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I'm not sure how to begin this post or what I'm trying to achieve. It's obvious I have a problem but alcohol addiction is just a symptom of that problem - it isn't the issue itself. Before I turned to alcohol 3 years ago I was obese and addicted to food. I reached 110kg as a 5'9 male and then after hitting rock bottom and came down to 70kg and have stayed there.
In the process of reducing weight I went all out to an obsessive level (one of my main issues!) and in cutting down the calories in all aspects of my diet I looked at alcohol and what beer had and decided to substitute it with whiskey and non sugar mixers. I was probably a bing drinker on ocassion prior to this but no where near regular. I could not drink for weeks and even think about it (oh the irony because now I do nothing but think about it! Which corner shop shall I go to because I think I've been to one too many times, what shall I drink, how much tonight etc etc). But after drinking whiskey a few times it became a habit. I could drink with no weight gain and drinking quickly was giving me a buzz that is a slap in the face. The whole profile of knocking back shots vs sipping on beer or wine was something else.
So here I am now. 3 years down the line and I am tired. I have tapered off using alcohol last year but unfortunately I relapsed 2 weeks later (bank holiday weekend). I didn't actually drink that much but I drank 3 days in a row and was still in taper mode at the time and actually tried tapering off, went back to day to day life and well here I am now a year later.
My top end is 20 UK units. At this point I will become a zombie. But I hide it even though I feel completely void inside. The outside world wouldn't even know I drink. I am tea total to them and never drink when anyone is about. I only drink in the evenings after work. But 20 isn't sustainable - it gets to the point where I can't work so I will reduce down to somewhere between 10-14. This is where I am now. I went down to 10-14 over the last few weeks. But now I'm not getting a buzz at all. I've been drinking 35cl Jamieson for the last 3 days and yesterday I was literally buzzed at all. I didn't sleep well at all full of the dread that comes with the realisation that I'm about to turn my drinking up to 20 units again. And that is why I am here. On top of being constantly hungover I am now feeling anxious not just in general but about this issue and I'm about to drop back into the depths of alcohol addiction in a hardcore way.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to do or achieve. All I know right now is that I don't know how I really feel because every part of me is drenched in alcohol whether there is alcohol in my system or not. Three years of this and I have felt feeling purely because I am an alcoholic. Those feelings aren't real so I don't know if my shame is because I am numb due to the alcohol or because it is there. I certainly do know that a lot of feelings are there only when I drink but they seem to be embedded now as I have drunk for 3 years.
Like I have said as I have rambled on - I don't know what I am doing here. All I know is that I woke up this morning feeling like this is now too much. So I decided I have to try. I spent my lunch break reading this forum and saw the positive. I'm struggling to be coherent because I struggle to talk about this and never have. The two conclusions over the course of the day were i need to taper off and it has to be beer or wine as whiskey doesn't work and the second was that this is either the start of a long journey to the a more positive place or the beginning of the end but either way I can't live like I have.
I hope that by posting I have been able to at least document where ever this journey takes me and also to speak about things that I could never to a person face to face. My taper starts tonight at 10.8 units (4 pints) which I will begin shortly. I'm hoping dropping to beer won't give me a buzz
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