I'm living with a depressed partner

Try not to bring out any other new feelings. He probably doesn't know what's going on himself. And may unknowingly be testing you. It's hard being perfect in this imperfect world. Maybe its time to be a little less perfect

Kelly - First, I am sorry that you are experiencing this change in your life and especially for the pain it is causing you. Second, remember that you did not cause his depression - he must take ownership for his own illness and for his recovery, although you may be able to play a role in that -- that is for him (and hopefully his therapist)  to decide.  Third, it might be helpful for you to talk with a counselor about some of the issues that may be involved.  Here are some questions you could start to think about and try to answer - hopefully with a counselor -- in order to get control over your behavior and move forward in getting answers to your questions and deciding your next steps.

It's likely your partner has been depressed for some time - at least a couple of weeks and probably longer.  Yet either you didn't know (before he was diagnosed) or you  didn't sit down and discuss it.  Can a relationship be considered "perfect" if the two people in it cannot share their deepest worries and problems? Did you not see signs -  or did he hide everything from you completely until  the day he moved out?  Either way, perhaps your knowledge of each other and your ability to communicate about tough things was not as great as you thought.

Is "perfect" the the right goal and have you defined it realistically and maturely?  As you describe it now, a perfect relationship seems to be built on a large number of financial and material measures.  The primary human quality is that you never argue.  It is realistic -- is it advantageous -- for a couple never to disagree?  Or never to talk about disagreements?  Is that healthy and sustainable?  Is that how you would want to raise your children?

Is it possible in seeing your relationship, you have been seeing what you want to see, not what is really there?  Or perhaps you might be seeing what your relationship was like five years ago and you've "frozen" that image in your mind, while your partner, and the relationship, have gone through changes over time as would be normal and expected, especially of younger people.

Kelly, I am not in any way  saying this is your fault.  I am just saying it is here and it is real and you need to see it clearly and deal with it.  You have shown great courage and love by giving him space when I know that is the last thing you wanted to do.  Perhaps a joint meeting with his therapist would be helpful, but before that I again urge you to get professional support for yourself.  Your life has changed dramatically.  Perhaps he is just using a break up with you to cover up what is really bothering him in his life -- or perhaps he wants or needs something different in a relationship and it's been so painful for him to find this out and begin to deal with it that he has turned on himself.  I don't know.  Perhaps none of this is true.  The point is, you need to know.  This is what I call a defining moment in your life.  You can whine and blame and stay a child and become bitter.  Or you can wade in, ask questions, look at yourself, your behavior, expectations, values - and look at the relationship - all with expert guidance -- and learn a tremendous amount about yourself and relationships that will serve you well the rest of your life.  Good luck.  I'll be thinking of you often.  Susan

Hi kelly

It could be that your partner is not coping with the fact he has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety..

You say your relationship was perfect with no arguements but is it possible your partner and yourself where not talking things over and it has been a build up over the years??

Has your partner been under a lot of stress lately? Has something happened to bring this on?

I can understand your devastated that this has happened so suddenly.  But depression and anxiety does not come out of the blue and it sounds like this has been slowly coming to a head and he has not told you how he has been feeling..

I can only imagine how you are feeling right now but if he needs space to sort his head out then you might have to step back for a while.  When someone is very low in their mood any sort of pressure can makes things more difficult.

I would try to be supportive and let him know you are there for him if needed.  He won't be able to think straight at the minute and will find it hard to take your  feelings into consideration because his mood is so low..

If this is out of character for him to act this way then space will give him time to work out what is going on.