I’m sick of myself..

Posted , 5 users are following.

Hi everyone,

It's not the first time I post on this forum, but I'll write down a bit of what situation is at the moment and how it started, because then it would be more easy to maybe give some advice. I will put my original questions below it.

I'm a 20 year old male who suffers from anxiety and depression since 2017, but before that it wasn't going too well with me as well. I had a rough childhood with lots of domestic violence for 10 year everyday. It didn't really gave me chance to develop myself as a kid. I had to grow up quick and be mature on a young age. When all of that was over I started to smoke weed everyday and it made things worse. It was the only way for me to get away from reality at that time. I had social anxiety, but I did had friends. However in conversations with more then 1 person I always putted myself away in the corner and didn't know what to say. I was often called quiet etc. even by my own family and it was hurting myself from the inside. I couldn't talk girls as well, because I had a very low self esteem which developed from multiple things in my life. After a bad trip of marijuana everything went worse and I dropped in a black hole where I'm still in (3 years already).

Now 3 years later I did lots of therapy but without success. I tried medication without success. I tried changing my lifestyle, but without success. I have a constant feeling which affecting my everyday life constantly which doesn't let me go forward. The best to describe (it's very hard to describe) it is like a blanket which is around me with lots of negativity which is also psychically sensible. My mental condition is very bad and even when I stay home all day I feel tired by being awake. I'm really sensitive for incentives (idk if that's the correct word) for the outside world. It's like processing does take a lot of energy and even for the smallest things. I don't have any working methods to have more energy and I already tried a lot like meditating, workouts, building up my rhythm etc. Building up my rhythm is something where I slowly want to build on, but always when I try a bit more I feel like I've been pushed down again. I'm still young, but I feel like I threw away my life. I lost my entire social life, school, job etc. and I'm living in a very limited world. I feel not worthy for a relationship and I think I'll be alone all my life. The most difficult part for me is that I don't know what feeling 'good' is. I never been happy in my life, so I don't really know the feeling of it.. It would be much easier when I did know what it was, so I could be slowly processing towards it. I just lost the complete clue of life and I really became disliking my personality. I already did in the past, but now it's on a maximum. I hate my thoughts and some characteristics and I'm really sick and tired of it. I know anxiety and depression isn't the person which you really are, but it completely camouflage the person which I am. I feel really lonely and I don't want to hide myself in a cave for my entire life.

I hope I can get some advice. Especially the things which I pointed out about feeling good I am curious how you could explain that. Of course that's a huge concept, but I hope someone could help me out with it. If there are any language errors or things which aren't clear just let know, because English isn't my native language.

Thank you.

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi! First, i am really sorry of what you're going through, but in fact i can relate to it. I am a 19 years old girl, an until last year my life was kinda good, at least i thought so... It was maybe october last year, and that's when i started feeling just like you. I started to feel tired all the time, i didn't enjoy anything i used to. I was really, really good student, in fact the best in my class, and i was very hard working and dedicated to that. I had a lot of friends, and everybody said that i am very positive and that i bring such a joy to the people. And now, i don't think that's true anymore. I don't know what happened which is really crappy, cause i don't know how to fix things. I try to find a way but as a time passes by i just feel more lost and hopeless. I think about it all the time, and i have some things in my past that lead to this. I had a family problems when i was little and at the time i was very scared for what could happened. Than i started elementary school and my parents kinda put me that pressure to be the best, and not just them, i get that they wanted my success and all the best, but the people around me always watched me, like they wanted me to break. WHAT I REALLY WANTED, was just training athletics and studying physics and maths and have that knowledge for me and to know myself how good i am. Many people bragged with my success and i really hated them for it cause i didn't want that. But besides, i don't think that maybe this is a good reason to be this depressed and hopeless, but i still feel that way. While i was reading your story i felt that you're in real pain, even more than i am, and i really wish i could help you more than sharing my story...

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    • Posted

      Thank you for your reply! I'm sorry for you that things didn't work out for you so nice as well:(

      I had/have a pair of very difficult days. I just felt so off... It started off with a hallucination... It only was like 3 secs and it was very weird and I just felt completely weird. I saw my door opening, but when I blinked my eyes it was closed. Really strange to be honest. I already had something like this a year ago, but I thought it was coming from the SSRI which I took then.

      Well next to that I just feel so disorientated in my head.. Like I have anger and sadness inside, but that I can't let it go out. It feels like a nuclear war what is playing in my mind. I saw my mom crying about me and how I am living such a unhappy life and after that I just felt very bad. I wanted to cry but I couldn't... I was feeling so frustrated. I feel so done with everything and myself.

      I feel like I'm the only one and my mind can't be fixed. Anxiety is just a small thing of what my problems are. I don't even know how I am still alive. I feel like I'm too sensitive for this world. Other people would say just get over it, go to work and go out, but I just can't right now.

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    • Posted

      You're welcome! It really makes me sad when i see people hurt.

      I've been having this problems too. Like a month ago, it lasted a couple of days, i just see things, and then they're not there. I had some nightmares too. For examples for about two weeks, every night i was dreaming a battle, a war, and everytime someone close to me died. And than that stopped, but now i have trouble falling asleep, and i wake up very tired. And about those feelings... I know what you're talking about... But when i complain to my mom sometimes she doesn't get me serious, like she wants to believe that there is no way that something can be wrong with me. Even when i feel sick she always says that that's probably because i am overwhelmed with college and that it's going to be ok, but no one really helps me. You know, most of the time i just need someone who can be there for me and just talk to me. But, as you said, most people get over their own problems, like they don't bother with anything but they also won't bother with people like you and me, because they can't understand how can we just let go some things. And i noticed that people became colder to each other, and you can see only jealousy and hatred between them, which is really sad, and sometimes i actually feel proud that i have all these emotions, the good and the bad ones, because that's what makes you human. And you own it to your mom to give all the effort to recover, because she really cares about you, and probably would give anything in this world to see your smile.

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    • Posted

      It's gives me some sort of comfort that I'm not alone with these weird things which are not there. I already felt very restless before it happened for not any reason actually. I hope it doesn't happen anymore for you and me!

      My feelings and thoughts are so difficult that I doesn't even understand them myself. I can't really explain in words what is going on in me. I wish I could because that would made things so much easier to fix and get help for. Sometimes I just so feel so weird... Then I completely am in my own world. I just can't accept how my jungle mind works right now. My positive characteristics are all camouflaged of all the negative ones sadly.

      I am happy for you that you can still do college. It's one of my goals to get back at it, but it feels very far away for now. I just live in such a limited depressing world right now. I hardly come outside my home. Big difference if I compare it on how I lived 4 years ago when I was only at home to sleep and eat. I don't want to be alone all my life and I don't want to hide in my house for the outside world.

      I agree on your look on things and if I'm really thinking deeply I'm sort of glad that I do have these certain looks on things. But I can't have any benefits of it right now if you look at my situation.

      I do feel often that I don't have enough opportunities to talk about everything with people. I have once a week therapy, but 6 days can feel very long.. If you would like we could have some contact through the pm feature of this website now and then? Idk, we are sort of the same age and we both have some similar problems so I thought it may be useful for us both. I do understand if you're not open to it though.

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    • Posted

      Yeah, i'm glad that you have support, and i know it seems impossible to feel better right now, but you'll see it would, just be patient, i hope it will be as soon as possible. I have that understanding problem too, because it's all like a infinity loop, one connects another and so on. I am glad that to, but people there are so competitive and it just give me a lot of pressure that i wish i don't go there. What holds me is that i really want to learn new things, but sometimes even that is not enough for me to feel good in that surrounding. I was like that all summer, i barely went out of the house, and i got a little better when college started, cause i think it would be awesome, but when i saw all of this things, i got disappointed and sad. I am just so afraid that i will fail and i think about it every day.

      I really have trouble of understanding people lately, and i feel like am alone even if there are many of them around me. Be strong and don't ever give up! You have a whole life in front of you and you will go to college again, and just do what you love, every day, even if it's a small thing. I know it's maybe hard to find something to love, it happens to me almost every day that nothing brings me joy, but eventually i find something, for example an old song i used to listen in seventh grade, and it just reminds me of a good time. I would like that, it's nice to talk to someone who actually knows what you're going through.

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