I'm not sure where this will go but I need help

Posted , 10 users are following.

I'm not sure how to begin this post or what I'm trying to achieve. It's obvious I have a problem but alcohol addiction is just a symptom of that problem - it isn't the issue itself. Before I turned to alcohol 3 years ago I was obese and addicted to food. I reached 110kg as a 5'9 male and then after hitting rock bottom and came down to 70kg and have stayed there.

In the process of reducing weight I went all out to an obsessive level (one of my main issues!) and in cutting down the calories in all aspects of my diet I looked at alcohol and what beer had and decided to substitute it with whiskey and non sugar mixers. I was probably a bing drinker on ocassion prior to this but no where near regular. I could not drink for weeks and even think about it (oh the irony because now I do nothing but think about it! Which corner shop shall I go to because I think I've been to one too many times, what shall I drink, how much tonight etc etc). But after drinking whiskey a few times it became a habit. I could drink with no weight gain and drinking quickly was giving me a buzz that is a slap in the face. The whole profile of knocking back shots vs sipping on beer or wine was something else.

So here I am now. 3 years down the line and I am tired. I have tapered off using alcohol last year but unfortunately I relapsed 2 weeks later (bank holiday weekend). I didn't actually drink that much but I drank 3 days in a row and was still in taper mode at the time and actually tried tapering off, went back to day to day life and well here I am now a year later.

My top end is 20 UK units. At this point I will become a zombie. But I hide it even though I feel completely void inside. The outside world wouldn't even know I drink. I am tea total to them and never drink when anyone is about. I only drink in the evenings after work. But 20 isn't sustainable - it gets to the point where I can't work so I will reduce down to somewhere between 10-14. This is where I am now. I went down to 10-14 over the last few weeks. But now I'm not getting a buzz at all. I've been drinking 35cl Jamieson for the last 3 days and yesterday I was literally buzzed at all. I didn't sleep well at all full of the dread that comes with the realisation that I'm about to turn my drinking up to 20 units again. And that is why I am here. On top of being constantly hungover I am now feeling anxious not just in general but about this issue and I'm about to drop back into the depths of alcohol addiction in a hardcore way. 

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to do or achieve. All I know right now is that I don't know how I really feel because every part of me is drenched in alcohol whether there is alcohol in my system or not. Three years of this and I have felt feeling purely because I am an alcoholic. Those feelings aren't real so I don't know if my shame is because I am numb due to the alcohol or because it is there. I certainly do know that a lot of feelings are there only when I drink but they seem to be embedded now as I have drunk for 3 years.

Like I have said as I have rambled on - I don't know what I am doing here. All I know is that I woke up this morning feeling like this is now too much. So I decided I have to try. I spent my lunch break reading this forum and saw the positive. I'm struggling to be coherent because I struggle to talk about this and never have. The two conclusions over the course of the day were i need to taper off and it has to be beer or wine as whiskey doesn't work and the second was that this is either the start of a long journey to the a more positive place or the beginning of the end but either way I can't live like I have.

I hope that by posting I have been able to at least document where ever this journey takes me and also to speak about things that I could never to a person face to face. My taper starts tonight at 10.8 units (4 pints) which I will begin shortly. I'm hoping dropping to beer won't give me a buzz 

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello,

    No that you're not alone. The fact that you have addressed this issue, is something. Can I ask your age?! What are your circumstances fur drinking? There is medication that have been mentioned in previous posts.

    I will message you tomorrow, as I'm about to nod off, but I'd rather privately!

    K

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  • Posted

    *know
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  • Posted

    Hey A.A - You have done something amazing by reaching out.  That is so great.  I have been one to play all sorts of games with alcohol trying to "control it".  I gave it up for Lent and then decided I would control it and if that didn't work out, I would have to quit.  Well, turns out I can control it but the reality is it makes me feel bad.  It makes my depression so much worse and my social anxiety is off the charts after drinking.  Ug. Ug. Ug.  I never want to give my power to alcohol again.  Sounds like you are thinking about suicide maybe based on this:  "that this is either the start of a long journey to the a more positive place or the beginning of the end but either way I can't live like I have."

    Don't let alcohol win.  You can do this. 

     

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  • Posted

    Hey dude, just checking to see how you're doing with your tapering. I just read your thread I totally know what you're going through. I used to drink 20 plus units of vodka A-day in the US though. Let me know how you're doing or if you need any advice

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