I'm scared that I don't want to recover

Heya - I'm feeling exactly the same right now. 

I'm trying to fight the ambivalence of healthy and eating disorder which having gained 1.5 kg over Christmas (I have just got home)...and actually it's probably not even that amount, because I'm weighing myself after having eaten.

My weight is still below healthy and below my band, but I'm still really scared of it going to that point, because I don't like that. 

But I also have this weird motivation that has kept me going that 2015 is going to be a year where I don't end up in a and e again and where things start coming together.

I want for the first time not to make a resolution to lose weight, but to stabilise my weight.

Why do you want to go inpatient. Have you ended up in hospital before? It sucks.

You have no freedom, you are watched round the clock, even when you go to the bathroom. You feel like a robot, because every meal is measured and controlled and you have to eat it, one way or another.

Most people only end up in hospital now when their organs are totally screwed (take it from me, having fought the nhs for the last year, I don't agree with it...waiting till someone is dead is a bizarre approach to take). My friend has to walk around with a 24/7 ecg monitor and yet still they have yet to offer her outpatient care.

She has a history of both self harm and anorexia.

If you mess up your organs then it is unlikely that you can repair the damage, so possibly will have life long medication, can never digest properly, so might constantly need to have a bathroom (or even where a bag in case you wet yourself) or affect your chances of childbirth etc etc.

You probably know all this.

In hospital you have to eat everything. Otherwise they tube you. You have to eat, there's no choice. And you keep eating till they release you. 

When I left hospital I thought I was recovered but actually I wasn't, it didn't prepare me, and I had rushed things because I was desperate to get out.

I've been having to privately do things outpatient, with a therapist and dietician. I've gone at snails pace, and started off eating less than I was when I was admitted...there is irony in this, in that the NHS wouldn't admit me when I was in a worse off state than when I was previously...things have changed a lot funding wise in 7 years.

I've made a lot of progress - but I have still panicked over Christmas...but I guess thats part of recovery...and also because I've had a very intense Christmas...and also because I had a meal plan but the last couple of days, there was food not on the plan.

Please don't let yourself get to inpatient...you're worth so much more. And once you're in you can't get out.

Have you tried the Big White Wall?

This is a great article about looking after yourself as well  http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/kat-pugh/coping-at-christmas-with-_b_6366032.html

IYou dont say waht your current BMI is and weight is it has to be low to get admitted. I think you need to seek support from family and friends. In my experience the ED team are rubbish. I am currently averaging 5st 8 with a aBMI of 13.3 i have been in a Psychiatric ward 3 times a medical ward 4, i have had thie ED since i was 16 im now 49i have managd to keep it in control, but last year it all felt apart and now its control. you dont say how old you are , but please confide in someone who really cares as they can help more han services. Im alone isolated from friends and waiting for a bed an ED unit, im scared as hell so please seek more help. your also not wasting anyones time we are here to help each other x

First off, you are not wasting anyones time It is completly understandable that you feel the pressure of an ED around the holidays. You are most certainly not alone and there are people to talk to and lots of helpful information. Also, I have read the other comments and I can assure you that not all impatient care is like being in prison. I work for a private rehab clinic in Surrey that has over 10 years of expierence... but I am not here to sell anything to you, but check out all possibilities. If you are interested in us, our name is Lifeworks. 

The bond between anorexia and the sufferer is an incredibly intense and very real one. As a recovered Anorexic, i know that there are days/weeks/periods of time when i miss it, i miss my friend- because that's what it was to me, thats all i knew for 4 years. 

It may sound silly, but you have to give yourself time to mourn over it in order to recover, treat it as a loss- because essentially that is what it is, have a cry over it, reminisce occasionally, but ultimately move on.

good luck x