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It's not the first time I post on this forum, but I'll write down a bit of what situation is at the moment and how it started, because then it would be more easy to maybe give some advice. I will put my original questions below it.
I'm a 20 year old male who suffers from anxiety and depression since 2017, but before that it wasn't going too well with me as well. I had a rough childhood with lots of domestic violence for 10 year everyday. It didn't really gave me chance to develop myself as a kid. I had to grow up quick and be mature on a young age. When all of that was over I started to smoke weed everyday and it made things worse. It was the only way for me to get away from reality at that time. I had social anxiety, but I did had friends. However in conversations with more then 1 person I always putted myself away in the corner and didn't know what to say. I was often called quiet etc. even by my own family and it was hurting myself from the inside. I couldn't talk girls as well, because I had a very low self esteem which developed from multiple things in my life. After a bad trip of marijuana everything went worse and I dropped in a black hole where I'm still in (3 years already).
Now 3 years later I did lots of therapy but without success. I tried medication without success. I tried changing my lifestyle, but without success. I have a constant feeling which affecting my everyday life constantly which doesn't let me go forward. The best to describe (it's very hard to describe) it is like a blanket which is around me with lots of negativity which is also psychically sensible. My mental condition is very bad and even when I stay home all day I feel tired by being awake. I'm really sensitive for incentives (idk if that's the correct word) for the outside world. It's like processing does take a lot of energy and even for the smallest things. I don't have any working methods to have more energy and I already tried a lot like meditating, workouts, building up my rhythm etc. Building up my rhythm is something where I slowly want to build on, but always when I try a bit more I feel like I've been pushed down again. I'm still young, but I feel like I threw away my life. I lost my entire social life, school, job etc. and I'm living in a very limited world. I feel not worthy for a relationship and I think I'll be alone all my life. The most difficult part for me is that I don't know what feeling 'good' is. I never been happy in my life, so I don't really know the feeling of it.. It would be much easier when I did know what it was, so I could be slowly processing towards it. I just lost the complete clue of life and I really became disliking my personality. I already did in the past, but now it's on a maximum. I hate my thoughts and some characteristics and I'm really sick and tired of it. I know anxiety and depression isn't the person which you really are, but it completely camouflage the person which I am. I feel really lonely and I don't want to hide myself in a cave for my entire life.
I hope I can get some advice. Especially the things which I pointed out about feeling good I am curious how you could explain that. Of course that's a huge concept, but I hope someone could help me out with it. If there are any language errors or things which aren't clear just let know, because English isn't my native language.
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