I'm only 24 and my life is already over.
Posted , 8 users are following.
I feel like my life is over. I dont even know how Ill be able to look my family in the eye.
I dont want to touch my family, I dont want to touch my pets. I feel like I'm radioactive, or a bomb
Waiting to be set off by the most minimun contact with other living beings.
It's a funny story, my life. I think the funniest part is how I still want to live, even after all of this has
happened to me.
I am 24 years old, a woman, and the man that I lost my virginity to gave me genital herpes. I am 24 years old
and my life has already ended.
I'll start off by saying I'm not actually yet diagnosed- but I don't need to be. Not to know.
Everything I'm going through fits the description of a first outbreak to a T. There's nothing
else to hope for here. I'll get tested as soon as I am able to, but it will only be confirmation
of what I already know.
I was always the shy girl. The quiet girl. The good girl. I believed in true love and wanted so desperately
to fall in love and start a family, like everyone else. I believed in it so intensely, that the irony of what is happening
is not lost on me.
I waited and waited so patiently to have sex with the perfect man, but the perfect man never came.
After highschool I moved on to college, and my life changed dramatically, yet so much of it managed to stay the same.
In college I soon learned the meaning of what it's like to have severe clinical depression. It was also in college
that I started acting out, a late bloomer if you will, taking every belief I ever had and putting it to the test.
I never became promiscuous though. I found that I never could bring myself to do it. The thought of it made me uncomfortable.
But I was old, in my twenties already and still a virgin. I felt lonely. Unloved. Unwanted. God if I'd only known how
much worse it could get.
I lost my virginity in a manner completely different to what I had always envisioned, what I had always dreamed of.
I got drunk one night, for the first time, I got really really drunk. And this guy took advantage of me. And the funny thing is
I blamed myself for it. I never once thought he'd done anything wrong.
I slept another few times with him after that, but that was it. I had grown strangely attached and that was probably
my second mistake. It ended after that, and I moved on.
Except now, I can't.
He'd told me before he had been tested. That he was clean. I can't say that he lied to me, but at this point, Im not sure
anymore.
And now I'm here. And I don't know what to do. I feel alone. I feel cheated and I am angry.
But mostly, Im scared. And Im sad.
I cant tell anyone I know, not my family, not my friends. But now it feels like Im a liar, like Im
somehow deceiving them. I feel dirty and sick and like I could contaminate them even by being near them.
If they ever found out, they would abandon me. My life would never be the same. I don't know what to do.
I don't know where do I go from here.
I came to this forum seeking, I dont know, maybe some comfort, maybe some advice. I guess I want to feel like
there are others out there who are feeling the way I am feeling right now.
You have to understand, being a virgin for so long and only sleeping with one man, I never in my life gave any thought
to this as a possibility. The thought of an std in my life was just impossible, the sort of thing that only happened to other
people.
And now I'm here. And I feel....defeated. Like I lost. It's all over for me. It's over.
Yet, in spite of it all, I find myself still wanting to live.
So, Im reaching out to all of you out there who might be going through what Im going through. I ask you,
I have genital herpes...now what?
1 like, 6 replies
aurora_93111 sadsad
Posted
I cried while reading your story. I can't comfort you because I'm in a very similar situation. I've just been diagnosed after loosing. I'm 23 years old and have been depressed for as long as I remember. I lost my virginity to a guy who short after left me. After that I became very sad and one night I got very drunk at a party (firs time being drunk and trying to fit in) and a guy took advantage of me. I don't know anything about him, I only know that he gave me herpes and stole from me my future. From now on I'll Olga's have to remember that I was raped, I will be in pain and I will have to disclose to every possible new parter my status and be prepared to be rejected.
It feels like a joke of the destiny. I was trying to overcome my depression, I could feel I was close... And now I feel hopeless.
I can only tell you to get tested. Maybe just maybe you are lucky and you are herpes free after all.
t11261 sadsad
Posted
I have almost same story as yours except I am a man. SO my story short I was same like you was virgin till 24 and has been looking for special one to loos it. I have dated 2 girls after I passed the age of 24 and they were long term relationships. And when I was 27 (now I am 28) I met a lady and she was older than me. We talked for 2 months and we found an amazing chemistry between. We wanted to get marry soon and we had a great time for few months. Time passes on and one day I have found that she has been lying to me about her age and she has another child. We had a fight over those lies and I loos the trust I had for her but I never wanted to end things. After few days she rang me in the morning and told me that she has diagnosis with herpes and she is having her 1st outbreak. She accused me for that and I also believed that I might be the one, even though I never had any std symptoms. And she left me all alone in a hell hole and right away she start to see a another man.
Then I started to going through what you going through. I felt exactly same like you, disgusted about myself and thinking to kill myself. I was so afraid to do the test as well and I was waiting for outbreak. I spend 5 months like this and did lots of research. By doing research I learn to accept it and decide to do the test. So I did type specific IgG test after five months she has accused me for infecting her. And week later I got my result and BOOM!! I was negative for both HSV1 and HSV2.
So it was confirmed that I am not the one who infected her and the most amazing thing is I still wanted to be with her even though she is infected.
So what I wanted to tell you is, don’t loos your hope. I know what you feel, try to keep yourself together for few weeks. Do some research about it and get rid of the stigma. Go and get tested don’t be paranoid by what you think it is.
And even if you are positive, don’t loos hope for true love. I believe now you have better chance to find a true love. Think! The man who accepts you for everything you are, will be the man who truly loves you. Same as I was loving my ex despite herpes.
And you can find lots of good stories like this in this page, read them and live in your hope. Everything is possible.
If you ever wanted to talk to me, you can always find me in here or drop me a privet message. Good Luck.
Trucker1 sadsad
Posted
Well u not alone..I have it going on 4months now and I wanna die!!! Taking 1000 mg valtrex a day and still getting OB...this one now is the worst ever! I'm seeing an infectious desiese Dr
mariaion sadsad
Posted
Hi! I so sorry to hear about your story. It just breaks my heart. I've been having some outbreaks last year and went to my OB, first OB said it wasn't herpes. Then my second OB said it doesn't look like herpes. But told me that if it happens again, i need to go back to her and take a swab from it. I had an outbreak but she said it's almost healing so to keep me sane, she told me to have a blood test. I did, i was devastated when it says non-reactive.then my doctor told me that "your boyfriend wasn't faithful." then i told her i have been a good person and always practice safe sex and this time, the only time i trusted a man to have sex without protection and he gave me this. (i am 33 and i only had sex 4 times my life and all of them are in long time relationships) the doctor asked me if i have any plans on telling my then boyfriend. I said no. Because few days or weeks before my outbreak, he broke up with me (which is a cycle already especially when he finds someone new and then get back at me when he's fed up) i was so in love thst i still trust him. And now i got so depressed and that's when i had my outbreak. But then i said to myself, i have been reading about hsv for more than a year now and learn how to deal with it. I didn't tell anyone about it. Not even in the family or my best friend. No one. I act normal, and always positive with everything. One thing i notice is that during outbreaks, i am emotionally low. Yes, i am stressed. So been avoiding stress i am eating healthy just so i dont get outbreaks. There are medications to suppress the virus. Let go of the stigma. It takes time to fully recover accept it but in few weeks or months. You will say to yourself that i have accepted it. You can still enjoy life if you have it. You can still do things you want to do. Don't be stress hsv loves stress. Make it as a tool to be awesome. Always remember, you are not the only one having this. I have it. I accepted it. And making it as a tool to be awesome and i have learn to love myself more. We do mistakes sometimes. And with that it has a price to pay. It's how we fully accept it. Stop blaming yourself. Raise your head up, smile and say im awesome.
mariaion
Posted
It's reactive. Not non reactive.
Alone_and_lost sadsad
Posted
I’m a 14 year old and have been diagnosed with herpes and that with the facts in mind that I’m a virgin haven’t even kissed someone and there isn’t any history of herpes in the entire family so how the F**k did I get this F**kin sh*t show of a disease???!!!!!