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Long story short. Me and my BF have had a turbulent history. But now, the past is the past. He's completely changed (in a good way) to be with me, I'm so incredibly in love. There's just that thing about him, I've never felt with anyone else, he just gets me, loves me unconditionally. The only thing is my mental illness is ruining it. To make it short and sweet, when we first got involved 1 year & 1/2 ago (were friends a year & 1/2 before that) he had just broken up with his ex of 3 years. He was still hung up on her, but after a while realized I was the one for him and came back. Now my paranoia is telling me constantly not to trust him and that he's cheating on me with his ex, when in fact he's not. I've accused him so many times and he holds me while I cry and apologize after realizing I've just had an episode. (He's not a liar- I do extensive research lol. It's my paranoia.) anyways, now he's started to mention getting a place together, kids, getting a dog, etc talking really far down the road which is a dream come true he's my everything & so perfect for me. But my mental illness is starting to put thoughts in my head like, "he's your first long term relationship, are you sure you love him? Do you even know what love really is? Maybe you should go play the field so you know what love is because I don't think you do Megan you're naive" but at the same time I feel like if I ever left him, I know I would never find someone like him he is so unique in every way.
My paranoia/anxiety is making me constantly compare myself to his ex (who is drop dead gorgeous, tall, skinny, blonde, everything I am not and wish I was basically), and constantly making me doubt our love. Somedays, even just looking at him gives me butterflies, I imagine having kids and a life with him, he's so perfect. Then other days everything just feels wrong. I feel like I should leave, because I would be silly to think my first relationship at 20 is the only one. I don't even know what love is I tell myself, so how do I know I am in love? I am wasting my time. But then the next day he will do something and it almost shakes me out of a trance and I think, "how stupid could I be of course I'm in love with him." and 2 or so weeks will go by and I'm back at square one.
Does this happen to anyone else? Thoughts?Advice? Help
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