I'm not sure how I should or would title this

I've tried posting on forms before but I haven't had much in terms of help, and I really need advice. In order to understand my situation, I'll have to explain a few things.

First of all, I am in my 13th year of Highschool now. The plan was to boost my grade averages because last year due to conflict my grade average plummeted. However, at the start of this year it became apparent that our landlord was breaking the law, so me and my roommate had to move. The time it took for searching for an apartment & the move itself killed my grades again without giving me a chance. So now I'm backed up on classwork for all of my classes and I'll fail without completing the assignments. And no, there's no way of negotiating with my teachers. The school doesn't even consider it to be a crisis, so I was nearly taken off class roll.

This would not normally mean a lot, that is if my government cheques didn't depend on my schooling and my attendance there. I either have to get a job or be in school, but my school credentials are absolute rubbish, because I had a horrible grade average and my class credits are completely messed up because I lacked credentials and prerequisites for the courses I'm actually good in. So now I'm behind on courses I had to take because I had no other options that alligned with my current credits. I'm behind on courses I am terrible at, and can't catch up because there' no tutors in the area for my particular subjects, nor will the teachers help me because of how much materials I've missed. So right now I'm sitting on an odd 15% average across all my classes. My cheques depend on me being able to prove that school is beneficial, but in my current circumstance that is clearly not the case, and if I lose my money I'll be homeless, because I have no friends or family to depend on around here to be there for me if everything goes wrong.

The only thing that really kept me properly sane was the idea that I actually mattered to my roommate. My roommate was the one solely responsible for rescuing me from my family situation. Not getting into to much detail, but the situation was bad enough that I sworn loyalty to my roommate for saving me from there. I've tried everything in my power to be as there for her as possible. My abilities have become limited now that I have school to go to, so I can't be with her as much as I'd wish. You see, she has extreme anxiety and told me that I provide her with a sense of security and safety so that she can take on more difficult situations than she normally could. I was grateful for this, I wanted to be useful for her as she is why I'm even still here today.

Well, this month has been laced with tragedies. A close friend of hers died this month, an anniversary she has kept track of for many years now. She told me on multiple occasions how he was basically her other half, as he was her greatest friend throughout most of her life. She has had a long and tragic life. Not only that, now another death with be associated with this month, as another friend of hers died early this month.

This entire month has been hard for her, and school has been keeping me from being by her side through the struggles. But I don't even know if me attending school is going to keep me on the cheque I need because my grades are so bad. I don't even know if me leaving her to go to school will even matter in terms of keeping me off the street. Its becoming more and more pointless the further this month goes, or rather, I'm feeling less and less care for my well-being anymore.

On top of that, I think the hardships of this month had strained our friendship. My inability to be there through her bouts of sadness and breakdowns seems to have fogged my image to her, because she has told me I don't have nearly as strong an ability or influence over her recovering from periods of sadness as I had though.

I'm posting this because I've completely disconnected now. I don't feel any point to anything now. I thought that if I was atleast useful to her I would have a reason to still care about myself or my well-being, but her saying that I don't really matter nearly as much as I believed killed my spirit. My strive in life became devotion to keeping her safe. She'd always been such a fragile person, and my very life was owed to her allowing me to live with her family. We've done so much together and now we even live alone together, I thought it would mean I would matter more to her now than ever before, and that I would mean something to someone for once in my life. But this relationship seems to be growing sour. The last thing that kept me pushing in life is dying out now. I'm growing distant from everything. I don't enjoy anything now and my behaviour has grown self destructive. I stopped caring about school work. I stopped doing anything that interested me. I don't really dream at this point. I imagine reckless behaviour but the only stopping factor is that I can't become another bad memory for her. But even that factor is fading. I'm growing to care less and less about life. I feel like I mean nothing to anyone. I don't even have talent or skill to do anything that would matter. I'm not even sad or depressed at this point. I've just become tired of everything. I have no motivation anymore. I have no identity or character. I don't have any personality, and the only jobs or courses I have prerequisites for are jobs or trades that I want nothing to do with. I hate computers. I hate technology or engineering or anything like that but thats where all my education is. I never got a shot at any courses I was interested in, and now its too late to go back and change anything. The only thing I had to live for was all a red herring because she has many other people in her life that apparently do what I strived to do better than me regardless of trying to become someone she could depend on for nearly a year now. She's told me people understand her better than I will although these same people were willing to let her fend for herself when our landlord broke the law. Even though they all jumped ship and I stood by her side, my efforts equate to them still understanding her better than I ever will, according to her.

I know its long, but this all runs through my head daily as it has for the past week. Adding on to all my pre-existing stress I feel ready to snap and do something reckless every day.

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