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Since the age of nine I’ve had a pretty rocky road with depression. I used to get bullied, 3/4 grand parents died, my dog ran away and within a month my dad went to prison. Only being nine I was confused and all but I attempted suicide by noose, it didn’t work as you can see but I was unconscious for about 3 minutes and my mother saved my unconscious almost dead body from death. Ever since I’ve had really bad issues involving anger, depression, trust issues, horrible flash backs, and I can even sometimes hear voices that I just try to push out of my head. My anger is my biggest concern, I try my best to keep a situation calm when it’s reached a certain point so it doesn’t escalate, it usually does and it makes me go insane. For instance two days ago me and my close nephew had our worst fight yet, he was in the hallway (he’s older than me btw) with his hands up and I lost my mind. I started screaming.. over and over again I was just screaming no words just hate as loud my blacked out body could while punching walls doors and him. It was an insane argument and my head couldn’t take being called psycho over and over again. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder but I’m not sure all of my symptoms fall under that spectrum. I’m wondering if I developed ptsd from the incident.. these flash backs I get are so horrible, and every time I see anybody hung in a movie I wanna cry my fuckin eyes out in shame. I hear voices, randomly throughout the day.. sometimes it’s my name sometimes it’s violent words. My house is 2 bedroom and my dad is pretty abusive.. my mom and him got into a fight like 3 months ago and she had to sleep with me. I woke up from feeling violent shaking and heard mumbling to listen a little over the fan it’s her shaking chanting “HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL” and it seemed so real, the clock was accurate I was sitting up when it ended and had to sit back down to go back to sleep so it had me really freaked out. I was defiant of Christianity about 2 months ago, even made fun of it and with my current mental state I may have f****d myself. I’ve been making serious changes lately but people in my home are all changing for the worse while I’m becoming better dragging me down further. I’m a Christian now, I attend church and I pray daily. I’m worried I have much more wrong with me than people know and I have no idea what to do.
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