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Hi, this is the first time I've posted on something like this...so I'm a bit nervous.
I'm going to be honest, it's taken quite a bit of courage to even do this little post.
Um, I don't really know there to start. I don't really know what's happening with me, I'm 17, and I have recently thought that I may be depressed in some form but I feel that some people have to live with much more serious problems than I do, so maybe I'm just being pathetic. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone who's too close to me in case they think I'm being over dramatic.
I would talk to my dad, but I can't bring myself to worry him, and I can't talk to my mum because, as much as I love her, she always seems quite critical of what I do, and if I tell her I might be depressed she would just tell me that I'm overreacting to something, or I have no reason to be...I feel like she would just brush it off and not take me seriously.
I don't really know when it started, I guess the first thing that started to go wrong was when I was under a lot of pressure last year and I felt the need to be completely perfect in everything I did, including my image, I went through a stage when I wouldn't eat, I got up earlier than everyone else so I wouldn't have to eat breakfast. I'd tell my dad that I had already made lunch, so I didn't eat lunch. And I would eat parts of my dinner so slowly that everyone else would finish before me and I could throw my dinner away. I lost a large amount of weight, and to be honest I think I did it because my mum said she thought I was heavier than I should be, I still wore (and wear) a uk size 8, I'm only 5ft. But I weighed around 8stone 5, which I was told was too heavy.
Then in November, I had persistent rows with my mum, which always resulted in me feeling rubbish about myself, and as if I could never do anything right, they would be about the most petty things, which is why I think I might just be being pathetic, but they affected me dramatically; we wouldn't go a day without arguing, and she was one of the most important people in my life (and still is), her opinion is the only that really matters so when I thought she felt I wasn't good enough, I started trying to cut myself. I did this a few times, and I told my dad the first time. He wanted to tell my mum, but I begged him not to. I didn't tell him the other times though, I had sworn to him that I wouldn't do it again.
It's got worse recently, I can't really be bothered to do anything, I keep thinking of all the things I need to do, and I put so much pressure on myself and get so stressed that I never bring myself to actually do anything. I have felt constantly down, and had panic attacks on the way to college. I'm absolutely exhausted and I'm questioning if there's much point in me trying to do anything anymore. I think it's normal for people to wonder if anyone would care if they just didn't exist anymore, but I have been thinking about it quite a bit recently. I'd like to think I wouldn't try anything like that, but at the moment I'm only getting worse. I just feel like I'm withering away. And I don't really know what to do.
I would appreciate any advice, or reply in some form. If I am being pathetic in any way, please let me know, because I don't know if it's serious or not. I just need someone to tell me. And I apologise, if I am being pathetic, if I've offended anyone who has had any serious problems depression related.
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