I'm just fed up that i cant find my old self and how its ruined my love life

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I feel pathetic with nothing to offer anyone. I feel bad that I do want to meet smeone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I met someone last year and sadly my anxiety completely destroyed it leading to depression during the relationship. It felt like it was entirely my fault i spoke to phsyics who told me i was too keen  and he thought I was too much.. I didnt feel i gave that impression if anything my anxiety made me avoid him. Other physics told me we were going to get back together. I see him add so many new pretty girls and I just feel so pathetic compared to them, he always said liked bigger girls and ive always been a bit slender . I just feel hurt and something keeps me hanging one like why couldnt i had become ill with some horrible person. i feel lonely and pathetic i ust would like to meet someone who we can care about and i feel stupid for thinking that way. Like everything i want is just stupid . we met recently and he seemed pretty nice  and wanted to meet again but then he added this new attractive girl and i just feel such unjust that my illness came in the way now other girls get to have all the happiness. Im struggling to see any light only embrassment and pain most probably story of my life always looking the fool

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