I'm looking for someone who can understand abuse

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Hi I'm Lauren, I'm 21 years old and I'm struggling with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. For the past month i have been in a deep dark depression and sometimes I feel like no one understands or gets me. I feel alone and I don't like going places or being around people. I used to think I was so happy and had everything together and it's like sand slipping through my fingers, falling piece after piece.

I grew up in a family with divorced parents. Dad is a narcissist who is mentally and physically abusive to kids and wife. Cheated on my mom while I was kid. Now he lives with one of those woman who is incredibly mean to me and attention seeking, even now when I'm older. She would do anything to sabotage me and my dads relationship. My mom is kind of crazy but I know she loves me. She can't help me a lot financially but she lives 3 hours away and I only see her a couple times a year. She doesn't know how to help me.

besides for my chaotic childhood, the past month has been the worst. My dad almost hit me head on with his truck 3 weeks ago, and blocked the road coming out of my neighborhood. He pulled me out of the car and beat me. He took my car and everything I had. He kicked me out the house for "being a burden to his life" and "flipping his world upside down" and told me to get out of his life. The reason he did this was because I tried to talk to him about my feelings...he thinks my feelings are character defects such as having anxiety, PTSD, panic disorder so on. He does not believe they are real. So he viewed as me complaining. My gram just died of pancreatic cancer yesterday and that set me over the edge as well. I'm living at my boyfriends house but I'm stuck. I can't get out of bed, I over eat or don't eat at all, I'm smoking marijuana to cope, and I find myself not being able to wrk or go to school. I have no car, no money.

But I had everything 3 years ago! I had a full ride scholarship for 150,000$ in Miami Florida. I broke my ankle and had to come home and ever since then my dad gave me the cold shoulder. I've tried to do everything right. How could I deserve this treatment? I feel worthless

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    Please leave there and either go to a homelss shelter...OR a friends house.

    Get the heck away from him!  Do you have a Mom? Does she know about this abuse?

    Call the freaking police next time...put him in jail!

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    • Posted

      I called the cops and he was arrested and released immediately with a bond. We have court coming up for this so he has to stay 100 ft away from me. My mom is dealing with her mothers death and literally can't handle anymore. So when I told her everything that my dad did, she scolded me and said "how could you put your gram through this". And proceeded to tell me my dad has always been this way...making an excuse for him. I'm at my boyfriends house but i feel emotionally wrecked.
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  • Posted

    You did the right thing lauren...by calling the cops.  I'm proud of you.

    You have to understand..your MOM is stuck there...and is reacting based on her "brainwashing" from your Dad.  She is a "sick" woman now thanks to him.

    You have taken the steps to protect yourself and that was the RIGHT thing to do.

    NO kind of abuse is ok in any situation....his Mom is sick..that is a natural progression of our lives...we get old...and get sick...it is not a license for it to be OKAY at any point to take your frustrations out in violence against anyone!

    Your NOT putting your GRAM thru ANYTHING...YOUR DAD is.....if he wasn't beating his daughter...the cops wouldn't have been called.  I'm sorry you are torn.....What is your relationship with your grandmother?

    If it is strained now and she is sick...causes you more distress....but remember...you did NOT CAUSE it.....HE DID.

     

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    • Posted

      Thank you for the advice and responding back! I really do appreciate it. My mom and dad are divorced and haven't lived together for 13 years. I go to court against him in a couple weeks but the problem is my gram died a couple days ago and her funeral is tomorrow. My dad is showing up so I can't go because he can't be within 100 ft of me. So now I'm going to look like the bad guy not being there.
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  • Posted

    No...your NOT going to look like the BAD guy.  HE is the reason you can't go...place that FIRMLY in your head...and USE that for a response if anyone TRIES to blame you...throw it back at HIM.

    You are doing what is SAFE and right for you....YOU are strong....Your grandmother understands....trust me...she must KNOW her son.

    I love my kids too...but I KNOW their faults

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  • Posted

    Hi Lauren,

    I just want you to know that no matter how bad it seems right now, things will get better. And I'm not just saying that. The fact that you created a life in which you were able to get a full scholarship tells me that you have great potential. Just because you aren't in that situation anymore doesn't mean you can't get back there someday. Think of how far you have come before against adversity. The fact that you had success after such a horrific childhood is amazing. The fact that you are still strong enough to seek help after all the things you have recently went through is amazing. Go to the doctor and most importantly try to find a counsellor. Speaking from 7 years of counselling, it will change your life. Hopefully some type of counselling services are insuranced in the place you are from. 

    Remember to breathe, laugh and find enjoyment in the small things. 

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    • Posted

      That was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for replying to the discussion. Sometimes I tend to downgrade myself, I know I have had many accomplishments that I should be proud of but I always thought I wasn't good enough. When my dad was disappointed it made me disappointed in myself and even when I had an accomplishment I didn't find it necessary to "celebrate". I always would have said could have done better. If only I had a mindset where I was able to think of myself worthy, beautiful, talented, athletic, creative, but recently I've felt lifeless. I need things to get better. I just want to be myself again.
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    • Posted

      Unfortunely, the way our parents talk to us becomes our inner thoughts. It takes years of practice and perserverance to undo the thought patterns that were instilled in us at a young age. But it is possible! Things will get better. The older we get the more we can distance ourselves from our parents negative influence and make our own lives. One day you may even look back on your dad with pitty. 

      Keep your head up girl. 

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  • Posted

    Oh dear Lauren, I'm so sad to read this. Abusive parents cause deep wounds inside us, which lead us to self sabotage, criticise ourselves, feel we don't deserve and are not good enough no matter what we do, and similar negative things. There are millions of abused damaged people like you on Earth, and it is heart breaking.

    Now, here is the thing .. . . no one can save you but you. Somehow you have to find the strength and the iron will to save yourself. How? Well, for a start, make sure you surround yourself with positive happy good kind people. Have nothing to do with nasty people or jealous people or needy people. Then you also have to remind yourself every day that the damage is NOT permanent (unless you do nothing about it) and you can heal yourself and convince yourself that you are beautiful, clever, brave, strong, worthy, deserving, capable and an altogether lovely person. Get a 'Louise Hey' self help book on how to love yourself, and also get Steven Covey's book 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People'. These 2 books will totally change your life and help you begin your journey to healing.

    You can HEAL, and when you do, your life will become magical again.

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