basically), and constantly making me doubt our love. Somedays, even just looking at him gives me butterflies, I imagine having kids and a life with him, he's so perfect. Then other days everything just feels wrong. I feel like I should leave, because I would be silly to think my first relationship at 20 is the only one. I don't even know what love is I tell myself, so how do I know I am in love? I am wasting my time. But then the next day he will do something and it almost shakes me out of a trance and I think, "how stupid could I be of course I'm in love with him." and 2 or so weeks will go by and I'm back at square one.
Does this happen to anyone else? Thoughts?Advice? Help 
0 likes, 13 replies
LFCste Knelie
Posted
what I would say is you are the one in control don't let Anxiety run your life take control of it ..I myself have been dealing with Anxiety and panic attacks myself for the past 6months . its hard going but please don't let it control you
to answers your question I would say your definitely in love go for it and be happy
magali34165 Knelie
Posted
Well it seems like your relationship didn't start off so good , and u seem to be hung up on what happen before. Right have 2 choices one, move on and get out of this relationship if u don't see urself trusting him . Or 2 take the leap n trust! It's a risk either way. And it's not easy to make the choice when ur a person who suffers from anxiety, but u have to because this middle place ur in will drag u more in deeper n u will loose him altogether and what's worse ur self.
Knelie magali34165
Posted
You're right. It's a big risk either way, and I think risking giving him my entire heart would be much more worth the reward than risking leaving him and realizing he was the love of my life. Thank you so much.
g.90572 Knelie
Posted
Maybe you enjoy falling In love again and again or just need constant reassurance. He's chosen you. And this isn't his first long term relationship so follow his lead
Knelie g.90572
Posted
I think it perhaps could be both now that you say that. It's almost like (I do not do it purposefully with the intent of this, maybe subconciously) I crave the reassurance I get when I think he's cheating and say I am leaving. He will cry and beg and hold me, and then usually the rest of the night is full of cuddling and kissing and hand holding when we make up. It feels like falling in love again like everything is new and exciting because he's scared of it going. I think because of my anxiety, I always feel like I am going to lose him - so I constantly am still in that honey moon phase, wanting to spend all my time with him and only him, etc. You know?
cia42277 Knelie
Posted
If anxiety had a job description, it would be...tell Knelie whatever will make her miserable, I can't do this, He's cheating, I'm sick, and on and on and on. That's its "job", that's what it does. Yes, you have to take charge as ste said. What I do is say "oh no you don't. you are only a thought and not real, so get lost and shut up." Then change your focus!! Do something physical that you enjoy; dance, cook something, walk the dog, yoga, whatever does the trick. It works for a lot of us. Good for you for asking for help...a good first step; now take another step and take charge. Keep in touch
Knelie cia42277
Posted
Honestly, looking at it that way makes it a lot easier. Wow. I think you just gave me my "a-ha" moment. Its a lot easier thinking of it as a "thing" that has a "Job" and not something that is a part of me. I recently had surgery so I cannot do any physical activity which has been hard because usually my outlet is either working out or yoga. Soon I will be able to move again, perhaps my outlook will improve as well. Thank you so much for your comment.
cia42277 Knelie
Posted
You are very welcome. I know about "a-ha" moments. The long word for one is "epiphony". I, too, use the short term; the reality is they are a big deal. I am so proud of you and am happy you have outlets like working out and yoga....perfect. Hooray for you, Knelie
richard89308 Knelie
Posted
that's wishful thinking. However do the best you can in your current situation because someone finding out about a mental health problem can be a big deal in a relationship and prove stressful for either party.
Knelie richard89308
Posted
Well, he has struggled with depression when we were first friends, and I helped him through that. He knows about my anxiey, I've printed off sheets of how to help what to do/not to do when someone is having an anxiety attack and he reads them all and knows how to keep me calm. He really is amazing. I just have a hard time getting a grip on reality and he has recently told me that he doesn't know how many more times he can be accused of cheating without me pushing him away completely.
richard89308 Knelie
Posted
So really knelie it's you that needs to get a grip and not your boyfriend?
Knelie richard89308
Posted
Yes. I've known it's really me this entire time, it's just so hard when it feels like you're constantly battling the own thoughts in your head. Y'know?
richard89308 Knelie
Posted